Brain’s Wiring Revealed in HD

Posted on by helpingsoul
By Thomas Insel on March 30, 2012
In the years after Francis Crick and James Watson described the double helical structure of DNA, both men became interested in the brain. While Watson searched for the genetics of schizophrenia, Crick became intrigued by consciousness and brain structure. In contrast to genetics, their adopted field of neuroscience proved far more challenging.
In 1993, Crick and his colleague Ted Jones wrote of their frustration in an essay for Nature entitled “The Backwardness of Human Neuroanatomy.” They noted that the rodent brain and monkey brain had been mapped, but “it is intolerable that we do not have this information for the human brain. Without it there is little hope of understanding how our brains work except in the crudest way.”What a shame that neither Crick nor Jones lived to see the paper by Wedeen and colleagues in the current issue of Science – and the striking images coming from the new “Connectom” scanner!
For the first time, we are seeing the connections of the human brain with the kind of detail and breadth that have been sorely lacking. The connectome, as this wiring diagram is called, provides a roadmap of the human brain. To be sure, there are few surprises in this new report – post-mortem studies of the human brain gave us most of the major pathways a century ago. What is new is a technology that will allow studies of the living, developing, adapting brain. And, importantly, the connectome will be based on lots of different brains. Just as the genome project taught us about the unexpected variation in human genetic sequence, the connectome project promises to reveal individual differences in brain wiring that may be markers for vulnerability or resilience for mental disorders.
While the pictures of the connectome are exciting, it is still only a roadmap, helpful for knowing where the freeways and side roads are, but not a reflection of the points of interest or inhabitants. A deep understanding of a city requires knowing who lives in the various neighborhoods and how people live in these neighborhoods.
A functional connectome, a map that shows which brain neighborhoods are linked and what the various areas do, is being completed with functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), a technique that describes how brain areas are synchronized and which circuits are critical for perception, motor control, and emotion.
The next challenge will be putting these various maps together. Will the functional connections align with the wiring diagram? Will there be meaningful differences between individuals? Will individual differences in brain align with individual differences in mind? All of these questions can now be addressed with these new powerful approaches.
For the past decade we at NIMH have been saying that mental disorders can be addressed as brain disorders. The connectome gives us a new tool for studying mental disorders, one that may be as transformative as the EKG for heart disease and PET scans for cancer.But we also need to manage expectations.
As Watson and Crick discovered, the human brain has a complexity that is humbling even for the most intrepid and accomplished scientist. As Watson said in his book about the brain (Discovering the Brain), “The brain is the last and grandest biological frontier, the most complex thing we have yet discovered in the universe. It contains hundreds of billions of cells interlinked through trillions of connections. The brain boggles the mind.

Curvature in this diffusion spectrum image of a whole human brain turns out to be folding of 2D sheets of parallel neuronal fibers that cross paths at right angles, say researchers. This picture came from the Connectom scanner, a new tool of the Human Connectome Project.
Source: Van Wedeen, M.D., Martinos Center and Dept. of Radiology, Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard University Medical School
Reference Wedeen VJ, Rosene DL, Ruopeng W, Guangping D, Mortazavi F, Hagmann P, Kass JH, Tseng W-YI. The Geometric Structure of the Brain Fiber Pathways: A Continuous Orthogonal Grid. March 30, 2012 Science.
Learn more about: Imaging. View all posts about: Imaging. via nimh.nih.gov

It’s THAT Generation, They Have Such a Sense of Entitlement

Posted on by helpingsoul

“My son brings his laundry over.  It’s like five loads.  I don’t have time to do that, so I take it over to the dry cleaning.”  “Wow” I say… as I am thinking, why doesn’t she just make him do his own laundry?  And then she said, “Yeah, it’s that sense of entitlement in that generation.”  I agreed, but I also thought she is contributing to that attitude by enabling his behavior to continue.  It seems so easy to blame without looking how we are causative to the circumstances.

Don’t get me wrong.  She is an absolutely lovely woman; sweet, considerate, and laughed about the whole situation as we talked in the community laundry room.  She knows deep down the true essence of what is happening with the dynamics between her and her son, but it stems from her generation where her parents were busy working, emotionally unavailable, and required her to do chores as part of the household.   I know because I am from the same generation.

