When Waiting Becomes the Pattern: How Empty Promises Keep You Stuck

Posted on by helpingsoul
romantic pinky promise gesture outdoors

Recognizing the gap between what people say and what they do — in business, in relationships, and with yourself

Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing a conversation in your head — one where you finally say exactly the right thing, and this time, they actually hear you?

Maybe it’s a colleague who has been promising to follow through for months. A partner who keeps almost being ready. A parent whose reassurances have become so familiar they’ve lost all meaning. Or perhaps it’s the quieter version — the promise you keep making to yourself that never quite becomes action.

If you recognize that feeling — the particular exhaustion of waiting for words to become real — this is for you.

When Words Stop Meaning Anything

Words like love, sorry, and I promise carry weight. Or they should.

Used with sincerity and followed by action, they are among the most powerful things one person can offer another. But when they are offered habitually — as social etiquette, as performance, as a way of appearing accountable without actually being accountable — they become something else entirely.

Love you becomes a closing line rather than a declaration of presence. Sorry becomes a band-aid applied to a wound that keeps reopening. I promise becomes reassurance designed to maintain your patience rather than honor your trust.

The etiquette is observed. The right words are said. But etiquette without sincerity is performance. And performance — however polished — is a form of manipulation. It creates the appearance of something real while providing none of its substance.

Love is a verb. So is sorry. So is promise. Without action behind them, they are just words.

The Carrot That Keeps Moving

There is a particular cruelty in almost-delivery.

It is not the clean break of someone who simply doesn’t follow through. It is something more subtle — and more damaging. It is the person who maintains your hope with just enough effort to keep you engaged, while never actually delivering what they promised.

You have heard the phrases. You may have said them yourself:

“I haven’t forgotten.” “I’m working on it.” “I’ve just been really busy.” “Give me a little more time.”

Each one does the same thing: it keeps you waiting without making you leave. The carrot stays just within reach — and then moves.

This pattern shows up everywhere. In the workplace — the promotion that has been almost ready for eighteen months, the client who is definitely moving forward, the deal that is always nearly done. In personal relationships — the partner who is almost ready to commit, the friend who always needs you but is never quite available, the parent who offers warmth without accountability. And in the most private relationship of all — the one you have with yourself, where I’ll start Monday and I’m waiting for the right time become the same breadcrumbs you’ve learned to distrust in others.

In every arena, the impact is the same: you are waiting. Deferring your needs. Pausing your forward motion for something that never quite arrives.

And that waiting has a cost.

What Staying Is Really Costing You

The cost is not always obvious. It accumulates slowly — in the energy spent hoping, in the decisions deferred, in the gradual erosion of trust in your own judgment.

Because here is what happens when you stay too long in a pattern of empty promises: you begin to negotiate with yourself. You lower the standard. You tell yourself that partial follow-through is progress, that reassurance is the same as action, that the breadcrumbs are proof enough that something real is there.

And each time you accept less than what was promised, you teach yourself something: that your needs are negotiable. That your time is not particularly valuable. That the gap between words and actions is simply something to be tolerated.

That is self-abandonment. And it happens so gradually that most people don’t recognize it until they are very far from themselves.

The Beginning of a Different Choice

The shift begins with a simple but demanding question: Am I being given evidence — or am I being given reassurance?

Evidence looks like sustained, consistent action over time. Reassurance looks like words carefully calibrated to maintain your patience without advancing the promise.

Once you learn to tell the difference, everything changes. Because you stop evaluating relationships — personal and professional — based on what people say they will do, and start evaluating them based on what they actually do.

And from that place of clarity, real boundaries become possible. Not vague wishes or warnings, but specific, time-bound commitments with real consequences — consequences you are prepared to enforce.

The full framework for building those boundaries — with timeframes, consequences, and the courage to follow through — is explored in depth in the complete version of this article at TheCourageousSelf.com. Because this work deserves more than a summary. It deserves your full attention.

The complete article — including the three-part boundary framework, how this pattern shows up differently in business versus personal relationships, and why walking away is sometimes the most loving thing you can do — is available atTheCourageousSelf.com

If this resonated with you and you are ready to stop waiting and start building a life where words and actions align, I invite you to reach out.

