How to Speak Clearly When Things Get Heated

Posted on by helpingsoul

 

A Practical Approach to Assertive Communication, Updated for What I Have Learned in the Years Since I First Wrote About This

A substantial revision of an earlier 2014 post titled 6 Tips to Improve Communication with Difficult People. The skills are largely the same. The framing has matured.

In 2014, I wrote a blog post called 6 Tips to Improve Communication with Difficult People. The skills in it were sound. The framing was a product of its moment, and there is one thing I would change before anything else.

The word difficult, in that title, located the problem entirely in the other person. The reader was the reasonable one. The other was the difficult one. This framing was popular in self-help writing of the era, and it has not aged well, for two reasons.

First, almost no one is purely difficult. The person who feels difficult to you is usually someone whose own nervous system is activated, whose own communication patterns developed in their own history, and who is responding to you according to dynamics that include both of you. Naming them as difficult flattens what is actually a co-created pattern.

Second, the framing implicitly excuses the reader from examining their own contribution. The communication you are struggling with is rarely produced by the other person alone. Your response patterns, your tone, your timing, your assumptions about what they meant — all of it is part of what is happening. Naming them as the difficult one closes off the more useful question, which is what would shift if you changed something about how you are showing up.

So this refresh begins with a different framing. The skills below are for any conversation that has become activated, whoever is producing the activation. The goal is not to learn to manage difficult people. The goal is to learn to communicate clearly when the conditions for clear communication have started to deteriorate — which can happen with anyone, including yourself.

Where assertive communication comes from

Most of us did not learn assertive communication in our families. We learned other things. We learned to suppress our own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace. We learned to manage other people’s emotional weather to keep ourselves safe. We learned to say yes when we meant no, to swallow what we needed to say in order to stay connected to someone we feared losing. We learned to be invisible when visibility had been costly.

These patterns were not failures of character. They were survival adaptations. The child who learned to suppress her own voice did so because her voice was unwelcome, mocked, criticized, or punished. The body that learned to swallow what it needed to say was protecting the relational connection that the child needed to survive. The adaptations made sense at the time. They worked. They kept the child safe.

As adults, the same adaptations cost us. The voice that learned to suppress itself in childhood continues to suppress itself in adult relationships that could actually receive it. The body that learned to swallow needed words continues to swallow them with the people who could actually hear them. The conditions have changed. The system has not yet updated.

Learning assertive communication as an adult is the work of updating the system. Slowly. With practice. With the recognition that the skill was suppressed for survival reasons and is being rebuilt now under different conditions. The skill is learnable. The work is real. And the relationships in your life that can survive your assertiveness will become stronger as you develop it. The ones that cannot will reveal what they actually were.

Regulate first

Before any technique, before any acronym, before any specific words you might use, the most important element of assertive communication is the state of your nervous system. Words spoken from activation almost always fail. The technical content of what you said may be perfect. The delivery, shaped by the activation in your body, will land as something different. Your face will signal something other than what your words say. Your tone will carry the urgency that came from the activation rather than the steadiness that effective communication requires. The other person, sensing the activation, will respond to that rather than to your content.

The single most important thing you can do before initiating an important conversation, or in the middle of a conversation that has begun to get heated, is to regulate. Not perfectly. Just enough.

If you can, take the conversation somewhere quieter. Walk away if necessary and return when you are calmer. There is no rule that important conversations have to happen in the moment of activation. Most are better when both parties are regulated.

If you cannot leave, take silence in the conversation itself. Three deep breaths, slow, with the exhale longer than the inhale. Four counts in, seven counts out, three cycles. About a minute of silence. Silence is allowed. It often produces a different conversation than the one that was about to happen.

Notice your own body. Is your chest tight? Your jaw clenched? Your breath shallow? These are signs the system has moved from social engagement into mobilization. From this state, the words you say will not land the way you want them to. Regulate first. Speak from steadier ground.

The skill itself — what I called PASARR in the original

With the regulation in place, here is the structure of an assertive exchange. The original post called this PASARR — Pause, Acknowledge the Truth, Stay True to Self, Ask for a Request, Repeat, Repair. The acronym still works as a memory aid. The content of each step is essentially the same now as it was then, with some refinement.

Pause

Before you respond to what was just said, take a moment. Notice your own reaction. Notice what wants to come out of your mouth. Notice whether what wants to come out is actually what you mean to say, or whether it is the reflexive defensiveness, justification, or compliance that your earlier conditioning trained you to produce.