My parents worked hard, struggled financially, and disciplined me to clean the house for $5.00 a week.  It instilled values of working for my money, saving, and respect.  However I was so obedient in my efforts because I longed and hoped of receiving more of their time, attention, and love.  I was a pleaser, an enabler, looking for my emotionally lost parental figures.

This pleasing behavior in hopes of fulfilling a void from my generation and the woman who does her 20-something son’s weekly laundry  has created the same entitled generation we so quickly complain about.  It is not only our fault, but our parents fault, and the current generations fault.  It is trans-generational neglect, abuse, and constant seeking for approval from others in hopes of fulfilling personal voids.  These are the unconscious drives that aren’t being talked about.  The unpleasing behavior and consequences are discussed, but not the underlying thoughts and feelings.

How do we stop this trans-generational abuse you ask?  Well there are several avenues to take.  One is seeking therapy with someone whom you trust and formed a close alliance with, another is journaling, support groups, and meditation and spiritual gatherings.   Through one or more of these approaches, you can learn to love and care about others without hurting yourself, live without guilt or resentment, allow other people to solve their own problems, and live without the entanglement of obsessions and excessive worry.

To understand what exactly an enabler is, I will explain in the upcoming paragraphs.  It is a person who appears powerless but seems to be controlling.  It is a super responsible martyr.  It is the woman who appears powerless over her son’s command of her to do his laundry even though she has a choice.  Inside she is angry as she takes responsibility for everyone else’s actions but not her own.

I do it myself.  I blame my parents for not reaching out to me but I can just as easily pick up the phone or send an email as they can.  It brings feelings of importance and that I matter; the woman who does her son’s laundry is needed and self-righteous as she “jokingly” complains.

Without help, enablers unconsciously and harmfully facilitate codependent relationships.  Codependency is an addiction to someone else’s problems.  It is a painful pattern of dependency on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity.

Common traits of a codependent personality are preoccupation of another’s problems and verification of self-worth on others. Persons who are codependent have a soulful desire to be needed, flourish on pleasing others, lose their sense of self, have low self-esteem, and fear abandonment.

To understand what preoccupation of another’s problems is, look at your own thinking patterns.  How much time and energy are you taking out of your day to “fix” a loved one?  Do you thrive in crisis situations?  Do you rush in to fix other people’s problems?  Do you feel drained and complain that others are driving you crazy yet don’t do anything to change the situation?  If you said “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To understand what a soulful desire is to be needed looks like, look at your childhood history.  Did you not get your needs met as a child?  Did you settle for being needed instead of being loved for who you are?  Do you tend to fall in love with people you can rescue?  Do you feel purposeless and meaningless in the relationship and life?  Do you not allow the sick or rescued individual to love you?  Do you not feel unlovable?  Again, if you answered “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To recognize the behavior associated with the passion to please others, ask yourself; is my primary goal in a relationship to make someone else happy to the point of self-sacrifice?  Do you have difficulty saying, “No”?  Do you neglect your basic needs for love, friendship, and support from others? Do you have difficulty integrating a sense of accomplishment outside the realm of pleasing another?  If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Do you lose your sense of self?  Were you seduced into a destructive relationship and have disowned yourself?  Do you suppress your desires, wants, and feelings or even know what they are?  Are most of your actions in reaction to another’s?  Do you settle for a compromised existence?  If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Do you have low self-esteem?  Do you seek love from others that do not have the capacity to love?  Are you angry and disappointed after continually trying everything in your power to gain anything in return?  Do you feel you are the problem and you just need to do more?  Do you settle for a compromised existence?  If you answered, “Yes” to anyone of these questions, you are probably codependent.

To understand what fearing abandonment looks like, ask yourself when was the last time you were able to survive on your own.  Do you feel totally dependent on another?  Are you cut off from outside support; i.e. friends, family, and peer groups.  If you answered, “Yes” to one or more of these questions, you are probably codependent.