This work takes courage. And you don’t have to do it alone.

april@thecourageousself.com

Accepting Imperfections in Relationships

Posted on by helpingsoul
man and woman closing their eyes

Most people enter relationships with an unspoken hope:
“If this one thing were different, everything would feel better.”

We try to communicate it more clearly.
We try to be patient.
Sometimes, we try to change them—subtly or directly.

But here’s the truth most people avoid:
You cannot change your partner—and trying to often creates the very distance you fear.

Part One: The Ideal Partner

Take a moment and imagine your ideal partner.
Someone who is:

• Emotionally attuned
• Supportive and loving
• Interesting and engaging
• Honest and trustworthy
• Fun, grounded, and available
• Aligned with your values and lifestyle

You may want someone who:

• Listens deeply
• Shares your interests
• Is affectionate and connected
• Gives you space when you need it
• Shows up consistently and reliably

This vision matters.
It reflects your longings, your needs, and your values.

But here’s where the work begins.

Part Two: The Reality of Being Human

Now consider this:
No partner exists without contradiction.

Every person you choose will also come with traits that challenge you.

They may:

• Withdraw when overwhelmed
• Struggle with communication
• Have habits that irritate you
• See the world differently than you do
• Fall short in ways that activate your sensitivity

This is not failure.
This is human complexity.

For example, you may be drawn to a partner who is independent and self-sufficient—
but that same independence may show up as emotional distance when you’re needing closeness.

Or you may love that your partner is easygoing and flexible—
but find yourself frustrated when they avoid structure or difficult conversations.

These are not contradictions to fix.
They are patterns to understand.

In relationships, we are not choosing whether there will be imperfections.
We are choosing which imperfections we are willing to grow with.

This is one of the most important—and often avoided—truths in love.

A More Conscious Question

Instead of asking:
“How do I change my partner?”

The question becomes:
“Can I accept this person as they are, while also honoring what I need?”

This doesn’t mean tolerating harm, disrespect, or emotional neglect.
It means recognizing the difference between:

• True incompatibility
• and
• The discomfort of difference

Growth in relationships often lives in that space.

Part Three: A Practice in Awareness and Acceptance

For the next few days, try a simple but powerful experiment.

Instead of focusing on what frustrates you, gently shift your attention:

• Notice what your partner does well
• Acknowledge the qualities you appreciate
• Observe your urge to criticize or correct—without acting on it

This is not about suppressing your needs.
It’s about becoming aware of how quickly we move toward judgment—and how that impacts connection.

At the same time, turn that reflection inward:

• How do you show up in the relationship?
• Where might you be difficult, avoidant, or reactive?
• What strengths do you bring—and where are your growth edges?

Healthy relationships are not built on perfection.
They are built on mutual awareness, responsibility, and compassion.

Look for the Origin of Your Reactions

When your partner withdraws, becomes distant, or behaves in ways that activate you, pause and ask:

• Does this remind me of earlier relationships—parents, caregivers, or past partners?
• What did I need then that I may not have received?

Often, our strongest emotional reactions are not just about the present moment—
they are echoes of the past.

Practice separating the two:

“That was then. This is now. This situation may feel familiar, but it is not the same.”

From that awareness, a new question emerges:

• Knowing this is different, how do I want to respond differently?

Turning Criticism into Conscious Communication

Instead of reacting from frustration, practice responding from awareness.

Begin with this question:

How can I respond in a way that reflects the person I want to be in this relationship?

Then explore:

• What am I needing right now—emotionally or physically?
• What am I feeling beneath my frustration (hurt, fear, disconnection)?
• How can I express these feelings in a grounded, mature way?
• Is something else in my life contributing to this reaction?
• Have I clearly expressed this need before—or am I hoping they will intuitively understand it without me saying it?

Sometimes we expect our partner to anticipate our needs without clearly expressing them.

This can come from:
• Childhood needs not being fully met
• A longing to feel deeply understood
• The belief that “if they love me, they’ll just know”

But in healthy relationships:
Needs are expressed, not mind-read.

