How to Speak Clearly When Things Get Heated

Posted on by helpingsoul

 

A Practical Approach to Assertive Communication, Updated for What I Have Learned in the Years Since I First Wrote About This

A substantial revision of an earlier 2014 post titled 6 Tips to Improve Communication with Difficult People. The skills are largely the same. The framing has matured.

In 2014, I wrote a blog post called 6 Tips to Improve Communication with Difficult People. The skills in it were sound. The framing was a product of its moment, and there is one thing I would change before anything else.

The word difficult, in that title, located the problem entirely in the other person. The reader was the reasonable one. The other was the difficult one. This framing was popular in self-help writing of the era, and it has not aged well, for two reasons.

First, almost no one is purely difficult. The person who feels difficult to you is usually someone whose own nervous system is activated, whose own communication patterns developed in their own history, and who is responding to you according to dynamics that include both of you. Naming them as difficult flattens what is actually a co-created pattern.

Second, the framing implicitly excuses the reader from examining their own contribution. The communication you are struggling with is rarely produced by the other person alone. Your response patterns, your tone, your timing, your assumptions about what they meant — all of it is part of what is happening. Naming them as the difficult one closes off the more useful question, which is what would shift if you changed something about how you are showing up.

So this refresh begins with a different framing. The skills below are for any conversation that has become activated, whoever is producing the activation. The goal is not to learn to manage difficult people. The goal is to learn to communicate clearly when the conditions for clear communication have started to deteriorate — which can happen with anyone, including yourself.

Where assertive communication comes from

Most of us did not learn assertive communication in our families. We learned other things. We learned to suppress our own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace. We learned to manage other people’s emotional weather to keep ourselves safe. We learned to say yes when we meant no, to swallow what we needed to say in order to stay connected to someone we feared losing. We learned to be invisible when visibility had been costly.

These patterns were not failures of character. They were survival adaptations. The child who learned to suppress her own voice did so because her voice was unwelcome, mocked, criticized, or punished. The body that learned to swallow what it needed to say was protecting the relational connection that the child needed to survive. The adaptations made sense at the time. They worked. They kept the child safe.

As adults, the same adaptations cost us. The voice that learned to suppress itself in childhood continues to suppress itself in adult relationships that could actually receive it. The body that learned to swallow needed words continues to swallow them with the people who could actually hear them. The conditions have changed. The system has not yet updated.

Learning assertive communication as an adult is the work of updating the system. Slowly. With practice. With the recognition that the skill was suppressed for survival reasons and is being rebuilt now under different conditions. The skill is learnable. The work is real. And the relationships in your life that can survive your assertiveness will become stronger as you develop it. The ones that cannot will reveal what they actually were.

Regulate first

Before any technique, before any acronym, before any specific words you might use, the most important element of assertive communication is the state of your nervous system. Words spoken from activation almost always fail. The technical content of what you said may be perfect. The delivery, shaped by the activation in your body, will land as something different. Your face will signal something other than what your words say. Your tone will carry the urgency that came from the activation rather than the steadiness that effective communication requires. The other person, sensing the activation, will respond to that rather than to your content.

The single most important thing you can do before initiating an important conversation, or in the middle of a conversation that has begun to get heated, is to regulate. Not perfectly. Just enough.

If you can, take the conversation somewhere quieter. Walk away if necessary and return when you are calmer. There is no rule that important conversations have to happen in the moment of activation. Most are better when both parties are regulated.

If you cannot leave, take silence in the conversation itself. Three deep breaths, slow, with the exhale longer than the inhale. Four counts in, seven counts out, three cycles. About a minute of silence. Silence is allowed. It often produces a different conversation than the one that was about to happen.

Notice your own body. Is your chest tight? Your jaw clenched? Your breath shallow? These are signs the system has moved from social engagement into mobilization. From this state, the words you say will not land the way you want them to. Regulate first. Speak from steadier ground.

The skill itself — what I called PASARR in the original

With the regulation in place, here is the structure of an assertive exchange. The original post called this PASARR — Pause, Acknowledge the Truth, Stay True to Self, Ask for a Request, Repeat, Repair. The acronym still works as a memory aid. The content of each step is essentially the same now as it was then, with some refinement.