Now that you know something about codependency, don’t equate it to an all “bad” idea and existence.  Within many cultures, codependency and reliance on family and friends is part of their culture and provides a continuous support system which is something we lack in America.  Thus in a relational sense, codependency isn’t necessarily all ghastly, it’s a matter of being aware of internal thoughts and feelings and how they manifest external behavior, choices, and consequences.

Interests and Behaviors in Sexuality

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sexuality ContinuesSexuality between consenting adults is a natural and healthy experience and expression of sexual involvement.  It is important to view sexuality positively; respecting and accepting  diverse values and beliefs.  Individuals, communities, and society reap great benefits when  attitudes of tolerance and acceptance of sexual preference is openly discussed.  Internal and external peace are exuberant and social connection harmonizes.

Attractions, desires, fantasies, and life choices vary from person to person and understanding the fluidity of the life cycle and personal choices can unite us.

Sexual preference transforms in various forms such as heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, fluid, and queer.  There are also several types of sexual activity and classifications; for instance sexual intercourse, oral sex, mutual masturbation, S&M, bondage, and tantric.    These identities are valid and completely normal.  It is just as typical to be attracted to both genders, engage in heterosexual and homosexual activity as it is to be attracted to just one gender.  It’s a matter of genetics, personality, personal choice, and can even change over time.  It is fluid and evolves as we change throughout our lifetime.  It is an individual predilection and genetic make-up that cannot be affected by the influence of others.

Sexual identity naturally changes as our drive and desire transforms as much as humans logically change over time.  It is dependent on our psyche, life experiences, self exploration, belief systems and personal acceptance.  What attracts us and arouses us is extremely variable. At various stages in one’s life, a person may identify as heterosexual, only to get to a point later in life where they can acknowledge that they are also attracted to members of their own gender. At that point, they may decide to identify as bisexual.

Similarly, someone who has identified as gay might discover that they are attracted to someone of another sex, and their self-identification may change because of their experience. It is common and not strange or uncanny to change sexual identity.  Sexual attraction is a personal endeavor and cannot be converted or influenced by anyone else.  Biology, physiology, and psychology components make it difficult to change an individual’s sexuality.  Gay or lesbian sexual orientations cannot be transformed to heterosexual and vice versa.

Sexual studies have proven that people’s sexual attractions and sexual identification cannot be changed by peer or societal pressure. It is an assumption that everyone is born heterosexual, and that it takes an experience with someone who is already gay, lesbian or bisexual to “convert” a person to being gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Many gay, lesbian, and bisexuals are aware that they have non-heterosexual attractions from the age of three with no adaptation or sexual experiences necessary.

Bisexuality is having the ability to find people of more than one sex attractive.  It’s the capability of being attracted sexually and/or romantically to members of more than one sex. You don’t need to have had sex with someone of the opposite sex to be a heterosexual, or to have had sex with someone of the same sex to know you are a homosexual – you just know what you like and what you find attractive. If you know that you find people of more than one sex to be eye-catching and sexy, you may call yourself bisexual, whether or not you ever have sex with partners of more than one sex.  It’s all a matter what we accept about ourselves and our willingness to express it within our community or to society. Bisexuality is also varied in terms of attractiveness.  Some people find themselves equally attracted to men and women, but many bisexuals find that they are more attracted to people of their own sex, or more attracted to people of another sex. It’s a matter of identifying what group or particular community; straight/heterosexual or queer/homosexual you can relate to most.   The attraction to one or more genders is proportioned differently for each person and can change with time as well. A person may be attracted to one sex forty percent of the time, and members of another sex sixty percent of the time when they are sixteen and then change at the age of thirty-five to seventy-five percent and twenty-five percent.   Bisexuality is not an excuse or a prerogative to have sex with whomever and whatever you want at any given opportunity.  Bisexuals are not sex fiends and just as normal in their sexual frequency as homosexuals, heterosexuals and other Trans identity.

