Overcoming Defensiveness in Relationships

Posted on by helpingsoul
woman covering her face with her hands

The key to transforming conflict into deeper intimacy

There is a quiet moment in conflict that often goes unnoticed—the moment just before defensiveness takes over.

It’s the split second when you feel exposed, misunderstood, or accused. Your chest tightens. Your thoughts begin to race. And instead of leaning in with curiosity, you instinctively move to protect yourself.

You explain. You justify. You push back.

And just like that, the opportunity for connection disappears.

Many individuals, couples, and families attempt to resolve problems by focusing on feelings. While emotions are essential, they are often misapplied. Not every conflict requires an emotional deep dive—some problems are practical and require clear, logical solutions.

However, when a situation activates something deeper—when it stirs the nervous system in a way that feels disproportionate to the moment—that is when a feelings-based conversation becomes necessary.

Research in interpersonal neurobiology shows that when we perceive threat in relationships, the brain’s alarm system—particularly the amygdala—activates, often bypassing rational thought and moving us into protection rather than connection. At the same time, studies by John Gottman have consistently identified defensiveness as one of the primary predictors of relational breakdown when left unaddressed.

In these moments, we are no longer responding to the present—we are responding from unresolved emotional memory.

This is where emotional communication becomes one of the most powerful tools for building trust and intimacy.

When feelings are understood—both in the present and in their deeper origins—clarity emerges. And from that clarity, meaningful and lasting solutions can be found.

Creating Structure for Safe Communication

For emotional conversations to be productive, they must be structured. Without structure, they quickly become reactive.

One of the most important agreements is assigning roles: the speaker and the listener.

Expressing feelings matters. But listening—truly listening—is what creates transformation.

Healthy conversations require a safe emotional environment grounded in respect, boundaries, and shared agreements.

The Role of the Speaker

The speaker’s role is to describe their internal experience using “I” statements.

This includes:

  • Naming the feeling
  • Connecting it to a specific event
  • Explaining how it impacts your sense of self

For example:

“I felt hurt when you walked away while I was talking and slammed the door.”
“I felt angry when you accused me of something I didn’t do.”
“I felt fearful for your safety when you drove home after working a double shift.”
“I felt disappointed when you canceled our date.”
“I felt frustrated when plans kept changing.”

A more complete expression might sound like:

“I feel hurt when I try to share something important and you look at your phone. It makes me feel like what I’m saying doesn’t matter. I start to feel invisible, small, and unimportant.”

The intention is not to criticize, but to reveal the emotional impact.

From there, the speaker may explore whether the reaction connects to earlier experiences:

“It reminds me of when my father used to yell at me and demand that I explain myself. I would become so scared that my mind went blank. The more he yelled, the more I shut down.”

This reflection helps both partners understand that the reaction is not just about the present—it is about a sensitive neural pathway that has been activated.

The final step is to express a need or request—without turning it into a demand:

“What would help me is if, when I’m sharing something important, you could pause and make eye contact. That would help me feel heard and valued.”

A request is an invitation, not a requirement.

The Role of the Listener

The listener’s role is equally important—and often more difficult.

To listen well requires setting aside your own agenda, thoughts, and reactions in order to fully understand your partner’s experience.

This requires presence, curiosity, and restraint.

A skilled listener reflects and validates:

“It sounds like when I’m distracted while you’re talking, you feel invisible and unimportant. I can understand how that would be hurtful.”

They also deepen understanding through questions:

  • “Can you tell me more?”
  • “When else have you felt this way?”
  • “Does this connect to something from earlier in your life?”

Listening in this way communicates care, respect, and emotional safety.

The listener also helps maintain the integrity of the conversation by recognizing when one of the four taboos of communication emerges:

  1. Criticism
  2. Demanding
  3. Defensiveness
  4. Angry outbursts

If emotions escalate beyond regulation, a pause is necessary. A time-out is not avoidance—it is emotional responsibility.

Before separating, agree on a specific time to return to the conversation. Even if you are not ready at that moment, returning as agreed builds trust and reinforces a shared commitment to resolution.

Regulating the nervous system—through walking, journaling, breathwork, or reaching out for support—restores clarity and makes reconnection possible.

The Third Taboo: Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a protective response to emotional discomfort.