The pause is short. Sometimes only a few seconds. But it is the space in which choice becomes possible. Without the pause, your response is automatic. With the pause, you can choose.

This is a learnable skill in its own right. People who have spent decades responding reflexively often need to practice the pause many times before it becomes natural. The early attempts feel awkward. The other person may notice the silence and ask if you are okay. You can say yes. You are just thinking before you speak. This is allowed.

Acknowledge what is true

If the other person has said something that contains accurate information, acknowledge it. This is not capitulation. It is not agreeing with the entirety of their position. It is acknowledging the specific kernel of truth in what they said.

If your partner says you have been distracted lately, and you have been distracted lately, do not deny it. Say yes, I have been distracted. Tell me more about what you have been noticing. This acknowledgment de-escalates the dynamic. It signals to the other person that you are not going to fight them on every point. It also clears space for the actual conversation, which is usually somewhere underneath the surface complaint.

If your boss says your work has been below standard, and you can identify one specific instance where this is true, name it. *You are right about the report I turned in last Tuesday. That was not my best work. The presentation I delivered on Thursday, on the other hand, was strong.* Specificity matters. Generalized criticism becomes more workable when met with specific acknowledgment of what is true and specific clarification of what is not.

If the other person has said nothing accurate, you do not have to invent something. But often there is something accurate in even the most charged communication. Finding it is part of the work.

Stay true to yourself

Use I statements. Not the cliched I-feel-when-you-do-this format that has become a parody of itself, but the genuine practice of speaking from your own experience rather than reporting on the other person’s behavior as if it were the only fact in the room.

Instead of *you never listen to me*, try *I have been feeling unheard in our conversations this week*. The difference is significant. The first is a global statement about the other person that they will resist. The second is a report from your own experience that the other person can engage with.

This is harder than it sounds, especially when the activation is high. The instinct in difficult conversation is to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. Learning to redirect that energy toward what you are actually experiencing is part of the practice.

Ask for what you want

After acknowledging what is true and speaking from your own experience, name what you would like to be different. Specifically. Concretely. In a way the other person can actually respond to.

*When you are late and do not call, I find myself worrying and getting angry. Would you be willing to text me if you are going to be more than ten minutes late?* That is a specific request that the other person can say yes or no to.

*You need to be more considerate* is not a request. It is a vague criticism. The other person cannot do anything specific with it. They will respond defensively because the statement does not give them a path to action.

Specific requests, made from a regulated state, with acknowledgment of what is true and speaking from your own experience, are the actual mechanism by which relationships shift over time.

Reflect and repeat

Ask the other person to share what they heard. Not as a test. As a way to ensure mutual understanding. *Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?* They will often paraphrase back something slightly different from what you meant. This is information. You can clarify. They can clarify what they meant when they said the thing that activated you. Over time, the gap between intent and impact narrows.

Repair

If the conversation has gotten heated, if either of you has said something that landed harder than intended, name it. *That came out sharper than I meant it. Let me try again.* Repair is one of the most powerful tools in any relationship. The capacity to recognize when something has gone off track and to gently bring it back is what distinguishes relationships that endure from relationships that gradually erode.

Repair does not require either of you to be the one entirely at fault. It just requires the willingness to attend to what is happening between you and to try again with more care.

A note on what makes this hard

Reading these steps, you may notice that none of them is complicated. The skills are simple. They are also profoundly difficult to do in the moments when they would help most.

This is because the moments when you would most need these skills are also the moments when your nervous system is most activated. The pause is harder when you are flooded. The acknowledgment of truth is harder when you feel attacked. The I statements are harder when the urge is to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. The request is harder when what you really want is to be understood without having to make a request.

This is the work. You practice the skills in low-stakes moments so that they are partially available in high-stakes moments. You catch yourself, sometimes after the fact, and reflect on what you might have done differently. You return to the practice. You get better, slowly, over years.

And in the meantime, you are not failing. You are practicing a skill that most of us were not taught and that takes most adults a long time to develop. Patience with yourself is part of the work.

Where to begin

Pick one upcoming conversation that you anticipate being difficult. Before it happens, rehearse what you want to say. Use the structure: pause, acknowledge what is true, speak from your own experience, ask for what you want.

Notice your own state before the conversation begins. If you are activated, take five minutes to regulate first. Walk. Breathe. Place your hand on your heart and your belly. Do not begin the conversation until your system is closer to baseline.