Pause

Before you respond to what was just said, take a moment. Notice your own reaction. Notice what wants to come out of your mouth. Notice whether what wants to come out is actually what you mean to say, or whether it is the reflexive defensiveness, justification, or compliance that your earlier conditioning trained you to produce.

The pause is short. Sometimes only a few seconds. But it is the space in which choice becomes possible. Without the pause, your response is automatic. With the pause, you can choose.

This is a learnable skill in its own right. People who have spent decades responding reflexively often need to practice the pause many times before it becomes natural. The early attempts feel awkward. The other person may notice the silence and ask if you are okay. You can say yes. You are just thinking before you speak. This is allowed.

Acknowledge what is true

If the other person has said something that contains accurate information, acknowledge it. This is not capitulation. It is not agreeing with the entirety of their position. It is acknowledging the specific kernel of truth in what they said.

If your partner says you have been distracted lately, and you have been distracted lately, do not deny it. Say yes, I have been distracted. Tell me more about what you have been noticing. This acknowledgment de-escalates the dynamic. It signals to the other person that you are not going to fight them on every point. It also clears space for the actual conversation, which is usually somewhere underneath the surface complaint.

If your boss says your work has been below standard, and you can identify one specific instance where this is true, name it. *You are right about the report I turned in last Tuesday. That was not my best work. The presentation I delivered on Thursday, on the other hand, was strong.* Specificity matters. Generalized criticism becomes more workable when met with specific acknowledgment of what is true and specific clarification of what is not.

If the other person has said nothing accurate, you do not have to invent something. But often there is something accurate in even the most charged communication. Finding it is part of the work.

Stay true to yourself

Use I statements. Not the cliched I-feel-when-you-do-this format that has become a parody of itself, but the genuine practice of speaking from your own experience rather than reporting on the other person’s behavior as if it were the only fact in the room.

Instead of *you never listen to me*, try *I have been feeling unheard in our conversations this week*. The difference is significant. The first is a global statement about the other person that they will resist. The second is a report from your own experience that the other person can engage with.

This is harder than it sounds, especially when the activation is high. The instinct in difficult conversation is to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. Learning to redirect that energy toward what you are actually experiencing is part of the practice.

Ask for what you want

After acknowledging what is true and speaking from your own experience, name what you would like to be different. Specifically. Concretely. In a way the other person can actually respond to.

*When you are late and do not call, I find myself worrying and getting angry. Would you be willing to text me if you are going to be more than ten minutes late?* That is a specific request that the other person can say yes or no to.

*You need to be more considerate* is not a request. It is a vague criticism. The other person cannot do anything specific with it. They will respond defensively because the statement does not give them a path to action.

Specific requests, made from a regulated state, with acknowledgment of what is true and speaking from your own experience, are the actual mechanism by which relationships shift over time.

Reflect and repeat

Ask the other person to share what they heard. Not as a test. As a way to ensure mutual understanding. *Can you tell me what you are hearing me say?* They will often paraphrase back something slightly different from what you meant. This is information. You can clarify. They can clarify what they meant when they said the thing that activated you. Over time, the gap between intent and impact narrows.

Repair

If the conversation has gotten heated, if either of you has said something that landed harder than intended, name it. *That came out sharper than I meant it. Let me try again.* Repair is one of the most powerful tools in any relationship. The capacity to recognize when something has gone off track and to gently bring it back is what distinguishes relationships that endure from relationships that gradually erode.

Repair does not require either of you to be the one entirely at fault. It just requires the willingness to attend to what is happening between you and to try again with more care.

A note on what makes this hard

Reading these steps, you may notice that none of them is complicated. The skills are simple. They are also profoundly difficult to do in the moments when they would help most.

This is because the moments when you would most need these skills are also the moments when your nervous system is most activated. The pause is harder when you are flooded. The acknowledgment of truth is harder when you feel attacked. The I statements are harder when the urge is to focus on what the other person is doing wrong. The request is harder when what you really want is to be understood without having to make a request.

This is the work. You practice the skills in low-stakes moments so that they are partially available in high-stakes moments. You catch yourself, sometimes after the fact, and reflect on what you might have done differently. You return to the practice. You get better, slowly, over years.