Bisexuals may even be celibate.   Bisexuals in conjunction with any other kind sexual identity have a variety of kinds of relationships over the course of their lives; from one-night-stands to long-term, committed relationships, and they are just as likely to be responsible, loving, faithful partners as anyone else.   Bisexuality doesn’t mean you must have a male and a female partner to feel fulfilled. While some feel best in unconventional relationships where they have more than one partner of whatever sex or gender; it’s not a requirement for being bisexual.  Bisexuals have the same feelings and emotions as all humans.  Persons who consider themselves bisexual bond, fall in love, and have committed relationships.  And like everyone else, bisexuals are capable of being fulfilled or unfulfilled in their relationships dependent on the health of the relationship. Being bisexual doesn’t mean you are hiding the fact you really are gay or lesbian.  It’s still as difficult to pass or identify yourself as gay, bisexual or transgender in our society.  Heterosexuality is falsely accepted as the norm.

People of bisexual nature are not the same as individuals who consider themselves straight.  It may be confusing at times to see a person romantically involved with a person of the same sex and then a few months or years later romantically involved with a person of the opposite sex.   There shouldn’t be an automatic assumption that same-sex partners are gay and a bisexual person with an opposite-sex partner is straight.  A bisexual person doesn’t change their identity from gay or lesbian to heterosexual, they are bisexual consistently.

Having sex with a person of the same sex, doesn’t mean you are gay or bisexual.   The way you choose to identify yourself is up to you. The only person who can determine personal labels is you.

Be realistic and truthful about what that may mean for you in terms of knowing how to have safer sex with someone of the same sex as you.  Bisexuality is not the determent to spreading STI/HIV/AIDS because people of such orientation have sex with homosexuals and heterosexuals.   Sexual preference is not the culprit; unprotected sex with infected partners and passing it to an uninfected partner is the origin of the problem.  It is the responsibility of each person to be honest, conscientious and make healthy sexual choices.

Borderline Personality, Codependency, and Love Addiction

Posted on by helpingsoul

cycle of addiction

Borderline Personality tendencies, codependency, and love addiction are self-destructive behavioral patterns. Each personality seeks constant approval and love from others while abandoning themselves. Through people pleasing, compulsivity, and dependent patterns of behavior, a sense of self is lost. Relationship dynamics runs the extremes from idealization and domination to being controlled. The extremes create a false sense of safety, self-worth, and identity. This articles covers the characteristics of all three behavioral types and relates it to the cycle of addiction.

Everyone embraces some cycle of addiction, whether it be the way you towel off after a shower or mindlessly move through the grocery aisles. Regardless of the activity, the ritual involves unconscious thoughts, feelings and actions that repeats cyclically.

There are four parts to the cycle of addiction. The first stage is preoccupation, the second is the ritual, the third is acting out, and the fourth phase is feelings of guilt and shame.

Many dynamics of relationships exist but for the purpose of this article, codependency, borderline tendencies, and love addiction will be discussed with an emphasis of the cycle of addiction.

During the first stage, thoughts begin to preoccupy themselves with a lover. Persons consume the majority of their time and attention toward their imago. The imago is the image we place on our partner who mirrors our original caretakers. The psychological term for this is transference. The image feels right because it is familiar much like eating macaroni and cheese. Admiration for their partner is comfort food that feeds the attraction to excitement, chaos, and emotional intoxication.

The intense attraction is due to an unconscious drive to heal and resolve childhood wounds. This overwhelming state of infatuation is part of the first stage of addiction called preoccupation. During this phase, the love addict feels high (emotional intoxication) as parental fantasies to heal the abandonment, emptiness, and lack of self-worth are perceived to be met even if for a splitting moment. Thoughts and energy of their partner preoccupy all the love addict’s time. The majority of the day is conceiving ways to hold onto them and bring them closer so that they don’t abandon them.   Love addicts relinquish total control and power to their partner.   Any sense of spiritually becomes impaired as a grandiose persona transfers to their image.

Love addicts relation to family, friends, and personal care begin to change during the second phase of addiction. This stage is called ritual. Compulsive thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of their partner override any sense of independence.   Control completely transfers to other. Love addicts become dependent with learned helplessness and neediness. Trust and judgment projects on their partner and smashes their personal values and feelings. Love addicts give up control while abandoning themselves and becoming dependent on their lover to make personal decisions.   Over time love addicts’ careers, relationships, and personal care diminish.