Have the conversation. Notice what worked. Notice what did not. Notice where the practice was easy and where you reverted to old patterns. None of this is failure. It is data.

Repeat with the next conversation. Each one builds capacity for the next. Over months and years, the skills become more available. The relationships that can hold your developing voice will deepen. The relationships that cannot will reveal themselves.

And the felt sense of speaking your truth, in a moment that requires it, from a regulated state, with care for the other person and care for yourself, is one of the most powerful experiences available to a person who has spent decades silencing themselves. It is worth the practice. It is worth the awkward early attempts. It is worth the patience the work requires.

In love and dignity, speak the truth — as we think, feel, and know it — and it shall set us free.

— Melody Beattie

Further reading: Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger. Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and difficult conversations. For the companion piece on detachment with love, see The Art of Detachment with Love on courageous-arts.com.

April Wright, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California and Florida. She blogs about attachment, healing, and the courageous arts of becoming oneself at courageous-arts.com and sees clients at thecourageousself.com.

Synchronicity Comes In Mysterious Ways

Posted on by helpingsoul
cricket

“Jung introduced the idea of synchronicity to strip off the fantasy, magic, and superstition which surround and are provoked by unpredictable, startling, and impressive events that, like these, appear to be connected.” ― C.G. Jung, Synchronicity

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Susan has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, severe agoraphobia, panic attacks and dissociation after being robbed at her place of employment. While being held up at gunpoint, she was still able to remain composed and pack the thiefs’ backpack as he demanded.

She returned to work after a week but she remained in the fear response and couldn’t manage the constant feeling of intense danger.  She was overwhelmed and thus came to see me.

We have been working together for almost a year with some progress. Her intense fears cloud her confidence and her critical voice keeps her stuck.

She rather leap forward and “return to normal” than confront her fears with small steps.  She feels the fear and then criticizes herself for having the thoughts at all. She understandably just wants the fear and anxiety to go away.

I have used many of the techniques inside my toolbox.  I introduced mindfulness meditation, four square breathing, grounding exercises, and positive, compassionate self-talk to soothe anxiety. She is able to relax in session and regulate her fears but once she leaves my office, her attempts at home empower fear and her critical voice belittles her efforts.

The Anatomy of Anxiety

Neuroscience has helped us understand how trauma effects the brain. Physiological changes occur even before the conscious mind knows why you’re afraid. The classic fear response located in the amygdala alerts other brain structures resulting in a burst of adrenaline, a shutdown of digestion, a rapid heart rate, sweaty palms, and increased blood pressure.

The circuitry from the amygdala alerts the thalamus and the cortex, the conscious thinking portion of the brain. After the fear response is activated, the cortex and thalamus kick into gear. The thalamus processes sights and sounds and filters incoming cues and directs them either to the amygdala or the cortex.   If the data streaming in through the senses assesses there is imminent danger, the body stays on alert and the thinking part becomes limited.

Once the circuitry proceeds into an elevated stress response for a long period of time, physical, mental, and emotional aspects remain out of normal working conditions. Tools like mindfulness meditation, walking, deep breathing, listening to soothing music, and positive mantras can help regulate the stress response and return your neural circuitry back to normal.

As confidence is built in your ability to self regulate emotions, it is possible to slowly expose yourself to your fears in small doses. Susan was stuck in the stress response and had depleted her self-esteem to try and normalize her emotions.

Symbolism and Synchronicity

While we were in a recent session, I decided to have us switch chairs to engage her into a sense of empowerment. The physical change didn’t help.

But just when things seemed so unhopeful, a cricket appeared. I had been in the office all morning without a cricket in sight. I mentioned seeing the bug crawl on the floor.

Susan lit-up. She said, “My daughter and I were sitting in the backyard the other day and saw a cricket. I was about to kill it but my daughter stopped me. She said, “Mom, crickets are good luck. Don’t kill it. You’ll ruin your luck.”

Was this a coincidence or synchronicity? In Cameron’s book, The Artists Way she described Carl Jung’s term synchronicity as a fortuitous of intermeshing events. Whatever you want to call it, it helped Susan. The belief in seeing the cricket sparked her hope again.

According to many cultures, crickets are a symbol of good fortune and wealth. The cheerful chirps of crickets make us happy. Even William Shakespeare writes about the joys of crickets in his play, Henry IV. In scene IV, Prince Henry asks Poins, “Shall we be merry?” Poins responds, “As merry as crickets, my lad.”

