Now is the Time to Do

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Richard Branson
When posting recently about the importance of making lists and resolutions, there was an overwhelming response from people keen to reach their goals in 2013. It’s great to see such enthusiasm – and practical planning – for making positive changes from people all over the world.

Planning is extremely important, for any adventure in or out of business. But even more crucial is the will to simply get out there and do something new. A couple of thoughts have caught my attention this week about creating original ideas.

Dr Muhammad Yunus, founder of the wonderful Grameen Bank in Bangladesh, said: “All human beings are born as entrepreneurs. But unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to unwrap that part of our life, so it remains hidden.”

He touches upon the potential within us all to bring new ideas to life. For those of us fortunate enough to have the chance to see their dreams come to life, it is foolish to waste our opportunities.

Another perceptive point comes from Seth Godin. On his blog, he wrote about the challenges of initiating any project. “Not enough people believe they are capable of productive initiative.

“I don’t think the shortage of artists has much to do with the innate ability to create or initiate. I think it has to do with believing that it’s possible and acceptable for you to do it.”

As Mr Godin suggests, it is absolutely possible for you to create, to take chances, to allow your ideas to flourish if you have enough self-confidence. While he is referring to artists, the same applies for the art of business.

Now is the time to do doesn’t just apply to starting businesses. it applies to relationships, to fitness, to all aspects of your life.

Nobody else is going to start your business for you. 2013 is the time to put your ideas into action. Now is the time to do.

Borderline Personality, Codependency, and Love Addiction

Posted on by helpingsoul

cycle of addiction

Borderline Personality tendencies, codependency, and love addiction are self-destructive behavioral patterns. Each personality seeks constant approval and love from others while abandoning themselves. Through people pleasing, compulsivity, and dependent patterns of behavior, a sense of self is lost. Relationship dynamics runs the extremes from idealization and domination to being controlled. The extremes create a false sense of safety, self-worth, and identity. This articles covers the characteristics of all three behavioral types and relates it to the cycle of addiction.

Everyone embraces some cycle of addiction, whether it be the way you towel off after a shower or mindlessly move through the grocery aisles. Regardless of the activity, the ritual involves unconscious thoughts, feelings and actions that repeats cyclically.

There are four parts to the cycle of addiction. The first stage is preoccupation, the second is the ritual, the third is acting out, and the fourth phase is feelings of guilt and shame.

Many dynamics of relationships exist but for the purpose of this article, codependency, borderline tendencies, and love addiction will be discussed with an emphasis of the cycle of addiction.

During the first stage, thoughts begin to preoccupy themselves with a lover. Persons consume the majority of their time and attention toward their imago. The imago is the image we place on our partner who mirrors our original caretakers. The psychological term for this is transference. The image feels right because it is familiar much like eating macaroni and cheese. Admiration for their partner is comfort food that feeds the attraction to excitement, chaos, and emotional intoxication.

The intense attraction is due to an unconscious drive to heal and resolve childhood wounds. This overwhelming state of infatuation is part of the first stage of addiction called preoccupation. During this phase, the love addict feels high (emotional intoxication) as parental fantasies to heal the abandonment, emptiness, and lack of self-worth are perceived to be met even if for a splitting moment. Thoughts and energy of their partner preoccupy all the love addict’s time. The majority of the day is conceiving ways to hold onto them and bring them closer so that they don’t abandon them.   Love addicts relinquish total control and power to their partner.   Any sense of spiritually becomes impaired as a grandiose persona transfers to their image.

Love addicts relation to family, friends, and personal care begin to change during the second phase of addiction. This stage is called ritual. Compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of their partner override any sense of independence.   Control completely transfers to other. Love addicts become dependent with learned helplessness and neediness. Trust and judgment projects on their partner and smashes their personal values and feelings. Love addicts give up control while abandoning themselves and becoming dependent on their lover to make personal decisions.   Over time love addicts’ careers, relationships, and personal care diminish.

Love addicts deny and refuse to open their eyes to the reality of their false, fantasy love. Similarly, codependents do not acknowledge their partner’s defensive wall, inability for real connection, and love themselves. Codependent relationships create enmeshment just as love addicts take on their partner’s morals and values and blur boundary lines. Relationships are viewed through unconsciously filtered fantasy. Relational dynamics continues between colossal cycles of intense passion and extreme anger. The sense of excitement in the emotional extremes is drunken in like an alcoholic drinks whiskey. The high of emotional intoxication deepens to obsessiveness that then is mistaken for authentic love.

The third period is acting out. Negative consequences of lost identity, irresponsible behavior, and diminishing life conditions are overlooked. Symptoms of loneliness, despair, and self-hatred continue in a downward spiral of intolerable circumstances. Self-worth bottoms and depression creeps in.

As the spiral continues downward, bottom hits with feelings of guilt and shame making up the fourth stage. Love addicts feel stuck as if they cannot cope on their own. Codependents feel they need their partner to survive just as a dependent child. Guilt, shame, internalized anger and resentment grow until the pain is too great, and the hurt is too much to bear. Finally, a glimmer of hope emerges, and awareness unfolds. Denial slowly lifts as light shines down on their partner’s defenses, emotional unavailability, controlling, and manipulating behavior. Further consciousness arises in financial and career sacrifices if they still have a job. Understanding of their isolation surfaces the notions of little contact if any with family and friends. It’s a rude awakening to the mess.