Love addicts deny and refuse to open their eyes to the reality of their false, fantasy love. Similarly, codependents do not acknowledge their partner’s defensive wall, inability for real connection, and love themselves. Codependent relationships create enmeshment just as love addicts take on their partner’s morals and values and blur boundary lines. Relationships are viewed through unconsciously filtered fantasy. Relational dynamics continues between colossal cycles of intense passion and extreme anger. The sense of excitement in the emotional extremes is drunken in like an alcoholic drinks whiskey. The high of emotional intoxication deepens to obsessiveness that then is mistaken for authentic love.

The third period is acting out. Negative consequences of lost identity, irresponsible behavior, and diminishing life conditions are overlooked. Symptoms of loneliness, despair, and self-hatred continue in a downward spiral of intolerable circumstances. Self-worth bottoms and depression creeps in.

As the spiral continues downward, bottom hits with feelings of guilt and shame making up the fourth stage. Love addicts feel stuck as if they cannot cope on their own. Codependents feel they need their partner to survive just as a dependent child. Guilt, shame, internalized anger and resentment grow until the pain is too great, and the hurt is too much to bear. Finally, a glimmer of hope emerges, and awareness unfolds. Denial slowly lifts as light shines down on their partner’s defenses, emotional unavailability, controlling, and manipulating behavior. Further consciousness arises in financial and career sacrifices if they still have a job. Understanding of their isolation surfaces the notions of little contact if any with family and friends. It’s a rude awakening to the mess.

Shame and guilt stage causes love addicts to feel like failures, remain hopeless and lose sight of their discovery. Consequently, they fall deeper into depression. Denial sets in again to lighten the pain, and the cycle begins again.

Borderline personalities obsess again about their partner thinking they will save them from their misery. Codependents shift independence to dependence and as they stay in the relationship; prolonging the cycle of addiction.

Commonly borderline personalities, codependents, and love addicts develop from an alcoholic family or dysfunctional family who are narcissistic, unable to allow another to have an independent self, and cut-off emotionally. The personality types yearn for real connections and intimate relationships yet don’t know how and continue to play cat and mouse.

Childhood hurt and rage from parental abandonment, neglect, and emotional abuse leads to internalizing thoughts of being bad. The child splits the image of his desire internalizing it as bad and places a good internal object-image onto their caretakers.

If a child’s needs of nurture, mirroring of feelings and thoughts, and care lack, the child continues to split parts of themselves; internalizing they are bad, and their parents are good. This pattern is a defensive survival technique so that the child can tolerate the abuse in an environment where he is dependent.   As adults, a bad internalized image persists as a worthless and inadequate identity thus the perceived need to latch on to others for an identity. The wounded adult attracts partner’s who replicate their parents and place the externalized fantasy image of real parts onto their partner ultimately giving them all power and control.

Awareness of the similarity of borderline personalities, codependents, and love addicts can shed light and understanding of internal emotional drivers of behavior. New knowledge brings more choices and the more power and control for healthy, respectful, and loving thoughts, feelings, and actions. Understanding how one’s personal cycle of addiction originated can then begin to find ways to break the cycle and healing can begin. The goal is to feel whole (independent) while having the capacity to give and receive love.

90/10 Principle

Posted on by helpingsoul

I recently received an email with Stephen Covey’s 90/10 Principle and thought it would be a good thing to share under the recent circumstances.  Hopefully we all can learn from this principle, apply it to our lives, fill our hearts with love and give first if we want to receive.

90/10 Principle

by Stephen Covey

It will change your life or at least, the way you react to situations.

What is the Principle?

10% of life is made up of what happens to you;

90% of life is decided by how you react.

What does this mean?

We really have NO control over 10% of what happens to us.

We have NO control over this 10%.

The other 90% is different.

You determine the other 90%.

How?… By your reaction.

You cannot control a red light.

However, you can control your reaction.

Let us use an example…

You are having breakfast with your family.

Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt.

You have no control over what just happened.

What happens next will be determined by how you react.

You curse.

You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over.

She breaks down in tears.