In The Cricket on the Hearth, Charles Dickens writes, “It’s merrier than ever tonight, I think.” And it’s sure to bring us good future; John! It always has done so. To have a cricket on the hearth is the luckiest thing in the world!”

The Chinese observe the cricket as the threefold of life. Crickets lay their eggs in the soil and lives underground as lava. Then they transpire and convert into the imago.

The Irish considered crickets wise and household spirits. They understood all that was said and it was unwise to speak badly of crickets. The singing of crickets keeps the fairies away.

There is much evidence from many cultures and timespans that crickets are a symbol of good things are to come. Sometimes it’s a spontaneous symbol like a cricket that can bring positive change. I am hopeful that Susan will normalize her fears and anxieties.  Soon she will reflect back on the experience as major turning point in her life as a way to make new meaning and sense of a more expanded and renewed sense of self, compassion, and gratitude.

By the way, I never saw that cricket for the rest of the day. I believe it to be a synchronistic event meant only for Susan!

Take a Walk Through a Castle To Learn More About Yourself

Posted on by helpingsoul

Have you ever wondered…

How easily do you take risks?
What do you think will happen in the future?
What images do you believe others have of you?

Use your imagination to take an imaginary walk in a castle to discover more about your character.

As you go through the exercise, the symbols provide perceptions of your overall view of life, your attitude toward new experiences, the image you have of your life, and how you imagine your future. Take into account that culture influences and signifies your personal context on how certain metaphors, images, and symbols suggest various uses and understanding of your life.

It is up to you to decide for your self how the symbols function in your life. This exercise is offered as an aid to enrich the activity and perspectives of your life.

You will need a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil to note your responses.

Begin by taking a few long deep breaths to relax your mind and to settle into your seat. Now imagine you are in front of a castle. Continue to read and answer the following questions to unfold your personal storyline.

  1. You are in front of the door of the castle. How exactly do you imagine it?
a. It is a simple door
b. It is covered by plants and is somewhat hard to find
c. It is a huge wooden door with metal details and it looks a little frightening

2. You pass the door of the castle and realize that there is no soul. It is desert. What is the first thing you see?

a. A huge library, wall to wall full of books
b. A huge fireplace and a hot fire burning
c. A large banquet hall with huge chandeliers and red carpets
d. A long corridor with many closed doors
  1. You look around and find a staircase. You decide to climb the stairs. What does the staircase look like?
a. It looks sharp and massive, leading nowhere
b. It is an impressive spiral, grand staircase
  1. After you climb the stairs, you reach a small room in which there is only one window. How big is the window?
a. It appears normal
b. It’s small, like a porthole
c. It’s massive and take up most of the surface of the wall
  1. You look out the window. What do you see?
a. Large waves crashing furiously on rock
b. A snowy forest
c. A green valley
d. A small, vibrant city
  1. You go down the stairs and you’re back in the area where you were when you first entered the castle. You go ahead and find a door at the rear of the building. You open it and go out in a yard. What exactly does it look like?
a. It is full of hypertrophic plants, grasses, broken wood and fallen barbed wire
b. It is impeccably maintained with countless colorful flowers
c. It’s a jungle, but you can imagine how beautiful it would be if someone cleaned and put it in order

RESULTS

QUESTION 1 – The Door

Your Attitude to New Experiences

The door represents your attitude to new experiences.

a. The Simple Door

If you imagined a simple, everyday door, you probably are not afraid of any new challenge and will test your luck in new things and situations without a second thought.

b. The Hidden Door

If you have chosen the hidden door, you probably do not know what you need to do in the future and your life in it, and it looks blurry and undefined.

c. Big, Scary Door

Of course, if you have chosen a big, scary door, then you probably are afraid of the unknown and find it difficult to get out of your comfort zone and try new experiences.

QUESTION 2– Inside the Castle

Idea You Believe Others Have of You

The space inside the castle is what you believe others perceive of you. For example, if you saw a library, you probably think that you are the person who supports others and helps them find answers to their problems.

a. Large Fireplace

The large fireplace gives a feeling of warmth and passion that you think you cause in people.

b. Fancy Ballroom

A fancy ballroom suggests that you feel that you can dazzle people around you and that you have a lot to give.

c. Long Corridor

If you ended up in a long corridor with closed doors, you feel that you are difficult to understand and others will have to try much to ‘penetrate’ more within you.