Continue:

• How can I regulate myself before I respond?
• What would it look like to communicate this with honesty instead of blame?
• Have I seen examples of healthy, direct communication—and how can I begin to practice that here?

Much of what we react to in relationships is not just about the present moment—
it is shaped by our nervous system and past experiences.

Final Reflection

Love matures when we stop trying to create the perfect partner…
and begin learning how to relate to an imperfect human being with honesty and care.

This isn’t about settling.
It’s about seeing clearly.

It’s about choosing a relationship where growth is possible—
not because the other person changes,
but because both people are willing to show up with awareness, accountability, and heart.

Call to Action

If you find yourself caught in cycles of frustration, criticism, or trying to change your partner, there is a deeper opportunity available.

At The Courageous Self, I work with individuals and couples to understand relational patterns, improve communication, and create more meaningful, connected partnerships.

You don’t have to keep repeating the same dynamics.
With the right tools and awareness, relationships can become a place of growth, safety, and genuine connection.

If you’re ready to explore what’s possible, I invite you to reach out.

“It’s Not a Big Deal”: What Happens When Our Feelings Are Dismissed

Posted on by helpingsoul

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
— Carl Jung

Many people grow up learning that certain emotions are inconvenient.

When a child expresses disappointment, hurt, or anger and the response is dismissal, correction, or indifference, the child quickly adapts. In order to maintain connection with caregivers, they begin to minimize their own emotional experience.

They tell themselves:

It’s not a big deal.
I’m overreacting.
I shouldn’t feel this way.

Over time, this becomes automatic. Instead of acknowledging their feelings, they learn to push them aside.

This is the birth of emotional minimization.

Why Children Learn to Minimize

Children depend on their caregivers for safety and connection. When emotional expressions are dismissed or discouraged, the child learns that showing certain feelings disrupts harmony within the relationship.

To preserve attachment, the child adjusts.

Rather than expressing the feeling fully, they reduce its importance.

What appears on the surface as maturity or resilience is often adaptation.

The child learns to stay quiet, move on quickly, and tell themselves that what they felt did not really matter.

Where the Feelings Go

Emotions do not disappear simply because we minimize them.

They are pushed aside rather than processed.

Over time, these unprocessed emotions accumulate beneath the surface.

They do not disappear simply because they were minimized or ignored. Instead, they become part of our emotional history, stored within the body and nervous system.

When a present-day experience resembles an earlier one, that history can become activated. A similar interaction, tone of voice, or relational dynamic may trigger the nervous system and open what can feel like emotional floodgates.

In these moments, the intensity of the reaction is not only about what is happening now. It also reflects layers of earlier experiences that were never fully acknowledged or processed.

From the outside, the response may appear disproportionate to the situation. But internally, the body is responding to a much larger emotional history.

In many ways, this is the body’s natural attempt to resolve what was previously left unresolved.

Why Reactions Grow Stronger Over Time

Each time a feeling is minimized, another layer is added.

Over months and years, the emotional weight of these experiences accumulates. When something in the present moment resembles earlier situations, the reaction can feel surprisingly intense.

Others may say, “You’re being too emotional,” or wonder why the response seems out of proportion.

But the reaction is rarely about a single moment.

It is the combined weight of many moments that were never fully acknowledged or processed.

The body remembers what the mind attempted to dismiss.

Why Minimization Repeats Across Generations

Emotional minimization is rarely learned in isolation. More often, it is passed down across generations.

If a person was raised in an environment where emotions were dismissed or discouraged, they may never have learned how to acknowledge, process, or tolerate their own emotional experiences. As a result, emotions can feel overwhelming or uncomfortable.

When someone has not developed the capacity to sit with their own feelings, witnessing another person openly expressing emotion can feel threatening.

Instead of leaning into curiosity or empathy, the person instinctively tries to reduce the discomfort.

One way this happens is through psychological defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms are unconscious strategies the mind uses to protect itself from emotional distress. Psychologists have identified many of these protective responses—such as denial, projection, rationalization, and displacement.

Minimization is one of them.

When someone minimizes another person’s feelings, they are often attempting to reduce their own internal discomfort.