After scolding her, you turn to your wife

And you criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table.

A short verbal battle follows.

You storm upstairs and change your shirt.

Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been to busy crying to finish her breakfast and getting ready to go to school.

She misses the bus.

Your spouse must leave immediately for work.

You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school.

Because you are late, you drive 40 miles per hour in a 30 mph speed limit zone.

After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60.00 traffic fine away, you arrive at school.

Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye.

After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you realize you forgot your briefcase.

Your day has started terrible.  As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse.

You look forward to coming home.

When you arrive home, you find a small wedge in your relationship with your wife and daughter.

Why?

Because of how you reacted in the morning.

A.)   Did the coffee cause it?

B.)    Did your daughter cause it?

C.)    Did the policeman cause it?

D.)   Did you cause it?

The answer is “D”.

How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day.

Here is what could have and should have happened.

Coffee splashes over you.

Your daughter is about to cry.

You gently say:

“It’s okay, honey you just need to be more careful next time.”

Grabbing a towel you go upstairs and change your shirt.

You grab your briefcase, and you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus.

She turns and waves.  You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff.

Notice the difference?

The two different scenarios.

Both started the same.

Both ended different.

Why?

Because of how you reacted.

You really have no control over 10% of what happens in your life.

The other 90% was determined by your reaction.

Now you know the 90/10 Principle.

Apply it and you will be amazed at the results

You will lose nothing if you try it.

The 90/10 Principle is incredible.

Very few know and apply this Principle.

The result?

See for yourself?

Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and headaches.

We all must understand and apply the 90/10 Principle.

It can change your life!

…Enjoy it…

It only takes willpower to give ourselves permission to make the experience.

Absolutely everything we do, give, say, or even think, is like a boomerang.

It will come back to us…

If we want to receive, we need to learn to give first…

Maybe we will end with our hands empty, but our heart will be filled with love…

And those who love life have that feeling marked in their heart.

Love, Jealousy, Rejection and Control

Posted on by helpingsoul

Love is an expression of our emotions, feelings and affection toward someone. When it comes to a spouse, love can bring to life our full potential and creativity. When love proceeds with abuse, it can be debilitating and demeaning. Love is a choice followed by action. Our personal values, beliefs and actions determine what is real love versus fantasy and abusive “love.”

Love is not ownership. Humans are not pieces of property, objects, nor possessions. When mates consider lovers “theirs”, it leads to abusive, imprisoning and damaging behavior.

In moderation, jealousy can be healthy. Suspicion can signal we feel threatened. Feelings can be useful to alert us that we need to investigate and evaluate the particular situation at greater length. Healthy love involves asking questions and honestly sharing concerns and fears with our loved one.

Jealousy becomes destructive when assumptions overrun any reality or truths. Envy overrun goals of connection and real intimacy. Jealousy usually comes from hurt, neglect, or sense of abandonment. When we react to those feelings with jealousy and don’t address core issues, pain continues to spiral downward.

Further investigation into understanding our jealousy may reveal personal insecurity, unworthiness, fears, unhappiness, and false beliefs projected on our partner. The solution begins when we become aware of our reactions and instead response mindfully. Confront jealousy by labeling and noticing feelings and thoughts and then nurture those feelings of hurt with self-care and finding the facts.

First gain personal power and gain control of your emotions by acknowledging them. Refrain from reactive, abusive behavior.

Second, shift the focus and examine other perspectives. As we look at the situation from the other person’s point of view, we give ourselves time to access the condition from several outlooks.

Next identify core beliefs that are creating the reaction and determine any truths and falsehoods. Remember insecurity and low self-esteem can create false images.

Call a friend, talk to a therapist, or contact a neutral, unbiased person to aid in awareness and broaden perspectives. Communication with uninvolved friends, family, or professional can help us validate reality, confront inadequacies and develop control. Finally, we can consciously choose the most logical approach for the most effective and kind response.

If it comes to fail, our jealousy is warranted, and we feel rejected, it hurts. Rejection stings and it burns a lot. However, it is no excuse to cause harm or react with vengeful words. It is an opportune time to practice self-love and nurture. Most times rejection is not personal even though it may feel that way.