And in the meantime, you are not failing. You are practicing a skill that most of us were not taught and that takes most adults a long time to develop. Patience with yourself is part of the work.

Where to begin

Pick one upcoming conversation that you anticipate being difficult. Before it happens, rehearse what you want to say. Use the structure: pause, acknowledge what is true, speak from your own experience, ask for what you want.

Notice your own state before the conversation begins. If you are activated, take five minutes to regulate first. Walk. Breathe. Place your hand on your heart and your belly. Do not begin the conversation until your system is closer to baseline.

Have the conversation. Notice what worked. Notice what did not. Notice where the practice was easy and where you reverted to old patterns. None of this is failure. It is data.

Repeat with the next conversation. Each one builds capacity for the next. Over months and years, the skills become more available. The relationships that can hold your developing voice will deepen. The relationships that cannot will reveal themselves.

And the felt sense of speaking your truth, in a moment that requires it, from a regulated state, with care for the other person and care for yourself, is one of the most powerful experiences available to a person who has spent decades silencing themselves. It is worth the practice. It is worth the awkward early attempts. It is worth the patience the work requires.

In love and dignity, speak the truth — as we think, feel, and know it — and it shall set us free.

— Melody Beattie

Further reading: Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger. Brené Brown’s work on vulnerability and difficult conversations. For the companion piece on detachment with love, see The Art of Detachment with Love on courageous-arts.com.

April Wright, MA, LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California and Florida. She blogs about attachment, healing, and the courageous arts of becoming oneself at courageous-arts.com and sees clients at thecourageousself.com.

Meet Your Future Self: A Visualization for Better Decisions and Deeper Self-Knowledge

Posted on by helpingsoul

Research shows that people who feel connected to their future selves make better long-term choices. Here is a guided practice that helps build that connection.

When clients ask me how they can develop better self-knowledge, make wiser decisions, and find clearer direction in difficult periods of life, I often introduce them to a practice I have used for years in my work as a marriage and family therapist: the future-self visualization.

The practice is simple. You enter a guided imagery sequence in which you meet a wiser, older version of yourself and ask them what you most need to know. The wisdom that arises is your own — accessed through the structure of imagining your future self, which research suggests is one of the most reliable ways to bypass present-moment defensiveness and reach what you actually know underneath.

This is not magical thinking. It is a clinical practice grounded in psychological research on prospection and future-self continuity, and it produces real results when used consistently.

The research behind the practice

Daniel Gilbert, a Harvard psychologist who studies prospection — the human capacity to imagine future scenarios — has documented how powerfully our ability to imagine our future selves shapes our present-day decisions. His research with colleagues shows that the human mind is, in essence, a prospection machine, constantly generating possible futures and using them to guide current behavior.

Hal Hershfield, a UCLA psychologist, has extended this research specifically to how we relate to our own future selves. His studies, including work using fMRI brain imaging, show that many people experience their future selves almost as different people — strangers whose welfare feels less urgent than the welfare of their present-day selves. The neurological signature of thinking about your future self can resemble thinking about a stranger more than thinking about yourself.

This matters enormously. People who feel a stronger sense of connection to their future selves — what researchers call future-self continuity — make better long-term financial decisions, take better care of their health, and report greater life satisfaction. The future self is not an abstraction. It is the actual person who will live with the consequences of your current choices, and developing a felt sense of connection to that person changes how you treat them.

Visualization practices like the one below are one of the most accessible ways to build this connection. The guided imagery activates the same neural systems that ordinary self-perception uses, creating an experiential rather than purely cognitive sense of relationship with the person you are becoming.

Before you begin

Set aside fifteen to twenty uninterrupted minutes. Find a comfortable, quiet space. Have a notebook nearby for journaling afterward.

If you would like, record yourself reading the script below in your own voice, slowly, with pauses between sections. Many people find the practice more powerful when guided by recorded audio than when reading and visualizing simultaneously.

Approach the practice with openness rather than expectation. The first time you do this, you may not connect deeply with your future self. That is normal. The capacity develops with repetition. Many of my clients find that the third or fourth session produces a felt sense that the first one only hinted at.