If the emotion is framed as “not a big deal,” then it no longer needs to be acknowledged, explored, or processed.

But when minimization becomes the primary way emotions are handled within a family, it quietly teaches the next generation the same lesson:

Feelings are inconvenient.
Strong emotions should be reduced.
Expressing them creates problems.

Over time, this pattern becomes normalized. Each generation learns to suppress feelings in order to maintain harmony, even though the emotional cost continues to accumulate beneath the surface.

The Cost of Suppressing Feelings

When emotions are repeatedly minimized, several consequences tend to develop over time.

Resentment can quietly build beneath the surface.

Emotional reactions may become more intense when they finally emerge.

People can lose confidence in their own internal signals, questioning whether their feelings are valid or reasonable.

Relationships can become strained by misunderstandings about emotional expression.

The individual may even begin to believe something is wrong with them for feeling so strongly.

What they may not realize is that those feelings have been waiting a long time to be acknowledged.

A Different Approach

Healing begins with a simple but powerful shift: learning to acknowledge our emotions rather than minimizing them.

A helpful phrase often used in psychology is “name it to tame it.” When we pause long enough to identify what we are feeling, the intensity of the emotion often begins to settle. Naming the feeling engages the thinking parts of the brain, allowing us to observe the experience rather than being overwhelmed by it.

In many ways, this process is similar to a concept found in physics—the idea that observation itself can influence what is being observed. When we bring awareness to our internal experience, something begins to change.

The emotion is no longer pushed away or ignored. It is recognized.

Each feeling carries valuable information. Emotions help us understand what matters to us, what hurts us, and what we long for. They reveal our preferences, boundaries, and desires.

When we learn to acknowledge our emotions with curiosity rather than judgment, we begin to develop a different kind of relationship with ourselves.

We communicate an important message internally:

My experience matters.

This is where self-trust begins.

Instead of dismissing what we feel, we learn to acknowledge it, nurture the hurt within, and remind ourselves that we are capable of caring for our own emotional world.

Over time, this practice becomes the foundation for a healthier relationship with ourselves—one built on awareness, compassion, and trust.

And as our relationship with ourselves improves, our relationships with others often improve as well.

When we understand and regulate our own emotions, we are better able to communicate clearly, respond thoughtfully, and create relationships where feelings can be expressed rather than suppressed.

When emotions are acknowledged as they arise, they move through us rather than accumulating within us.

A Gentle Invitation

Many high-functioning adults learned early in life that minimizing their feelings helped maintain harmony in their families. Over time, this pattern can lead to confusion about one’s emotional responses and difficulty trusting one’s own internal experience.

Learning to recognize and process emotions in a healthy way is a skill that can be developed.

At Courageous Hearts, I work with adults who want to better understand their emotional world, develop greater self-awareness, and build relationships where feelings can be expressed and respected rather than dismissed.

Healing often begins with something simple yet powerful:

Taking your own emotional experience seriously.

If you are ready to explore these patterns and develop healthier ways of relating—to yourself and to others—I invite you to reach out.

The Four Taboos of Communication: Rule #2 — No Demanding

Posted on by helpingsoul

Research has come a long way since the 1960’s when the book The Mirages of Marriage by Don Jackson and William Lederer expressed that distressed marriages lacked a contract based on rewards and positive feelings.  It was suggested that partners negotiate a contract based out of self-interest to arrive at the best deal. Therapy approaches also recommended couples to designate a day of thoughtful exchanges.

Couples therapists now recommend couples work together with mutual trust and with shared meaning and purpose. Psychologists suggest partners act nice to each other not out of self-interest but out of mutual interest.  Furthermore, professionals advise spouses to express emotions in a committed safe haven of trust, curiosity, and validation.

The ingredients for not only loving but being in love with your partner resides with good conflict-resolution skills and daily emotional connections; where calmly talking, listening, cuddling and saying, “I love you” with sincerity persists.  Cuddling is important because it secretes oxytocin, the chemical that creates bonding and a great sex life.

The components to creating a healthy, happy relationship may sound overwhelming. It’s really quite simple.  It starts with some basic communication rules.  The guidelines include staying away from the four taboos of communication.