When we feel criticized, blamed, ashamed, or afraid of being wrong, the nervous system shifts into self-protection.

Instead of listening, we justify, minimize, or counterattack.

Defensiveness often sounds like:

  • “That’s not what happened.”
  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “You do the same thing.”
  • “I only did that because you…”

While these responses may provide temporary relief, they communicate something deeply invalidating:

“Your feelings are wrong.”

At that point, the conversation shifts from understanding to proving—who is right, who is wrong, and who gets to be heard.

And connection is lost.

In reality, defensiveness is rarely about the present moment alone. It is a shield protecting deeper emotions—pain, shame, guilt, fear, or the vulnerability of feeling inadequate.

Moving Beyond Defensiveness

The antidote to defensiveness is not explanation.

It is emotional honesty.

When you notice yourself becoming defensive, pause and turn inward:

  • What am I feeling right now?
  • What about this feels threatening?
  • What part of me feels exposed?

Then, instead of defending, reveal:

“When you said that, I noticed I became defensive. I think a part of me felt ashamed and worried that I disappointed you.”

This shifts the conversation from conflict to connection…
from protection to vulnerability…
from distance to intimacy.

At the same time, the listener remains grounded—curious, open, and empathetic, even when activated.

With practice, couples begin to understand something profound:

Emotional honesty creates connection. Defensiveness destroys it.

Closing

If your communication patterns often fall into criticism, demands, defensiveness, or uncontrolled anger, you are not alone—and change is possible.

With awareness, structure, and practice, you can learn to communicate in a way that restores safety, deepens trust, and strengthens intimacy.

If you would like support in transforming your relationship, I invite you to reach out and begin a course of action toward building a more connected and secure partnership.

 

 

 

The Four Taboos of Communication: Rule #2 — No Demanding

Posted on by helpingsoul

Research has come a long way since the 1960’s when the book The Mirages of Marriage by Don Jackson and William Lederer expressed that distressed marriages lacked a contract based on rewards and positive feelings.  It was suggested that partners negotiate a contract based out of self-interest to arrive at the best deal. Therapy approaches also recommended couples to designate a day of thoughtful exchanges.

Couples therapists now recommend couples work together with mutual trust and with shared meaning and purpose. Psychologists suggest partners act nice to each other not out of self-interest but out of mutual interest.  Furthermore, professionals advise spouses to express emotions in a committed safe haven of trust, curiosity, and validation.

The ingredients for not only loving but being in love with your partner resides with good conflict-resolution skills and daily emotional connections; where calmly talking, listening, cuddling and saying, “I love you” with sincerity persists.  Cuddling is important because it secretes oxytocin, the chemical that creates bonding and a great sex life.

The components to creating a healthy, happy relationship may sound overwhelming. It’s really quite simple.  It starts with some basic communication rules.  The guidelines include staying away from the four taboos of communication.

1.    Criticism

2.    Demanding

3.    Defensiveness

4.    Angry outburst

I discussed the menaces of criticism and how it leads to a hostile environment causing distance, distrust, and defensiveness.  The second communication pitfall to avoid is making a demand.

What is a demand?

A demand is a forceful request based on self-interest.  The act of a demand is being domineering, controlling, and forceful.  Similar to criticism, demanding something of your spouse is not constructive and does not have the mutual interest of the relationship in mind.

Demanding actions of your significant other commonly results in a passive-aggressive partner.  Passive-aggressive behavior is a defense mechanism to punish you for your demands.  Relationships that resort to demanding and retorting passive-aggressive behavior turn into a vicious cycle of retaliation, intense anger, and distance.

The solution is to pause before speaking when a demand enters your mind.  You may ask for a time-out and express that you can reconvene in an hour or whatever particular timeframe you need to speak calmly and express what triggered the demand.   Give yourself plenty of nurturing time to think and assess what soft spot was hit that brought forth this demand.

When you are ready, ask respectfully to your partner when is a good time to talk.  When a time is set, make sure the setting is comfortable with no distractions.  Share your perception and feelings of the event and what feelings about yourself and the relationship come forward.  The more you express your inner world in a committed safe haven of curiosity, understanding, and empathy, the closer you become.

If your communication is falling into traps of demands and passive-aggressiveness, call me at (424) 258-5416 or email me at april@aprilwrighttherapy.com and let’s begin a course of action so that you may build trust and understanding again.