QUESTION 3– The Staircase

The stairway shows the image that you have of life.

a. Sharp and Massive Staircase

The sharp and massive staircase shows a person who sees life as suffering, with many difficulties.

b. Beautiful Spiral Staircase

The beautiful spiral staircase shows that you are a romantic person.

QUESTION 4– The Window

The window is the way you feel right now. The size of a window is relative to your culture, where you grew-up, and your environment. Thus what one person may call “small” may be “large” to another person. What matters most is your interpretation.

a. Small Window

A small window means that you feel depressed and trapped in your life. It may feel like there’s no way out of what you are experiencing in this period.

b. Normal Window

A normal-sized window shows a person with realistic demands and expectations of life at this stage. You realize that there are limitations, but the future is here and it looks clear for you.

c. Gigantic Window

If you chose, the gigantic window, you probably feel invincible, free and able to achieve what you want.

QUESTION 5 – The View From The Window

The view from the window is the overview of your whole life.

a. Stormy Sea

A stormy sea shows a hectic and erratic life.

b. Snowy Forest

A snowy forest is associated with a person who lives isolated and detached from the crowds.

c. Green Valley

The green valley shows that your life is calm and steady, without much stress and anxiety.

d. Vibrant City

People relate the vibrant city to someone who generally lives life with lots of socializing and is generally surrounded by lots of people.

QUESTION 6 – The Courtyard Of The Castle

The image of the courtyard is the image that you have in mind of your future.

a. Neat and Shiny Garden

If you chose a neat and shiny garden, then you feel that your future will be heavenly.

b. Picture of a Neglected Garden

Picture of a promising but neglected garden shows an optimistic person, who is worried if he can find the energy to take control of his life and make his future more beautiful.

c. Grassy Damaged Garden

Those who chose the grassy, damaged garden are pessimistic that do not have a nice picture of the future.

The symbols represent aspects of your life but are not like most typical symbols where there is a code or rule to obey.  An example of common, modern symbols include traffic lights, where red means stop and green means go.

The images here are part  of a complex language in which green can mean jealousy or fertility or even both, depending on your personal background. It is up to you to explore the script you chose in the walk through the castle and work through it sensitively.

10 Ways to Get Things Done

Posted on by helpingsoul

“An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

“If you think you can, you can.  If you think you think you can’t, you’re right.”  – George Bernard Shaw

“The future belongs to the common man with uncommon determination.” – Baba Amte

“Practice is the best of all instructions.”  – Publilius Syrus

achievementIt’s another year gone by.  Bloggers, editors, and writers are scripting about resolutions, goals, and fresh starts.  Each New Year seems to bring a surge of renewed energy to make this year the best year yet.  Yet come February/ March that enthusiasm fades.  Why?  What is it about the New Year that brings a desire for change but then it quickly dwindles?

Change is hard.  Breaking old habits takes a consistent effort.  Casting your magic wand doesn’t just make it so.  It takes action, accountability, dedication, repeat and do it again.  Research supports it takes at least 21 days, some say 8 weeks to replace a bad habit.  It really depends.  It depends on the new habit, how long you have been doing it, the benefits of continuing, the immediacy of the payoff, and how often and automatically you perform the behavior.

To break the cycle, it is imperative to be conscientious of your thoughts and behaviors around the routine you desire to alter.   It takes consistent modifications every minute, hour and day.  For how long, well depends. Just repeat the desired change.

Wow! That seems overwhelming, huh.  It doesn’t have to be. Write.  Put your desired behavior modification on paper.  Post your desires on a visible spot that you see daily like your refrigerator, bathroom mirror, or front door.

Take some time (as much as you need) and reflect on the past year.  Look at what you achieved, what you learned, gained, and liked.  Review what you didn’t accomplish.  What were the blocks that prevented you from achieving those marks?  What do you need to make them happen in 2014?   Now write this down and keep it in a safe place to review often.

The answers to the questions above help you analyze past behavior, learn from successes and failures, and make fresh intentions.  The best way to accomplish this thorough investigation of your life is to break it down into professional, relational, body, and spiritual goals.  Again, write your thoughts down!

Next set small goals with specific due dates.  Break down those big ideas, dreams, and aspirations into tiny, manageable, and achievable goals.  Ensure they are realistic.  You don’t want to set yourself up for failure before you even start.

Find support.  Join a team or involve friends and family.  Tell them your aspirations, the due date, and ask them to follow-up and inquire upon your progress.  Involving others ensures accountability, support, and friendly reminders.