1.    Criticism

2.    Demanding

3.    Defensiveness

4.    Angry outburst

I discussed the menaces of criticism and how it leads to a hostile environment causing distance, distrust, and defensiveness.  The second communication pitfall to avoid is making a demand.

What is a demand?

A demand is a forceful request based on self-interest.  The act of a demand is being domineering, controlling, and forceful.  Similar to criticism, demanding something of your spouse is not constructive and does not have the mutual interest of the relationship in mind.

Demanding actions of your significant other commonly results in a passive-aggressive partner.  Passive-aggressive behavior is a defense mechanism to punish you for your demands.  Relationships that resort to demanding and retorting passive-aggressive behavior turn into a vicious cycle of retaliation, intense anger, and distance.

The solution is to pause before speaking when a demand enters your mind.  You may ask for a time-out and express that you can reconvene in an hour or whatever particular timeframe you need to speak calmly and express what triggered the demand.   Give yourself plenty of nurturing time to think and assess what soft spot was hit that brought forth this demand.

When you are ready, ask respectfully to your partner when is a good time to talk.  When a time is set, make sure the setting is comfortable with no distractions.  Share your perception and feelings of the event and what feelings about yourself and the relationship come forward.  The more you express your inner world in a committed safe haven of curiosity, understanding, and empathy, the closer you become.

If your communication is falling into traps of demands and passive-aggressiveness, call me at (424) 258-5416 or email me at april@aprilwrighttherapy.com and let’s begin a course of action so that you may build trust and understanding again.

 

6 Tips to Improve Communication With Difficult People

Posted on by helpingsoul

Dialog between man and woman
Image source: (Fotolia)

Some people are just downright difficult. No matter what you say or do, it feels like there is no way out. Emotions overrun rational thoughts. Conversations turn into heated arguments, and nothing solves. It’s times like these that old patterns of communication need a make-over.

We learn our communication style by our environment and upbringing. If we come from households where our thoughts were not valued, listened, or supported; we learned not to talk. If we were dismissed, ignored, or criticized by cultural gender norms, we learned to remain silent. We adapted to suppress our thoughts and feelings to survive. As adults, we are now confronted with shame, anger, and denial of our thoughts and feelings.

When we retreat from communicating directly due to cultural norms, gender norms, or social norms we deny ourselves. We disallow access to our authentic self and to deeply connected relationships. Our fear of not being liked, avoidance of conflict or perfectionism keeps us isolated. We don’t give our relationships a chance. We hide from who we are, what we think, and what we feel. In turn, we treat ourselves with the same criticism and suppression as our childhood environment.
There is another way. We don’t have to run and hide. We can speak openly, honestly, and directly. It is not difficult. With practice communicating our needs and wants becomes second nature.

Learning skills to be assertive opens up courageous possibilities to be vulnerable. Exposing our real selves involves taking risks. The benefits outweigh discomforts. A richness of meaningful experiences of love, a sense of belonging, trust, joy, and creativity evolve naturally.

With assertiveness, we learn to stand-up for ourselves and not violate the rights of another person. It is a direct and honest expression of our feelings and opinions. We act, think and feel supporting our rights and the rights of others as equally valued, expressed, and respected.

Test Your Assertiveness

1. Do you find yourself saying “yes” to requests when you really want to say “no?”
Yes      No
2. Is it hard for you to make a decision?
Yes      No
3. Are you unable to express your discontent with a friend or partner, even if you think it is justified?
Yes      No
4. Is it difficult for you to ask for help or assistance?
Yes      No
5. Is it hard for you to express an opinion that is different from other people’s opinions?
Yes      No
6. Is it hard for you to share something positive about yourself?
Yes      No
7. Do you not speak up at work, a class, or meeting, even when you know the answer to a question or have a solution?
Yes      No
8. Do you find it difficult to accept a compliment?
Yes      No

If you answered “Yes” to one or more of the questions, you might have difficulty using assertive communication.

6 Tips to Communicate Assertively Using the Acronym, P A S A R R

1. Pause.

Quiet the mind for a moment to check in and listen internally. Noticing our thoughts gives us the opportunity to assess what we desire. Paying attention to our first intentions positions us to listen to our intuitive voice and bash any defeating self-talk. Being aware of how we feel and what we want to say enables us to stay true to ourselves. With consistent practice, reflection and self-validation the process will take less time.