 

Objectification

Posted on by helpingsoul

This article from Mirror of Intimacy by Alexandra Katehakis & Tom Bliss wonderfully explains how objectification may be helpful and harmful not only with our lover but with strangers on the streets, service industries professionals and the like.  picture depicting objectification

“Being objectified gave me a certain sense of humility, and made me feel ignored and unnoticed. At the same time, it made me aware of how and when I do this to others. Sometimes I do it to my friends, when I call them for the express purpose of talking about myself. I almost always do it to customer service reps. And I often objectify barristas: you are just something that happens between me and my latte.”  ~ Melanie Curtin

An object is a thing, usually made of material that can be seen and touched. But an object can also be a person we direct feelings towards. Thus, the one we love can be our “love object” in the most literal sense of the word. But when we target a person as an item of our physical desire–a sexual object to be had–we’ve reduced him or her to a thing to be used for our gain. We all recognize this type of objectification as cold and calculating, serving our carnal needs without any regard for the other. But we often ignore that when we become habituated to this pattern of sexuality we have, ironically, made ourselves into objects, and will find ourselves being used sexually or otherwise, and discarded afterward. Over time, such sexual encounters bring despair to both parties.

In contrast, when love and attachment inspire objectification, being the love object can be exciting and fun. All too often people feel offended by being objectified in any way. But when we comfortably embody our sexuality, objectification by our lover feels like a compliment. To achieve that experience, we must leave any shame about our body or sexuality out of the bedroom. Confidence, self-knowledge, and an appreciation of our sexiness and beauty let us view, and give, our self as a love object in a healthy way.

Receiving adoration for our corporeal body requires a high level of self-love. Typically we associate using one’s body seductively as a power trip. But when we transform our energy into genuine, relationship-based power we experience our self differently, as an admirer–like our lover–of the body we were given at birth, the body that transports us through life, the body that is the altar of sexual pleasure and delight.

Questions to further assess your personal view on how you may or may not objectify others. 

  1. What does it feel like to be objectified?
  2. Where do you feel your emotions in your body?
  3. When have you noticed objectifying someone else?  What was that experience like for you?
  4. Describe in detail beliefs you have around objectification and where their origin.  How have those beliefs helped or hindered your relationships?

The questions below address possible issues with your body and your lover’s body.

  1. In what healthy ways do you objectify your lover?
  2. When you look at your lover’s body, what do you see? What do you tell him or her about the effects his or her body has on you?
    In what healthy ways do you objectify yourself?
  3. How do you adorn and prepare yourself for sex?
  4. How much effort do you put into cultivating your consciousness and your appearance for yourself, and how much do you do it for your partner?

Is Volunteer Childlessness Becoming Commonly Accepted

Posted on by helpingsoul

Women with No Children by Race and Ethnicity Pew Research CenterMillennials are waiting longer to get married and start a family.  In the meantime, they are more educated than any other generation and making more conscious lifestyle decisions.  Cameron Diaz recent announcement opens the doorway for an important discussion on the implications of choosing to have children or not.

Diaz recently declared she is not having children

Cameron Diaz announced that she has decided not to have children.  It stirred a huge public debate regarding the issue and how her life is easier without children.  She claimed, “To have lives besides your own that you are responsible for — I didn’t take that on. A baby, that’s all day, every day for 18 years. Not having a baby might really make things easier, but that doesn’t make it an easy decision. I like protecting people, but I was never drawn to being a mother.”

Cultural norms redefining femininity

Diaz’s comments generated a lot of buzz around a bigger and very complex cultural question about how we view women, what their purpose is, and the larger issue of making a conscious choice whether to have children or not.  It is no longer the default and women like Cameron Diaz are not only giving us the opportunity to discuss the topic but be a role model for being confident in a choice of not having children.

Diaz says, “I think (the reaction) comes from people wanting to feel good about their own decisions. Just because I don’t have children now, they might look at their life and think, ‘Oh, you have a choice? I didn’t have to do this yet?’

It’s about choice and choosing happiness

The most important thing is being happy in the moment and in our choices.  According to a 2007 University of Michigan study, women’s happiness later in life is more correlated to being married or having a partner than whether or not she has children (Science Daily, 2007).