The visualization

Sit comfortably. Place your feet flat on the ground. Ensure your torso is sitting upright and resting against the back your seat. Gently close your eyes. Take a few slow deep breaths through the nose, expanding the breath into the belly, and then slowly exhale through your mouth with a slightly longer exhale than each inhale. Repeat at least three times. With each inhale, breathe in peace and relaxation. With each exhale visualize all the tension, tightness and any discomfort in your body is set free.

Once you feel relaxed and fully present in your body, begin to imagine yourself standing at the entrance to a forest path. The forest is welcoming and safe. Sunlight filters through the leaves above you. The air is fresh and cool.

Begin to walk along the path. Notice the trees on either side of you, the soft, leaf covered ground beneath your feet, the sound of birds chirping in the distance, and the wind as it whistles the leaves of the trees. With each step, you feel more relaxed and more present.

Ahead of you in the distance, you see a bright light. As you walk toward it, you realize the path is leading you out of the forest into an open meadow. The meadow is filled with brightly colored flowers and tall green grasses moving gently in a soft breeze.

In the center of the meadow, you see a welcoming log cabin. Smoke rises gently from the chimney. The cabin feels warm, inviting, and somehow familiar.

You walk across the meadow toward the cabin. With each step, you feel a growing sense that you are arriving somewhere important. Somewhere that has been waiting for you.

You reach the door of the cabin and knock softly. The door opens. Standing in the doorway is your future self — a wiser, older version of you who has lived through the questions you are currently sitting with and arrived at a place of greater peace and self-knowledge.

Take a moment to notice this person. How do they look? How do they hold themselves? What do you sense in their presence? They smile at you with warmth and recognition. They have been waiting for you. They invite you in.

You step inside. The cabin is warm and softly lit. A fire is burning in a stone fireplace. Two comfortable chairs sit facing each other, and on a small table between them is a teapot and two cups of tea waiting.

Your future self gestures for you to sit. You do. They settle into the chair across from you. The fire crackles softly. The tea is warm in your hands. You begin to notice what the inside of the cabin looks like, pictures of family hanging on the walls, and perhaps or perhaps not any children or grandchildren running around. Notice any other details of interest.

Now is the time for your conversation. Take another deep breath through the nose and slowly exhale through the mouth. Allow yourself to fully relax and ask whatever you most need to ask.

What do you most need to know right now?

What is the wisdom they have gained that you do not yet have?

What is the next step they want you to take?

What is one thing they wish they had known when they were where you are now?

Listen for the answers. They may come as words, as images, as feelings, as a sudden knowing. Whatever form the answer takes, receive it. You do not need to evaluate it or argue with it. Just receive it.

If there is more you want to ask, ask. If there is something they want you to know that you did not think to ask, allow yourself to receive that too.

When you feel the conversation is complete, thank your future self. Notice how this person has been changed by the conversation as well. Notice that you can return here whenever you need to.

Slowly stand. Give your future self a long loving embrace. Walk to the door. Step out into the meadow. Walk back across the field of flowers and grasses. Re-enter the forest path. Walk back the way you came.

As you walk, notice that the wisdom you received is staying with you. It is not staying behind in the cabin. It is coming home with you.

Slowly bring your awareness back to the room. Feel your body in the chair. Feel your feet on the floor. Take a deep breath and slowly exhale. Wiggle your fingers and toes. And when you are ready, open your eyes.

After the visualization

Take out your notebook. Without editing or evaluating, write down everything you remember from the conversation. The questions. The answers. The images. The felt sense of being in the cabin. The presence of your future self.

Some of what comes will surprise you. Some of it will confirm what you already suspected but had not allowed yourself to fully acknowledge. Some of it will be confusing and will only make sense in the days that follow.

This is the wisdom from inside you, accessed through the structure of imagining a future you. The structure does the work that direct questioning often cannot — it creates the necessary distance from your immediate reactivity, allowing what you actually know to come forward.

Return to the practice when you face significant decisions, when you feel stuck, when you need direction, or simply as a regular part of your self-knowledge work. Write down any questions being presented pondered and bring them to your future self. With repetition, the relationship with your future self deepens. The cabin becomes more vivid. The conversation becomes more nuanced. The wisdom becomes more accessible.