2. Acknowledge the Truth.

Mirroring body language and giving credit where deserved credit helps deflate a heated moment. Agreeing with a kernel of truth in the complaint also provides time for internal reflection. For example, your boss says, “Your work is always screwed-up.” Ask, “In what way did I screw up?” If she says, “You just are a screw-up,” agree with one discreet example (if it is accurate), but correct her overgeneralization.

3. Stay True to Self.

Using clear and definite “I statements” validating our thoughts and feelings keep the conversation focused on the behavior not the person. While beginning a sentence with “I think” or “I feel” then go on to briefly describe the other person’s behavior.

4. Ask for a Request. Following what we noticed in the other’s person behavior with how their actions affected us kept the focus on cause and effect of behavior, not the person. Then make a request. For example, “When you are late and do not call, I feel afraid that something happened to you. I feel angry that I am waiting. I feel irritated that you don’t value my time. I would prefer it if you call to let me know if you are going to be more than 10 minutes late. Can you do that for me?”

5. Repeat.

Encouraging others reflection ensures mutual understanding. We are practicing self-validation and asking for what we want.

6. Repair.

If the steps above have not helped, continue to ask questions. Inquiring about others thoughts and feelings shows curiosity and their thoughts and feelings matter equally to yours, and a mutual solution is desired. During this phase paying attention to our non-verbal cues such as tone and volume of voice, eye-contact, and body position enables us to be in control of our self. It is also important to ensure we stay true to ourselves, saying “No” when needed to provide healthy boundaries, and validating our thoughts and feelings.

Using assertive techniques is a skill. It improves with practice. With time communicating our desires becomes easy. Following these steps as a guideline to stop before a heated argument, reflecting and staying honest to ourselves and others, and maintaining healthy boundaries allocates opportunity for a joint resolution, self-value, and increased confidence. Knowing that we took a risk to stand-up for ourselves demonstrates that we matter, that our thoughts and feelings are valuable, and we are worth defending.

In love and dignity, speak the truth – as we think, feel, and know it – and it shall set us free.
~ Melody Beattie

Step Ten of Alcoholics Anonymous — A Life Journey

Posted on by helpingsoul

Responsibility: No single drop of water thinks it is responsible for the floodStep 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Steps one through nine provide tools to awaken internal realizations and relational manifestations.  They offer help to accept the past and heal what is possible.  The first nine measures give guidance for honesty, faith, hope, courage, and humility for responsible lives.

Step ten is based on the principle of responsibility.  Being responsible is using our authority to make independent decisions for our actions and for our failures to take action.  We are accountable for our actions and their consequences.

The tenth step uses the basis of responsibility and applies it to daily life as an ever evolving journey.  Throughout the stages of life, we are in a in a constant state of transition, emerging, evolving, and becoming.  We are continually discovering and making sense of our existence.  As we repeatedly question ourselves, others and the world, it is important to continue looking within and practice being accountable for our behaviors especially when we are wrong.  Paying attention to our varying degrees of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors helps improve conscientious decisions-making.  Keeping abreast to our internal being and being true to ourselves and others maintains balance and happiness as we progress in our lifespan.

To help encourage awareness make time each day to practice stillness.  Stillness is slowing down from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  Set up a quiet sanctuary for your practice.  Maintain a personal ritual in a quiet place where you can focus internally.  It’s a time to just notice and listen in the moment.  This is not a time for judgment or ridicule.  Just allow thoughts to surface and pay attention to where the feeling is sensed in the body.

The concept is simple, yet can feel difficult to perform.  To assist, you might create a place dedicated solely for the purpose of reflection.  Form a tranquil space with pillows, blankets, and memorabilia that are personally special.  Wear comfortable clothing.

Nature is another sanctuary.  Ensure there are no external distractions such as electronic devices or interruptions.  Take the time to focus internally and scan your body and listen to your inner being.