Here is a list of 10 Ways to Make Ideas Happen:

1. Remove the words “I can’t” from your vocabulary.

2. Focus on the possibilities instead of the limitations.

3. Remember that there is a solution for every problem (some are just harder to find than others).

4. Write it down and set a deadline.

5. Allow yourself to receive help (there is no reward for doing it all yourself).

6. Be open to feedback and suggestions.

7. Learn how to enjoy the process (it may take you a while to get there, so you might as well enjoy it)!

8. Reward yourself often.  Be proud of even the tiniest steps of progress.

9. Hang around with people who make their ideas happens.

10. Start even if you don’t know how you are going to finish.

11. REPEAT.

The Art of the Narrative: How to Journal for Personal Growth

Posted on by helpingsoul
Is your journal a place of growth or a loop of stress? Discover the creative science of "narrative construction" and learn how to write your way to a clearer perspective

Is your journal a place of growth or a loop of stress? Discover the creative science of “narrative construction” and learn how to write your way to a clearer perspective

Journaling: The Art of Rewriting Your Story

Journaling is journaling, right? Actually, come to find out, the way you use your pen can either bring relief or keep you stuck in a loop of distress. It all depends on your focus.

The “Healthy” Narrative When you write about a particular event, focusing on cognitive processing helps you resolve the experience and find positive outcomes. Research on bereavement (Purcell, 2006) shows that people who externalize their thoughts and engage in “deliberate, effortful thinking” are more likely to find greater meaning in their relationships and values.

Modern research (Tartakovsky, 2022) calls this “cognitive defusion”—the ability to look at your thoughts rather than being in them. This creative distance allows you to:

  • Clarify what makes you happy.

  • Solve problems more effectively.

  • Increase your awareness of your deepest wants and desires.

Avoiding the Rumination Trap An ineffective way to journal is to focus only on the “raw” emotion. While “venting” feels good in the moment, centering solely on the emotional trauma without searching for a lesson or a new perspective can actually hinder your well-being (Nauert, 2012). We naturally tend to focus on the negative; without a structured representation of the event, we can’t find the “gain” in the pain.

The Creative Advantage Writing helps organize the “mental clutter.” By turning stressful images into a simplified, linguistic form, you restore your sense of mastery over your own life story.

Journaling is journaling, right? Well come to find out, it can either bring relief or intensify misery. It all depends on the focus of writing.

What is the best way to journal?

When writing about a particular event, focusing on cognitive processing (making sense of a stressful event) and emotional expression helps to resolve the experience and find positive outcomes. Research shows writing about a stressful incident with emphasis on thoughts and feelings increases positive growth. It directly affects beliefs about the self, the world, and the future (Ullrich & Lutgendorf, 2002).

A study regarding bereavement supports that persons who engaged in deliberate, effortful thinking about the death and externalized their thoughts on paper were more likely to find greater meaning in their relationship with their lost loved one.  They came attuned to more values, priorities, and perspectives in response to the death (Purcell 2006).

Writing not only has mental improvements but also physical.  Here is a list of just some of the positives of journaling:

  •   Strengthens immune system
  •   Increases white blood cells
  •   Decreases symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis
  •   Reduces stress
  •   Effectively solve problems
  •   Resolve Conflict
  •   Clarify what makes you happy
  •   Helps to resolve stressful experiences and find positive outcomes
  •   Increases positive growth
  •   Increases ability to find multiple solutions to a single problem
  •   Helps broaden perspective and enables resolution to disagreement
  •   Provides clarity about situations and people
  •   Increases awareness and organization of wants and desires

What is an ineffective way to journal?

The negative consequences to writing persist when focusing solely on emotional expression. Centering on emotional aspects of traumas or stressful situations may not produce greater understanding. One study explains that expressive writing can actually hinder emotional well-being without any relief from distress. We naturally tend to focus on negative emotions and in doing so further deepen despair about the event without concluding anything positive from the experience.  As daunting as some experiences are, there is usually something that can be learned or gained.  It may be hard to find and may not reveal itself immediately but over time may turn into the best thing.  Change usually doesn’t happen until the pain persists and becomes unbearable ( Nauert 2012).