Why this works

This practice combines several psychological mechanisms. The visualization reduces present-moment defensiveness by creating temporal distance — you are not asking yourself for advice, you are asking someone else (your future self) who happens to share your circumstances. The setting of the forest, meadow, and cabin engages parasympathetic nervous system regulation, putting your body in a receptive rather than activated state. The relational structure of the encounter — knocking, being welcomed, sitting together by the fire — taps the same systems that govern ordinary trusted relationships, allowing you to receive guidance from a position of safety rather than evaluation.

Most importantly, the practice strengthens future-self continuity. Each session builds the felt sense that the person you are becoming is real, present, and worth caring about. That felt sense, accumulated over time, changes how you treat your future self in your everyday choices — and the everyday choices, in turn, become the path that leads you to the version of yourself you have been visiting.

The future self in the cabin is not separate from you. They are the version of you that becomes possible when you take seriously the wisdom you already carry and act on it. The visualization is not the only way to reach them. It is, however, one of the most reliable.

Try it once. Try it again. Trust what comes.

About the author: April Wright, MA, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California and Florida specializing in EMDR, sex therapy, and couples counseling. She trained in sex and couples therapy at AACAST at UCLA. Her holistic, trauma-informed approach integrates somatic awareness, mindfulness, and creative practices. http://www.thecourageousself.com

How To Overcome Fear

Posted on by helpingsoul

We all have worries and fears. They can easily disempower us and keep us stuck. I’ve seen it in myself and with others.  Falling into the trap of worry and fear doesn’t have to be the default.

Here is an example of how I worked through some of the fears with, Susan, a pseudo name of a person who came to me to free blocks that were preventing her success.

Susan began the session sharing worries, doubts, and uncertainties in her business model.  She even discounted her abilities. She said, “I am excited about my vision.  I know it’s a good business model.  I just have such a long way to go before it will come to fruition. It’s so overwhelming and keeps me stuck. How can I keep sane and make it to the finish line?”

I empathically replied, “One small step at a time. Look at what you have already accomplished. You have written the blueprint and have an outline to follow. Most people don’t even have the courage to take the time to think of a concept out of their normal routine job, let alone write the procedures. Give yourself credit and recognition of how far you’ve come.”

“True, true. But it still feels so overwhelming,” Susan responded.

It is overwhelming when you think of the overarching picture. It’s easy to think of where we want to be and not acknowledge how far we’ve come. Self-criticism and judgment is NOT helping the matter now.

Stay in the Present Moment

The present is all you know and can control. Acknowledge the past accomplishments, give praise where praise is deserved and then ask yourself, what can be done now?

Thinking into the future, brings worry. The future can feel like light years away. Forward thinking is daunting and overwhelming. It does nothing but stop you in your tracks. And that certainly isn’t moving forward at all.

Learn from the Past

You can reflect on the past, think about other goals you’ve tried and didn’t succeed. There might be some belief you’ve developed that’s keeping you stuck. Could it be something from my childhood? Was there a time in your past where you worked hard and circumstances unexpectedly took them away?

Susan began a story about a time when she was thirteen. “I was so excited for the upcoming dance recital scheduled for the end of the season. I had prepared for months going to dance class religiously. I consistently did my chores, saved my weekly allowance and bought my uniform. I hung it proudly in my closet anticipating the big day. And then bam, it was taken away. I got into trouble hanging around the wrong crowd and my punishment was I could not go to the dance recital. It tore me apart.”

Susan, that must have been so disappointing to work so hard, to feel so proud, and then have it shattered. I can imagine that hurt and disappointment and betrayal can feel like it may at any moment come back. But what is different now versus being that thirteen-year-old little girl?

Susan thought for a moment, “I am an adult and nothing is going to be taken away because I have no one to answer to but myself. I am the only one stopping me now. “

Yes! As a little girl you have no control over how your parents respond, but you are not living under their roof anymore. You are not dependent upon them for your survival. You are taking care of yourself now. You have worked hard, are able to pay your mortgage, buy your own food, and live comfortably with friends and others that support you. Many changes have taken place.