Begin by taking several slow, deep breaths.  Start your practice remaining silent for five minutes and as your meditation muscles strengthen, add more time.  Increase in one to five minute intervals each week until you reach thirty or forty-five minutes, or as much as feels right for you.

In the beginning taking time for mindfulness may seem like a waste of time. Allow for the process to transpire and you will reap many benefits. You will have more clarity and decisiveness.  With less wandering of the mind, you are able to make quick, precise decisions.   You are more centered, well-balanced and connected with your core and inner being.  Having greater connection to your body and mind provides more awareness.  Being aware supplies consciousness to peace and confidence in your authenticity.

Stillness is your sacred time to connect to your spiritual power and to reflect inward.  It is a valuable time solely for you.  With practice, you will adopt, habituate and notice positive changes in all areas of your life.

Now that you are more aware of your thoughts, emotions, and actions, challenge yourself to experience fearful situations and remain there knowing you can manage your emotions and take responsibility for your behavior.  Each person has unique thoughts, emotions, and urges.  They are a natural part of life.   Distinctive thoughts and feelings are not right or wrong.  Labeling them good or bad/right or wrong is passing judgment.  Acceptance is a state of non judgment.  Reassure yourself, that your thoughts and feelings matter and are of value.  They equate just as much as everyone else’s.

The more in tune you are with your thoughts and feelings, the more you can create a safe place for you to express them in a healthy way.  This means stating your wants and desires.  If you are not getting want you want, it is your responsibility to express your needs.  People are not mind-readers.  The only way to have a healthy discussion is to communicate openly and honestly.  Allow the other person to speak, express their thoughts, desires, and feelings; and then do the same.  Use respectful dialogue.  Establish ground rules such as no name calling, blaming, yelling, or stonewalling. If the conversation elevates to such a level, take a time out with a specific day/ time to reconvene and continue the discussion.  Ensure you return at the established day/ time.  This builds trust.  With practice, responsible responses will habituate and become easier over time.

Having an awakening to your internal psyche creates more options and alternatives. Exposure to communication brings deeper connection and better relationships.  We are our choices.  Thus instead of using alcohol, drugs, sex, shopping, gambling, and relationships to restrain what you think and feel, you have the capacity to notice, acknowledge and choose how you manage your internal workings.   Your relationships will show the improvement.

Step 10 encourages you to notice and allow whatever thoughts and emotions you are thinking or feeling to surface.  By observing your interior consciousness you are awakening to a richer life of happiness, joy, and serenity as well as managing your own life for safety and protection.  Having thoughts and emotions are normal and healthy.   Allowing them to surface doesn’t mean you have to act on them.  It’s being in charge, building a relationship with your fears and distress, and strengthening your confidence to know you can handle difficult experiences.

Responsibility Sure Glad the hole isn't at our end.

5 Ways to Improve Your Conscious Listening

Posted on by helpingsoul

active-listening_pinkTaken from Julian Treasure: 5 ways to listen better | Video on TED.com

Conscious listening is understanding sound.   It increases empathy, connection, consciousness, and peace.  Listening externally improves relationships.  Listening internally increases awareness of inner wisdom and self-sabotaging talk.  Read on to learn ways to uplift your capacity to hear with clarity.

1. Sit silently for three minutes a day to recalibrate and hear the silence again.

2. Listen and count the many channels of sound (i.e. count birds chirping or the different depths of sound listening to the flow of a creek, or the clasps of the coffee machine being worked at Starbucks as you stand in line).

3. Savor mundane sounds.  Turn the sound of a washing machine into a waltz.

4. Listening positions allow room to navigate, see different perspectives, and find solutions.

  • Active | passive
  • Reductive | expansive
  • Critical |empathetic

5. R A S A is an acronym to simplify the rules to listen better.

  • R = Receive, pay attention
  • A = Appreciation, thank for sharing
  • S = Summarize, use so… frequently
  • A – Ask, pose many questions

Listening is a rare art form that takes practice, dedication, and consciousness.  Notice how slowing down to listen to others and yourself can help transform your relationships, decision-making, and peacefulness.

Now is the Time to Do

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Richard Branson
When posting recently about the importance of making lists and resolutions, there was an overwhelming response from people keen to reach their goals in 2013. It’s great to see such enthusiasm – and practical planning – for making positive changes from people all over the world.