Society is evolving.  In 1988, sixty-one percent of Americans agreed with the notion that being childless is means an unhappy life. Times have changed.  In 2010, forty-one percent say childlessness implies you’re unfulfilled (Slate, 2010).

Testing those norms

Diaz isn’t setting the trend.  She is just one of the first to make a public declaration.  Decline in births have been steadily going down and are at the lowest in recorded American history.  From 2007 to 2011, birthrates have declined nine percent and have spawned across all racial and ethnic populations.  Today one in five American women remains childless versus one in ten in the 70s (Time Magazine, 2013).

Choosing personal femininity

Even though Diaz chose to speak out about her decision, it is a private choice.  In a culture where womanhood is defined by motherhood, Diaz is offering an opportunity to redefine womanhood in the modern world.  Women are often scolded by American culture for being childless as was Diaz.  There is more to femininity than paternity.   Just as women have a choice in deciding to have children or not, women have a choice in deciding how to define their femininity.

Choosing reasons to have or not have children

It is still expected to provide a good reason why not to have children.  On the other hand, it is not required to have a reason good or bad when having kids.  Upon the decision not to have children, it is automatically assumed, she is infertile, she must be lesbian, she is selfish, or she is too career-oriented.  Whatever the reasoning, an explanation is owed.

The rules change upon parents of a newborn.  They are not asked, “Why did you give birth” or “What were your reasons behind having a child?”   Double standards permeate the choice to procreate.  No thought or justification is needed for having children but there better be a good reason why you chose against birth (New York Times June 2012).

It is time for a discussion

People are changing societal norms.  Gen Y is of childbearing years but deciding not to have children at least for now.  Americans are becoming more educated, self aware, and consciously thinking about the pros and cons of lifestyle choices.  Either way a discussion is necessary.   It’s not a matter of right or wrong.  It’s a matter of being happy in our choices and in our lives.

I would love to hear from you.  What are your thoughts on childlessness?

5 Dating Tips for the Ladies But Applicable for All

Posted on by helpingsoul

Online Dating

Dating is exciting! Dating is frustrating! Dating gets us out of our comfort zone. It is thrilling to meet new people and experience novel restaurants, sights, and ideas. It is discouraging at times because there are more duds then studs. With practice and these tips in mind, your dating life may be short-lived. Commitment can be right around the corner.

Dating Tip 1: Ladies, don’t look for guys to ask what you want? Men just don’t do that. Women speak up. Learn assertive communication skills. Say want you want and mean what you say. Don’t wait until your patience runs thin and then you explode. Make a stance and say, “Hey, I’m feeling cooped-up and need some fresh air; let’s go for a hike, couples massage or walk on some hip street.” Whatever you want, say it loud and clear. It ain’t gonna happen unless you speak up!

Dating Tip 2: Does he continually talk without even taking a breath for air? Do you feel like you are in a monologue? You are right. He is in it for himself. You don’t matter. You probably feel invisible, and rightly so. There is no room for connection with someone who is talking on and on about themselves, their friends or whatever else you are NOT involved in. He is not emotionally available. GET OUT. You will lose all your esteem and trust. There is no room for you when you are dealing with someone so consumed with themselves.

Dating Tip 3: Test. Test your assertive skills. If he is talking in a monologue; say something. Try, “I think it’s great you are so excited about the opportunities you’ve had to see so many things, but I’m feeling a little neglected and not part of the conversation. It makes it hard to connect when you are talking so fast. There’s no room for me to interject. Do you think you could slow down and involve me in the conversation?” Test to see how he responds. Does he listen and acknowledge he went off on a tangent? If NOT, time to go!

Dating Tip 4: Does he continually talk about ex-girlfriends and what they did wrong? That’s a sign he is living in the past, not able to let go, and not take responsibility for his part in the relationship. A relationship involves two people and each person always plays a role. There is never just one person to blame. If you are being blamed or doing the blaming something is wrong. Stop the blaming and take personal responsibility. If you are taking the time to reflect, acknowledge your faults – even apologize, and if he’s not, get out—FAST!

Dating Tip 5: Does he listen and really hear you? How do you know? If you reveal something about yourself and the subject is quickly reverting back to him; HE’S NOT LISTENING! If you express your thoughts, and he bashed them, discourages you then HE IS ABUSIVE. If you say something about yourself and it is used against you later; HE IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY.