When expressing just your emotions on paper, the negative consequences can effect your physical and mental health.   The following list describes just a few negative costs:

  •   Increases physical illness
  •   No relief from distress
  •   Lowers immune system
  •   Decreases emotional well-being

Thus when writing about a stressful experience hone in on your emotional outlook and cognitive reasoning. Writing about events and reactions to the situation can help to restore self-efficacy, mastery, and add meaning to the incident. Eventually traumatic or stressful images and emotions are translated into organized, coherent, and simplified linguistic forms. Structured representation of the occurrence can be assimilated with other schemas and subsequently can reduce suffering related to the event.

Your life is a story—are you the narrator or just a character? Explore more tools for creative living and self-expression at courageous-arts.com. If you’re looking for deeper support to navigate life’s transitions, visit thecourageouself.com to explore my psychotherapy services.

References

Nauert PhD, R. (2012). Journaling May Worsen Pain of Failed Relationship. Psych Central. http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/11/30/journaling-may-worsen-pain-of-failed-relationship/48379.html

Purcell, M. (2006). The Health Benefits of Journaling. Psych Central. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/

Ullrich, P. & Lutgendorf, S. (2002).  Journaling About Stressful Events:  Effects of Cognitive Processing and Emotional Expression.  Annals of Behavioral Medicine.  Volume 24, Number 3. University of Iowa.

Tenth Anniversary of the Iraq War: The Personal Impact – To the Point on KCRW

Posted on by helpingsoul

Tenth Anniversary of the Iraq War: The Personal Impact – To the Point on KCRW.

Ten years ago tomorrow, the US invaded Iraq. The human cost to American veterans and their families – and the many Iraqis now desperate to leave a ruined country.

In 2003, Saddam Hussein was said to have “weapons of mass destruction.” There were hints he was tied to September 11. Eighty percent of Americans supported the US invasion. Ten years later, 58 percent say it was not worth years of unexpected combat, more than $2 trillion— and the deaths of 4500 Americans and 100,000 Iraqis. Marcos Soltero always wanted to be a Marine, and enlisted when he was 17 — two months after the Twin Towers collapsed in 2001. Linda Johnson watched both her husband and her youngest son go to war. Tomorrow, we’ll look at why the war is so widely perceived to have gone wrong. Today, we focus on the human consequences: veterans and families coping with injured brains and bodies. Was there ever a real welcome home?

Guests:
Steve Vogel: Washington Post, @steve_vogel
Elspeth Cameron Ritchie: former Army psychiatrist
Stacy Bare: Iraq War veteran
Matt Gallagher: Iraqi veteran, @MattGallagher83

Links:
Veterans Administration
2012 VA report on vets who die by suicide
Senate Veterans Affairs Committee hearing on timely access to high-quality care
Vogel on Army ordering reforms for mental health care treatment
Ritchie on the Army task force report on behavioral health
Sierra Club’s Mission Outdoors Program
Gallagher’s ‘Fire and Forget: Short Stories from the Long War’
Veterans Expeditions
Johnson’s ‘To Be a Friend Is Fatal: A Story from the Aftermath of America at War’
The List Project to Resettle Iraqi Allies

Now is the Time to Do

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Richard Branson
When posting recently about the importance of making lists and resolutions, there was an overwhelming response from people keen to reach their goals in 2013. It’s great to see such enthusiasm – and practical planning – for making positive changes from people all over the world.

Planning is extremely important, for any adventure in or out of business. But even more crucial is the will to simply get out there and do something new. A couple of thoughts have caught my attention this week about creating original ideas.

Dr Muhammad Yunus, founder of the wonderful Grameen Bank in Bangladesh, said: “All human beings are born as entrepreneurs. But unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to unwrap that part of our life, so it remains hidden.”

He touches upon the potential within us all to bring new ideas to life. For those of us fortunate enough to have the chance to see their dreams come to life, it is foolish to waste our opportunities.

Another perceptive point comes from Seth Godin. On his blog, he wrote about the challenges of initiating any project. “Not enough people believe they are capable of productive initiative.

“I don’t think the shortage of artists has much to do with the innate ability to create or initiate. I think it has to do with believing that it’s possible and acceptable for you to do it.”

As Mr Godin suggests, it is absolutely possible for you to create, to take chances, to allow your ideas to flourish if you have enough self-confidence. While he is referring to artists, the same applies for the art of business.

Now is the time to do doesn’t just apply to starting businesses. it applies to relationships, to fitness, to all aspects of your life.

Nobody else is going to start your business for you. 2013 is the time to put your ideas into action. Now is the time to do.