Planning is extremely important, for any adventure in or out of business. But even more crucial is the will to simply get out there and do something new. A couple of thoughts have caught my attention this week about creating original ideas.

Dr Muhammad Yunus, founder of the wonderful Grameen Bank in Bangladesh, said: “All human beings are born as entrepreneurs. But unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to unwrap that part of our life, so it remains hidden.”

He touches upon the potential within us all to bring new ideas to life. For those of us fortunate enough to have the chance to see their dreams come to life, it is foolish to waste our opportunities.

Another perceptive point comes from Seth Godin. On his blog, he wrote about the challenges of initiating any project. “Not enough people believe they are capable of productive initiative.

“I don’t think the shortage of artists has much to do with the innate ability to create or initiate. I think it has to do with believing that it’s possible and acceptable for you to do it.”

As Mr Godin suggests, it is absolutely possible for you to create, to take chances, to allow your ideas to flourish if you have enough self-confidence. While he is referring to artists, the same applies for the art of business.

Now is the time to do doesn’t just apply to starting businesses. it applies to relationships, to fitness, to all aspects of your life.

Nobody else is going to start your business for you. 2013 is the time to put your ideas into action. Now is the time to do.

Healthy Relationship Habits: Communication

Posted on by helpingsoul

1.    Communicate daily.  Communicating daily ensure you are in tune to your partners latest interests, ideas, thoughts, and emotions which give greater opportunity for connection and intimacy.

2.    Learn to listen. By listening, you are able to summarize what your partner said and how they feel in about two sentences when they have completely stopped speaking.

3.    Check in.  Randomly inquiry about your partner.  Showing interest in unexpected way, shows you care, are curious, and want to included in your partner’s daily life whether mundane or not.

4.    “I” statements – I think, I feel, I prefer.  By taking ownership of your wants, needs, and emotions, your partner is less likely to become defensive.

5.     Express emotions.  Use specific feelings and actions that instilled the anger, hurt, sadness, joy, or happiness.

6.     Don’t blame. Take a moment to declare what your role may have been in the situation. No matter the situation, everyone involved played a part.  Taking responsibility for your function creates an atmosphere for safety and expression.

7.    Share, get to know each other, ask questions, be curious, and unleash childhood experiences, share pictures, memories, and stories.  Sharing small bits of you ensures safety and trust over time.

8.    Speak what is true to you. Stop, reflect for a moment, determine what is true for you in the situation and speak your truth kindly.  Identify a specific event or topic and use “When this happened, I feel/ felt, because I, and I (clarifying your requests, what you’d like to see in the future, actions you plan to take, and when, and what you will do to take care of yourself), and I appreciate.  Finish with kindness.

9.    Never go to bed angry!  Clear up the argument before hitting the sheets.  Come to a

Couple_sitting_outdoor_table_talking

compromise or determine a time and place to reconvene the discussion.  Make-up sex just may be the perfect way to move past an argument.

10.   Be Specific in your communication.  Discuss one topic at a time and don’t move on to the next until the first one is resolved.

11.   Remind your partner why you fell in love with them.  Describe specific things you love about them.

12.   Show appreciation for who they are and what they do.  Again be specific in sharing your appreciation. “I appreciate it when you….”

13.   No Yelling.  The louder you yell, the less the other person listens to you! Speak in a warm and loving tone calmly and respectfully and more likely your partner will listen.

14.   Use preferences – avoid demands. Ex: Instead of “You need to clean the scattered newspaper in the living room tonight” try “I feel anxious because the large stack of newspaper in the living room is distracting.  I would really appreciate it if you could find a secluded place to store the newspapers tonight.”

15.   Use eye contact. Think how it feels to be spoken to while someone is looking at you versus looking at the newspaper.

16.   Do not give unsolicited advice. When you know you partner is having a rough day, just listen and don’t try to solve their problem.  They are fully capable of solving their own issues.  A good listening ear may be all the help that is required.

Embrace Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Lori Hollander LCSW-C, BCD Relationships & Marriage

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
 -Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.