Shame and guilt stage causes love addicts to feel like failures, remain hopeless and lose sight of their discovery. Consequently, they fall deeper into depression. Denial sets in again to lighten the pain, and the cycle begins again.

Borderline personalities obsess again about their partner thinking they will save them from their misery. Codependents shift independence to dependence and as they stay in the relationship; prolonging the cycle of addiction.

Commonly borderline personalities, codependents, and love addicts develop from an alcoholic family or dysfunctional family who are narcissistic, unable to allow another to have an independent self, and cut-off emotionally. The personality types yearn for real connections and intimate relationships yet don’t know how and continue to play cat and mouse.

Childhood hurt and rage from parental abandonment, neglect, and emotional abuse leads to internalizing thoughts of being bad. The child splits the image of his desire internalizing it as bad and places a good internal object-image onto their caretakers.

If a child’s needs of nurture, mirroring of feelings and thoughts, and care lack, the child continues to split parts of themselves; internalizing they are bad, and their parents are good. This pattern is a defensive survival technique so that the child can tolerate the abuse in an environment where he is dependent.   As adults, a bad internalized image persists as a worthless and inadequate identity thus the perceived need to latch on to others for an identity. The wounded adult attracts partner’s who replicate their parents and place the externalized fantasy image of real parts onto their partner ultimately giving them all power and control.

Awareness of the similarity of borderline personalities, codependents, and love addicts can shed light and understanding of internal emotional drivers of behavior. New knowledge brings more choices and the more power and control for healthy, respectful, and loving thoughts, feelings, and actions. Understanding how one’s personal cycle of addiction originated can then begin to find ways to break the cycle and healing can begin. The goal is to feel whole (independent) while having the capacity to give and receive love.

Flowering Artist

Posted on by helpingsoul

Femmevolution,

I so want to learn what you’ve learned.

I am a highly sexual, sensual woman.  I didn’t realize this until the men throughout my life and a close female friend told me that.  I’m sexual, but I don’t have sexual freedom. I love to talk about sex.  I love to watch porn when it involves a woman clearly being pleased and enjoying herself (not acting).  I love to read erotic stories.  I love to fantasize-they just don’t involve me.  I still can’t orgasm through intercourse.  I can do without oral sex done on me. When I’m with a man I love the initial holding, kissing and touching, but I find myself at a certain point dis-engaging, getting bored and wanting the whole process to hurry-up. I found that really great fellatio help this. I use my vibrator a lot-preferably in private with a blanket over my pelvis. I think some of this has to do with trust and control.

I want to be able to enjoy and explore myself further.  I want to be able to let myself go with a partner, but I’m not there yet.

Thank you for this blog,

FloweringArtistFlowering Artist Logo

Mindfulness Mediation

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sometimes it takes hardship to get to know yourself in a real way, and within a coherent framework.  I got lost in a relationship but now I am stronger, more self assured, and have improved insight.

I am proud of my new found knowledge about myself through mindfulness mediation and writing.  I have a gift now to share to other women; helping them to achieve more healthier relationships, self-respect, confidence and boundaries.

With mindfulness meditation, you can re-wiring your brain.  You can literally change and grow neural connections which support finding and creating better relationships. It is possible for your brain to become more like those who grew up knowing how to love and be loved in healthy, sustainable ways.

We are all not so fortunate to grow up with healthy, attuned attachments. Childhood attachment is the emotional bond that typically forms between infant and caregiver, usually a parent.  It stimulates brain growth, affects personality development and a lifelong ability to form stable relationships. Neuroscientists now believe that attachment is such a primal need that there are networks of neurons in the brain dedicated to it, and the process of forming lasting bonds is powered in part by the hormone oxytocin.

Even though we may not have had childhood attachment, we can re-wire our brains for better relationships.  Mindfulness mediation can help with the nine essential characteristics for healthy relationships.

1. Better management of your body’s reactions; stress and anger management.

2. Emotional resiliency; regulating your emotions and restoring an unpleasant mood back to baseline with ease and efficiency.

3. Better, more adaptable, agreeable communication.

Mindfulness meditation helps you to be a more attuned communicator and it can be contagious to loved one as well. Good communication entails listening and understanding without distortion, and responding in a way contingent upon your partners needs instead of your own inner filters and desires.

4. Response flexibility.

Mindfulness meditation improves response flexibility and creates an emotional regulator where space and time allow careful thought for a more positive mindful, conscious response instead of just crying whenever receiving criticism or blaming others and yelling when you feel ashamed.

5. Improved empathy.

Mindfulness meditation improves the ability to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings or difficulties but without losing your awareness of your own state of mind.  It’s the ability to separate a desire to support and feel affinity with but still remaining constant in your state of mind; without their solemn mood affecting yours.