Dating is the perfect opportunity to learn about yourself, your triggers, and how you handle them. There is plenty of times to practice and improve skills that are challenging. Get out there and keep trying. The more you date, the greater the chance you will find the love of your life.

Healthy Relationship Habits: Communication

Posted on by helpingsoul

1.    Communicate daily.  Communicating daily ensure you are in tune to your partners latest interests, ideas, thoughts, and emotions which give greater opportunity for connection and intimacy.

2.    Learn to listen. By listening, you are able to summarize what your partner said and how they feel in about two sentences when they have completely stopped speaking.

3.    Check in.  Randomly inquiry about your partner.  Showing interest in unexpected way, shows you care, are curious, and want to included in your partner’s daily life whether mundane or not.

4.    “I” statements – I think, I feel, I prefer.  By taking ownership of your wants, needs, and emotions, your partner is less likely to become defensive.

5.     Express emotions.  Use specific feelings and actions that instilled the anger, hurt, sadness, joy, or happiness.

6.     Don’t blame. Take a moment to declare what your role may have been in the situation. No matter the situation, everyone involved played a part.  Taking responsibility for your function creates an atmosphere for safety and expression.

7.    Share, get to know each other, ask questions, be curious, and unleash childhood experiences, share pictures, memories, and stories.  Sharing small bits of you ensures safety and trust over time.

8.    Speak what is true to you. Stop, reflect for a moment, determine what is true for you in the situation and speak your truth kindly.  Identify a specific event or topic and use “When this happened, I feel/ felt, because I, and I (clarifying your requests, what you’d like to see in the future, actions you plan to take, and when, and what you will do to take care of yourself), and I appreciate.  Finish with kindness.

9.    Never go to bed angry!  Clear up the argument before hitting the sheets.  Come to a

Couple_sitting_outdoor_table_talking

compromise or determine a time and place to reconvene the discussion.  Make-up sex just may be the perfect way to move past an argument.

10.   Be Specific in your communication.  Discuss one topic at a time and don’t move on to the next until the first one is resolved.

11.   Remind your partner why you fell in love with them.  Describe specific things you love about them.

12.   Show appreciation for who they are and what they do.  Again be specific in sharing your appreciation. “I appreciate it when you….”

13.   No Yelling.  The louder you yell, the less the other person listens to you! Speak in a warm and loving tone calmly and respectfully and more likely your partner will listen.

14.   Use preferences – avoid demands. Ex: Instead of “You need to clean the scattered newspaper in the living room tonight” try “I feel anxious because the large stack of newspaper in the living room is distracting.  I would really appreciate it if you could find a secluded place to store the newspapers tonight.”

15.   Use eye contact. Think how it feels to be spoken to while someone is looking at you versus looking at the newspaper.

16.   Do not give unsolicited advice. When you know you partner is having a rough day, just listen and don’t try to solve their problem.  They are fully capable of solving their own issues.  A good listening ear may be all the help that is required.

Embrace Conflict as a Path to Deeper Connection

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Lori Hollander LCSW-C, BCD Relationships & Marriage

Conventional wisdom says that having conflict in a partnership is “bad.” Most couples perceive conflict or its lack as a measure of a relationship’s strength or weakness. The truth is that conflict in itself is not bad; in fact it is a necessary part of every relationship.

How could you truly be emotionally intimate with another person, live with them day in and day out, experience all the frustrations of life and not have conflict? If there is no conflict, one partner is not speaking up.

Conflict is not only vital to an authentic and genuine connection; it is the route to discovering your partner’s likes and dislikes, needs and desires. The process of exploring your differences and building consensus teaches you about your partner’s depth and character. Meeting conflict head on is the very path that bolsters connection; facing and embracing discord strengthens the bond between you and drives your relationship to a deeper, more intimate level.

In our practice, Alisa and Trey have come for their first Couple to Couple® coaching session with me and Bob:
Alisa: “You don’t make me a priority! Our marriage is the last thing on your list.”
Trey: “What do you mean? I work 70 hours a week to give you the lifestyle you have.”
Alisa: “You just don’t get it. It’s the little things that matter more to me. When was the last time you planned a date for us?”
Trey: “You only work part-time; why haven’t you planned a date?”

