How To Overcome Fear

Posted on by helpingsoul

We all have worries and fears. They can easily disempower us and keep us stuck. I’ve seen it in myself and with others.  Falling into the trap of worry and fear doesn’t have to be the default.

Here is an example of how I worked through some of the fears with, Susan, a pseudo name of a person who came to me to free blocks that were preventing her success.

Susan began the session sharing worries, doubts, and uncertainties in her business model.  She even discounted her abilities. She said, “I am excited about my vision.  I know it’s a good business model.  I just have such a long way to go before it will come to fruition. It’s so overwhelming and keeps me stuck. How can I keep sane and make it to the finish line?”

I empathically replied, “One small step at a time. Look at what you have already accomplished. You have written the blueprint and have an outline to follow. Most people don’t even have the courage to take the time to think of a concept out of their normal routine job, let alone write the procedures. Give yourself credit and recognition of how far you’ve come.”

“True, true. But it still feels so overwhelming,” Susan responded.

It is overwhelming when you think of the overarching picture. It’s easy to think of where we want to be and not acknowledge how far we’ve come. Self-criticism and judgment is NOT helping the matter now.

Stay in the Present Moment

The present is all you know and can control. Acknowledge the past accomplishments, give praise where praise is deserved and then ask yourself, what can be done now?

Thinking into the future, brings worry. The future can feel like light years away. Forward thinking is daunting and overwhelming. It does nothing but stop you in your tracks. And that certainly isn’t moving forward at all.

Learn from the Past

You can reflect on the past, think about other goals you’ve tried and didn’t succeed. There might be some belief you’ve developed that’s keeping you stuck. Could it be something from my childhood? Was there a time in your past where you worked hard and circumstances unexpectedly took them away?

Susan began a story about a time when she was thirteen. “I was so excited for the upcoming dance recital scheduled for the end of the season. I had prepared for months going to dance class religiously. I consistently did my chores, saved my weekly allowance and bought my uniform. I hung it proudly in my closet anticipating the big day. And then bam, it was taken away. I got into trouble hanging around the wrong crowd and my punishment was I could not go to the dance recital. It tore me apart.”

Susan, that must have been so disappointing to work so hard, to feel so proud, and then have it shattered. I can imagine that hurt and disappointment and betrayal can feel like it may at any moment come back. But what is different now versus being that thirteen-year-old little girl?

Susan thought for a moment, “I am an adult and nothing is going to be taken away because I have no one to answer to but myself. I am the only one stopping me now. “

Yes! As a little girl you have no control over how your parents respond, but you are not living under their roof anymore. You are not dependent upon them for your survival. You are taking care of yourself now. You have worked hard, are able to pay your mortgage, buy your own food, and live comfortably with friends and others that support you. Many changes have taken place.

Susan was able to shed some light on her beliefs and move to a new perspective in a loving manner and as a grown, mature woman.

Worry and anxiety comes from a place focusing on the past or the future. The solution is the present. Concentrating on the past hinders what can be done in the present. To get unstuck it is important to focus on the present. What can be done now?

Unfold the Full Truth

Acknowledge what is going on right now. Name the fears and then assess each one. The truth of the matter is that you are fearful of possibilities of the future. Perhaps failure, even success, looking like a fool, or that no one desires what you have to offer.

Those are all possibilities. But what other possibilities exist? You can handle any disappointments and learn from them. Obstacles are pieces of information on how to improve.

Success can be controlled. If you are so successful, you can back off and regulate what makes you feel comfortable.

You may look like a fool to yourself, but I bet some people find your vulnerability courageous. It takes great bravery to expose your endeavor.  You have worked on your project for a long and hard time.

Lastly, if you desire what you have to offer, what makes you think you are the only one? You made a big leap and gathered some friends who were willing to do a practice run. You received invaluable feedback.  Acknowledge the courage it has taken to achieve the progress you have made.

Worry, fear, and despair will never disappear but it is those that learn to acknowledge the fear and move into it that succeed. You can’t thrive unless you try. Reflect upon your past, learn from it, and then use positive self talk to encourage your progress.

When worry and fear overwhelms, stay present and unfold the whole picture.  Anxiety may seem to cloud other emotions but next to anxiety is excitement. Find the excitement within your stress and you can then move forward. Anxiety likes negativity. The overall picture is never one-sided. Find the positive to counter the negative.

Forgiveness – A Crucial Component of Step 9 in the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

Posted on by helpingsoul

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.Forgiveness is a process and a choice.  It is the opportunity to untie the bindings of your pain from the past.   As part of the course of action, forgiveness involves confronting your fears and compassion to allow yourself time to physically and emotionally heal.  Exposing yourself to persons, surroundings, or objects that you fear offers the opening to have a corrective experience.  You are able to reorganize your memories and repair those recollections.