Susan was able to shed some light on her beliefs and move to a new perspective in a loving manner and as a grown, mature woman.

Worry and anxiety comes from a place focusing on the past or the future. The solution is the present. Concentrating on the past hinders what can be done in the present. To get unstuck it is important to focus on the present. What can be done now?

Unfold the Full Truth

Acknowledge what is going on right now. Name the fears and then assess each one. The truth of the matter is that you are fearful of possibilities of the future. Perhaps failure, even success, looking like a fool, or that no one desires what you have to offer.

Those are all possibilities. But what other possibilities exist? You can handle any disappointments and learn from them. Obstacles are pieces of information on how to improve.

Success can be controlled. If you are so successful, you can back off and regulate what makes you feel comfortable.

You may look like a fool to yourself, but I bet some people find your vulnerability courageous. It takes great bravery to expose your endeavor.  You have worked on your project for a long and hard time.

Lastly, if you desire what you have to offer, what makes you think you are the only one? You made a big leap and gathered some friends who were willing to do a practice run. You received invaluable feedback.  Acknowledge the courage it has taken to achieve the progress you have made.

Worry, fear, and despair will never disappear but it is those that learn to acknowledge the fear and move into it that succeed. You can’t thrive unless you try. Reflect upon your past, learn from it, and then use positive self talk to encourage your progress.

When worry and fear overwhelms, stay present and unfold the whole picture.  Anxiety may seem to cloud other emotions but next to anxiety is excitement. Find the excitement within your stress and you can then move forward. Anxiety likes negativity. The overall picture is never one-sided. Find the positive to counter the negative.

10 Ways to Get Things Done

Posted on by helpingsoul

“An optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” – Winston Churchill

“If you think you can, you can.  If you think you think you can’t, you’re right.”  – George Bernard Shaw

“The future belongs to the common man with uncommon determination.” – Baba Amte

“Practice is the best of all instructions.”  – Publilius Syrus

achievementIt’s another year gone by.  Bloggers, editors, and writers are scripting about resolutions, goals, and fresh starts.  Each New Year seems to bring a surge of renewed energy to make this year the best year yet.  Yet come February/ March that enthusiasm fades.  Why?  What is it about the New Year that brings a desire for change but then it quickly dwindles?

Change is hard.  Breaking old habits takes a consistent effort.  Casting your magic wand doesn’t just make it so.  It takes action, accountability, dedication, repeat and do it again.  Research supports it takes at least 21 days, some say 8 weeks to replace a bad habit.  It really depends.  It depends on the new habit, how long you have been doing it, the benefits of continuing, the immediacy of the payoff, and how often and automatically you perform the behavior.

To break the cycle, it is imperative to be conscientious of your thoughts and behaviors around the routine you desire to alter.   It takes consistent modifications every minute, hour and day.  For how long, well depends. Just repeat the desired change.

Wow! That seems overwhelming, huh.  It doesn’t have to be. Write.  Put your desired behavior modification on paper.  Post your desires on a visible spot that you see daily like your refrigerator, bathroom mirror, or front door.

Take some time (as much as you need) and reflect on the past year.  Look at what you achieved, what you learned, gained, and liked.  Review what you didn’t accomplish.  What were the blocks that prevented you from achieving those marks?  What do you need to make them happen in 2014?   Now write this down and keep it in a safe place to review often.

The answers to the questions above help you analyze past behavior, learn from successes and failures, and make fresh intentions.  The best way to accomplish this thorough investigation of your life is to break it down into professional, relational, body, and spiritual goals.  Again, write your thoughts down!

Next set small goals with specific due dates.  Break down those big ideas, dreams, and aspirations into tiny, manageable, and achievable goals.  Ensure they are realistic.  You don’t want to set yourself up for failure before you even start.

Find support.  Join a team or involve friends and family.  Tell them your aspirations, the due date, and ask them to follow-up and inquire upon your progress.  Involving others ensures accountability, support, and friendly reminders.