The dialogue between Alisa and Trey is a common example of how couples experience conflict; anger and blame underlie their exchange. Notice how often the word “you” is used in their short conversation: eight times to be exact. The word “I” is used only once.

In conflict couples’ use of “you” reflects each partner’s belief that the other is doing, saying or feeling something “wrong;” which naturally implies that the other person is “right.” Thus the “right – wrong” tug of war is born. In this mode of dialogue, anger escalates and each partner becomes more entrenched in his/her own position, making resolution even more elusive. Without attention, resentment, hostility and passive-aggressiveness grow in a dark and veiled fashion. The fate of the relationship will ultimately be decided by the way conflict is handled.

Unless parents model embracing conflict, we most likely will not learn conflict resolution skills growing up. When differences arise, we respond in the way nature has biologically wired us. Our fight or flight survival instinct, which kept us alive in cave man days, prompts us physiologically to respond to a threat by fighting off or fleeing the danger. When our partner comes at us with anger and blame, heart rate and blood pressure increase, adrenaline pumps, pupils dilate, hearing becomes more acute and blood flows away from our arms and legs and to our muscles so we can prepare to fight off the threat or run away from it as fast as we can.

Each of us has our predominant or typical way of responding, usually a result of the healthy or “not so healthy” lessons we learned and practiced throughout our lives.  Ask yourself, when conflict occurs do I typically get angry and fight, or do I withdraw and flee? Do I engage and move into the conflict or do I avoid and move away from the conflict “sweeping it under the rug?”

With couples, several outcomes result when two people engage.  If both you and your partner fight, there will be arguments that escalate. If you both avoid conflict, a standoff will occur resulting in a chasm that separates the two of you.  Since avoidance creates more avoidance, partners end up living parallel lives without much emotional intimacy. In a relationship where one person withdraws and the other one fights the result will be one partner angrily pursuing the other; or one withdrawing so much that the angry partner gets frustrated and gives up. None of these patterns are healthy.

Paradoxically what couples need most is a way to avoid, “avoiding conflict” or a healthy way to “fight.”  When you don’t avoid or get rapt in conflict and, instead, embrace your relationship “in trouble” as you would embrace a wounded child, you take the first step on a new and exciting path that will transform your partnership.  Taking on the conflict, averts the ensuing poison and prevents the potential crippling effects on each other’s self-esteem.

So how do couples resolve conflict? Here are the steps:
1)   Consciously acknowledge your fight or flight response when you become angry.
2)   Mutually agree to explore the disagreement in a respectful way.
3)   Take turns expressing thoughts and feelings, one at a time, without interrupting.
4)   Use “I” statements to avoid blame and own your feelings.
5)   Listen between the lines for understanding and meaning.
6)   Be “curious” about your partner’s point of view.
7)   Talk until you can “make your partner’s case” as well as your own.
8)   Remember the goal is not to figure out who is right or wrong, but to understand each other’s position.
9)   Then and only then, can you problem solve.

Ironically without the very conflict that tears at the fabric of our connection, you cannot achieve the deepest degree of intimacy. There is some truth to the old saying, “No pain, no gain.” Leveraging conflict stimulates the growth of you and your partner and, most importantly, of the third entity – the relationship itself.

As partners discover how to manage conflict, the vital connection begins to materialize.  A vision of you and your partner turning toward each other, rather than away, emerges no matter what the circumstances, bringing a sense of security and trust. You become strong in your belief that your partner would never intentionally hurt you, so when he/she does, you work on resolving the issue and forgiving, i.e. letting go of the anger.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
-Leo Tolstoy

Miraculously the two of you engage in actively embracing and resolving issues; being direct and honest with each other; disciplining yourselves to practice empathy; and taking care not to hurt the other, despite your individual differences. You and your partner will discover a new resilience, a new peace and an inner confidence knowing that no matter what arises, the two of you will work it through.

A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.
 -Ruth Bell Graham

In this newly created relationship, the two of you will feel bound in the healthiest aspects of a relationship waiting for you.  You begin to honor and respect your partner anew, and your commitment flourishes.  All seems secure in the relationship that you’re living – it is the dawn of a spiritual connection that you have consciously co-created.