For example, as a child you may have experienced being attacked by a Rottweiler.  You were not physically hurt but the immediate threat startled you.  As a result you froze.  This is a natural fear response.   The terror was never discussed by your family or friends.  Thus the thoughts and emotions were not processed and disorganized memories formed.  Avoiding the discussion of the incident caused your fears to worsen.  Unprocessed feelings transform to generalized fears and all or nothing thinking.  Consequently you became fearful of all dogs and avoidant of the neighborhood where the attack occurred.

By exposing yourself to another Rottweiler that doesn’t attack gives the opportunity for a remedial and healing experience.  Difficult memories are allowed to surface.  The thoughts and emotions that were once suppressed can now be processed.   Processing gives way to reorganizing your memories.  You learn that not all Rottweilers show aggression.  You broaden your capacity for more knowledge and understanding.  All Rottweilers don’t attack.  There are some aggressive dogs and others that are very loving.  Black and white thinking transforms to accepting that Rottweillers and all animals have trustworthy and safe parts and some that are not.  For example, a cat that was once abused as a kitten associates touch as a threat.  Thus when you pet him, he bites.  As long as you don’t pet the cat, he is kind and playful.  Animals and experiences are complex and make up many parts not just good or bad.

The same is true for people.  Most parents, loved ones, and friends do not intentionally try to hurt you.  The hurtful behavior that was endeared was taught and passed down from their parents.  As a child, you have no choice but to tolerate the emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.  You are completely dependent upon your caretakers for safety and protection in whatever capacity they can.  Thus you learn to protect yourself, suppress your emotions, and tolerate abuse.  The abuse continues until you learn that as an adult you have a choice on what to tolerate.  You can now tune into your emotions and express them in a healthy manner.  As an adult you can courageously choose and confront those in your cycle of abuse.  You can choose to forgive.

The persons on your list from Step four are participants of the cycle of abuse.   By respectfully approaching those on your list, you may be able to have an open discussion, grasp a better understanding from their perspective, explain yours, and possibly heal old wounds.  All participants must be willing to have an open mind and to listen and speak compassionately from the heart.  It is possible to heal hurt with positive, respectful dialogue.  As you both come to a new understanding, unresolved emotions are replaced with restored, transformative memories to a place of forgiveness and healing.

How to Turn Work into Joy

Posted on by helpingsoul

pathTOparadiseThis article written by Bruce Kasanoff of Now Possible, LLC. provides a good explanation how fear can prevent us from going after the life we seek.  He gives clear mental and physical steps to push fear aside and let that encouraging voice come through. First is to be aware of that inner critic and then provide positive reinforcement to encourage change and small actions toward your dreams.  I hope you find the article useful and informative to conquer your fears and start making those changes toward living the life you have always imagined.

We are standing on the edge of a mountain in Utah, and the slope below is frighteningly steep. Under normal conditions, it would too steep for my son and I to ski.

But the night before it snowed 22″, altering our relationship with the laws of physics. We know the powder will slow our speed, so we point straight down and push-off. It’s not scary, it’s magical… we are floating, seemingly flying down the mountain.

You can’t experience this sort of exhilaration at work, or can you?

The thing is, I still remember, long ago, when skiing scared me. I remember countless times when fear caused me to tighten up, to be over-cautious, or to hustle for the safety of the lodge. Skiing reminds me that the path to the high points in life often requires overcoming fear.

Much as I love public speaking, I still get nervous before a big speech. No, nervous isn’t the right word. Scared is. This fear is what motivates me to rewrite the speech five times, and to practice until it’s just right. And, yes, I get the same sense of exhilaration during a speech as when floating down a mountain.

The secret to finding this sort of joy is to create goals so bold they scare you. It’s to dream so big that at first you dare not share your dreams with others, for fear of embarrassing yourself. “You want to be the CEO?” your friend might question, “You’re only three weeks into being a product manager.”

But as you pursue your dreams, and face down your fears, something magical happens. Your dreams start to become realistic. You can say them out loud, and others don’t laugh.

As you develop the habit of dreaming big and chipping away at fear, you expand what’s possible in your life. You start to understand the difference between impossible and difficult.

When I stand on a mountain at 10,000 feet, my brain often sends me two messages. The first is: stop, it’s too steep! The second is: nonsense, you can ski this safely. The first message never completely goes away, I just move it to the back of my mind.

This is what we have to do to turn work into joy… at the right times, we have to stand on a mountain so high it scares us, and then we have to move fear out-of-the-way.

If you’re bored by work, or frustrated in your career, perhaps you need to take on a bigger mountain. Often times, boredom is your brain screaming an important message: you are capable of greater things, aim higher.

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Bruce Kasanoff is the founder of the personal branding agency, Now Possible. He is the co-author of Smart Customers, Stupid Companies, with co-author Michael Hinshaw.