6. Improved insight (self-knowing).

Mediation practice improves self awareness within a logically and aesthetically consistent credible and harmonious whole.  Mediating and writing regularly allows us to practice our ability to notice what our brain is thinking.  An increased knowledge and capacity to tell the difference between momentary and ever-changing events, and who we really are is achieved.

7. Better modulation of fear.

Mindfulness mediation allows you to soothe your feelings and be more comfortable when you’re afraid.  You are able to regulate things which once scared you (He’s going to leave me; I’m not enough for her).  It’s important in relationships to have ready access to being able to calm yourself when you’re anxious, so that your reactions and interactions aren’t overrun by your fight-flight-freeze response.  Once you are not as reactive to emotional fear, you change your entire experience of being in an adult-to-adult relationship.

8. Enhanced intuition.

There’s actually increasing neurochemical and cellular evidence of a second brain in our viscera; internal abdominal and intestinal organs. Our viscera, and the rest of our body – our muscles, eyes, ears, skin, and so on – are telling us something. If we pay attention to the messages our body is telling us, the mindfulness practice enhances the ability to be attuned to yourself, and what you unconsciously know – what we can refer to as “intuition.”  Becoming emotionally aware and act rationally and logically in conjunction with our body enhances your ability to be in conscious relationships with yourself and with others.

9. Increased morality.

Evidence shows that when people learn to meditate and practice regularly, their perceptions of their place in the world begins to shift – something corroborated by family members. They become more broadly compassionate, more likely to act on their highest principles, and demonstrate greater interest in the social good – what can very reasonably seen as living with higher morals. It’s like having a healthier relationship with your whole community, not just the people closest to you.

Try mediating for twenty minutes and open your mind to your thoughts, feelings and emotions.  Pay attention what is consistent and what fades.  Learn about who you are and the goals you want to achieve. Spend another twenty minutes and write down what you have learned.  Keep a journal and awaken yourself to a whole new awareness and brighter self.

What is Love, Anyway?

Posted on by helpingsoul

What is love is the question?  What should it feel like?  Love hurts as the song goes.  It can be quite painful yet addictive or it can be yearning for something that is intangible?

They say that when you are in love, you are in the same state of mind as people with obsessive compulsive disorder.  A professor at the University of Pisa in Italy studies the biochemistry of love-sickness. She concluded from a study comparing the blood of 24 subjects who had fallen in love, subjects who were obsessive compulsive and another group that were free from both passion and mental illness.   She concluded that levels of serotonin in people with obsessive compulsive disorder and lovers are forty percent lower than those in normal subjects. Thus there is a direct correlation to the chemical profiles between love and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Questions may arise in your own relationship.  Inquires like, “Do I behave in a manner that is inflicted upon a state of temporary mental illness?” or “Who am I?”, “What are my values?”, “What boundaries am I setting if any at all?” and “What am I willing to do for love?”  It could be one, two, or a combination or it may be a stage of exploration to determine who you are, what are your values, and determine what kind of boundaries you want to set in a relationship.  If we aren’t mirrored, validated, and emphasized in childhood from our primary caretakers, we may not have formed a solid sense of self in adulthood to be able to answer these questions without exploring, testing, and deciding through trial and error in our adult relationships.

Life experiences give us the opportunity to decide what we like and don’t like.  As the saying goes, “You never know until you try.”

This is time-honored wisdom that encourages us to be a part of life rather than sit on the sidelines and watch it go by.  Take chances, risks, and  rewards are not far behind.  If anything, knowledge is gained about yourself and others.  Even if the outcome is full of regret,  there is a lesson learned and the new-found knowledge is almost always worth it.

This wisdom can be applied to situations large and small from trying tofu to sailing.  As in my case, it was an exploration into my sexuality, men and gender prejudices.   It is the self-knowledge gained from my experience that is irreplaceable.

It is often said that at the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we did not do than the things we did.  Being aware of the opportunities missed might encourage you not to miss them again.

Quote

Posted on by helpingsoul

Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.  ~Carl Gustav Jung (1875 – 1961)

Great Quote

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“The relinquishing of judgmentalism greatly increases the capacity of Love, as does surrendering the wanting of anything from others. Thus, people are not perceived according to what they have or do but by appreciation for what they have become.”

~ “Transcending the levels of consciousness” – subtitle, The stairway to enlightenment. written by: David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.


Quote of the day

Posted on by helpingsoul

“Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content.”  ~Paul Valery (1871 – 1945)

A Great Quote

Posted on by helpingsoul

“The free thinking of one age is the common sense of the next.”

~ Matthew Arnold (1822 – 1888)

State of Mind

Posted on by helpingsoul

Women talk about being used and taken advantage of by men.  As I pondered  more I  thought ‘being used’ is only a state of mind.  We always have control and a choice.  It is easy to blame the other person than to accept responsibility of our own actions.

We may not always make the best decision, but it is best to accept that you did wrong, learn from the experience and then move on.

When it comes to women and sex, learn to let go and enjoy the moment for what it is.  Sex is not a relationship.  A relationship takes hard work, dedication and a willingness to compromise.  We all have a choice, stand up for yourself and choose what you want and then fully engage in the moment for what it is.