Here is a list of 10 Ways to Make Ideas Happen:

1. Remove the words “I can’t” from your vocabulary.

2. Focus on the possibilities instead of the limitations.

3. Remember that there is a solution for every problem (some are just harder to find than others).

4. Write it down and set a deadline.

5. Allow yourself to receive help (there is no reward for doing it all yourself).

6. Be open to feedback and suggestions.

7. Learn how to enjoy the process (it may take you a while to get there, so you might as well enjoy it)!

8. Reward yourself often.  Be proud of even the tiniest steps of progress.

9. Hang around with people who make their ideas happens.

10. Start even if you don’t know how you are going to finish.

11. REPEAT.

Encouraging Words to Live By

Posted on by helpingsoul

I CHOOSE…

pavementto live by choice not by chance;
to make changes, not excuses;
to be motivated, not manipulated;
to be useful, not to be used;
to excel , not to compete.
I choose self-esteem, not pity.
I choose to listen to my inner
Voice, not to the random opinion of
others.

Meditation

Posted on by helpingsoul

what-is-meditationMeditation is concentration of the mind on one or more things, in order to aid mental or spiritual development, contemplation, or relaxation (Encarta Dictionary: English (North America, 2012).

The benefit of meditation is profound. Meditation can significantly decrease blood pressure and muscle tension (Amen, D. 1998). It can increase flexibility, creativity, focus, and attention span (Colzato, L. S., Ozturk, A. & Hommel, B., 2012).

There are several types of meditation with each providing different benefits. The first is Focused Attention (FA) meditation. It is thought regulation, monitoring, and focus of attention on a chosen object. An example of FA mediation is the sensation of one’s own breathing, at the expense of all other internal and external sensations. This type of mediation helps improve the ability to focus and retain concentration.

The steps to FA are focus, breathe, relax, and count.

1. Focus on one spot, object, or sensation.
2. Breathe slowly and deeply.
3. Relax and progressively release muscle tension.
4. Count from 1 to 10 and then 10 to 1 as you continue your attention on your breathe, good thoughts coming in, bad thoughts exiting out, and relaxing your muscles.

For a detailed example of FA mediation exercise read, “Self-Soothing, A Technique for Coping During Times of Stress and Anxiety.” It takes less than ten minutes to complete.

Open Monitoring (OM) meditation is mind-wandering. It is opening your mind to all emerging thoughts, feelings, and sensations. This type of meditation allows for all internal and external sensations to be experienced with the same openness, without focusing on specific objects or sensations. After practicing OM mediation the mind is more free and flexible to access new ideas. Recent studies show that it can actually benefit your thinking and creativity. You can make better plans for yourself and solve problems with increased diversity and creativity. So letting your mind drift far and wide isn’t bad for our daily performance, in fact it can actually enhance our lives (Mooneyham, B. W., & Schooler, J. W., 2013).

Visual Imagery is creating a relaxing experience during a stressful event or visualizing details of successfully maneuvering through a race or athletic event, or imagining presenting confidently in front of a large audience. For example, if you have a fear of riding in an elevator. You can free yourself of the anxiety by exposing yourself slowly and using your imagination to experience a calming and relaxing place. It can be the beach, the mountains, or any haven that brings you a sense of serenity. When creating your safe haven, imagine it with all your senses. For instance, create an imagery and sensation of the sand between your bare toes, the smell of the salty, warm air, taste the salt on your tongue, hear the children play, watch the waves crash along the shore, and sand castles playfully being built.

Visualization is helpful for competitive athletes, creating, clear career goals, or resolving stressful situations. Set your goal, create a clear idea or image, focus on the event daily, and affirm it with positive thoughts.

Using all three types of meditation can be extremely useful in many aspects of your life. I would love to hear how you use mediation in your life.

Sources

Amen, Daniel, M.D. (1998). Change Your Brain Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness. Three Rivers Press. New York, New York.

Colzato, L. S., Ozturk, A. and Hommel, B. (2012). Meditate to create: the impact of focused-attention and open-monitoring training on convergent and divergent thinking. Frontiers in Psychology 3:116. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2012.00116

Gawain, Shakti (2002). Creative Visualization: Use the Power of Your Imagination to Create What You Want in Your Life. Nataraj Publishing. Novato, California.

Mooneyham, B. W., & Schooler, J. W. (2013). The costs and benefits of mind-wandering: A review. Canadian Journal Of Experimental Psychology/Revue Canadienne De Psychologie Expérimentale, 67(1), 11-18. doi:10.1037/a0031569

How to Turn Work into Joy

Posted on by helpingsoul

pathTOparadiseThis article written by Bruce Kasanoff of Now Possible, LLC. provides a good explanation how fear can prevent us from going after the life we seek.  He gives clear mental and physical steps to push fear aside and let that encouraging voice come through. First is to be aware of that inner critic and then provide positive reinforcement to encourage change and small actions toward your dreams.  I hope you find the article useful and informative to conquer your fears and start making those changes toward living the life you have always imagined.

We are standing on the edge of a mountain in Utah, and the slope below is frighteningly steep. Under normal conditions, it would too steep for my son and I to ski.

But the night before it snowed 22″, altering our relationship with the laws of physics. We know the powder will slow our speed, so we point straight down and push-off. It’s not scary, it’s magical… we are floating, seemingly flying down the mountain.

You can’t experience this sort of exhilaration at work, or can you?

The thing is, I still remember, long ago, when skiing scared me. I remember countless times when fear caused me to tighten up, to be over-cautious, or to hustle for the safety of the lodge. Skiing reminds me that the path to the high points in life often requires overcoming fear.

Much as I love public speaking, I still get nervous before a big speech. No, nervous isn’t the right word. Scared is. This fear is what motivates me to rewrite the speech five times, and to practice until it’s just right. And, yes, I get the same sense of exhilaration during a speech as when floating down a mountain.

The secret to finding this sort of joy is to create goals so bold they scare you. It’s to dream so big that at first you dare not share your dreams with others, for fear of embarrassing yourself. “You want to be the CEO?” your friend might question, “You’re only three weeks into being a product manager.”

But as you pursue your dreams, and face down your fears, something magical happens. Your dreams start to become realistic. You can say them out loud, and others don’t laugh.

As you develop the habit of dreaming big and chipping away at fear, you expand what’s possible in your life. You start to understand the difference between impossible and difficult.

When I stand on a mountain at 10,000 feet, my brain often sends me two messages. The first is: stop, it’s too steep! The second is: nonsense, you can ski this safely. The first message never completely goes away, I just move it to the back of my mind.

This is what we have to do to turn work into joy… at the right times, we have to stand on a mountain so high it scares us, and then we have to move fear out-of-the-way.

If you’re bored by work, or frustrated in your career, perhaps you need to take on a bigger mountain. Often times, boredom is your brain screaming an important message: you are capable of greater things, aim higher.

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Bruce Kasanoff is the founder of the personal branding agency, Now Possible. He is the co-author of Smart Customers, Stupid Companies, with co-author Michael Hinshaw.

Now is the Time to Do

Posted on by helpingsoul

By Richard Branson
When posting recently about the importance of making lists and resolutions, there was an overwhelming response from people keen to reach their goals in 2013. It’s great to see such enthusiasm – and practical planning – for making positive changes from people all over the world.

Planning is extremely important, for any adventure in or out of business. But even more crucial is the will to simply get out there and do something new. A couple of thoughts have caught my attention this week about creating original ideas.

Dr Muhammad Yunus, founder of the wonderful Grameen Bank in Bangladesh, said: “All human beings are born as entrepreneurs. But unfortunately, many of us never had the opportunity to unwrap that part of our life, so it remains hidden.”

He touches upon the potential within us all to bring new ideas to life. For those of us fortunate enough to have the chance to see their dreams come to life, it is foolish to waste our opportunities.

Another perceptive point comes from Seth Godin. On his blog, he wrote about the challenges of initiating any project. “Not enough people believe they are capable of productive initiative.

“I don’t think the shortage of artists has much to do with the innate ability to create or initiate. I think it has to do with believing that it’s possible and acceptable for you to do it.”

As Mr Godin suggests, it is absolutely possible for you to create, to take chances, to allow your ideas to flourish if you have enough self-confidence. While he is referring to artists, the same applies for the art of business.

Now is the time to do doesn’t just apply to starting businesses. it applies to relationships, to fitness, to all aspects of your life.

Nobody else is going to start your business for you. 2013 is the time to put your ideas into action. Now is the time to do.