When we are enmeshed rejection feels like abandonment, primarily when we abandon our truth and feelings. When we deny our thoughts and feelings, we usually then say hurtful things. We may blame our partner and portray the image that their decisions control us. However, we are responsible for our actions, our feelings, and our choices. Sometimes it is difficult to bear personal responsibility but turmoil only succeeds. Many people falsely assume that “she makes me happy” or that he “needs” her to be happy. Enmeshment presents this falsehood and limitless boundaries.

Our most intimate relationships often, trigger childhood memories of abandonment, hurt, or abuse. Enmeshment and no individuation position our lover on a pedestal to control how we feel about ourselves.

It takes time to build self-esteem, self-love, and acceptance to be entirely independent. We no longer need someone else to show us our value and worth. We know that we matter and treat ourselves respectfully and create healthy boundaries and tolerances of weakness and strengths. We mature into an independent, loving, kind and accepting adult. We can regulate our emotions by reaching out to a friend and taking care of ourselves with kindness.

Jealousy can be useful and with awareness we can use this natural feeling to our advantage by practicing self-care, reaching out, and exploring alternatives. We can choose to be happy independently regardless of how someone else behaves. Don’t let jealousy enter unhealthy false beliefs, and controlling behaviors enacted through fears and hurts.

If we feel jealousy or rejected, it is a good time to reflect upon ourselves, analyze and access the events. Evaluate from different perspectives, outlooks and points of view. It can be painful emotionally but also a time for growth and maturity.

We all make choices for many reasons. They may be due to a means of survival; to learn, to grow, to experiment. Whatever the reason, it is not a time to judge or demean.

We all make mistakes, and different choices than what we think are best, regardless it is not a time to judge. Our best solution is to look within and control the one thing we can; ourselves. We are all independent. Our happiness and emotions are independent of anyone else. We choose how we respond and not react. Choose with awareness and calmness. Remember, no one makes us do anything. Accept responsibility for our actions, emotions and behavior. There are always consequences when emotions such as jealousy, anger, and envy act outward or inward negatively. Focus on the positive and have the courage to ask for help when feelings reach adverse outcomes with drugs, alcohol, overeating, workaholism, gambling, and abusive relationships.

Building Blocks for a Successful Relationship from Meeting to Marriage

Posted on by helpingsoul

I came up with an eight step system for individuals looking for a long and lasting relationship.  After much personal experience, observation and research, I have discovered these steps provide a greater chance for a lifelong partner versus just a one night stand.  These steps are not ingrained in stone and there are certainly rare and wonderful cases where a one night stand can turn into a successful marriage.  However to increase your chances, I have determined these steps provide the proper criteria and mind set for marriage.

Building Blocks for a Successful Relationship from Meeting to Marriage

First Three to Six Months

1.  Meet

  • Encounter at work, school, gym, grocery store, running/ walking club, art/ writing class, workshop, or any personal interest group.

2.  Establish a Friendship

  • Treat each other as buddies.  No pressure for sex and truly get to know the person without expectations for the future or external demands.  In this type of relationship, you are permitted to be yourself and learn each other’s character, values and beliefs.

3.  Set Boundaries and Stand-up for your principles and viewpoint

  • Be willing to end the relationship if they aren’t met.   You may be surprised how the relationship turns for the better after someone takes a stance if there is something special brewing between the two of you.

Six to Nine Months

4.  Continue to build boundaries; working on polite yet assertive communication.

5.  Respect

  • Respect naturally forms if there is admiration and deference toward each other.  Appreciate signs of mutual respect such as thoughtfulness, consideration, politeness and respect of privacy.  Small considerate actions mean the most.

Nine Months to a Year

6.  Love is revealed

  • Revel in your love, tender affection and romantic desires and longing for each other.

Year to Two Years

7.  Persevere the relationship

  • Steadily persist in consistent thoughtful actions toward each other despite problems or difficulties if they exist.

8.  Marriage

  • Make a 100% Commitment.  Be willing to work and give the relationship hundred percent; through thick and thin; the good and the bad times. During difficult times, look for the positives and enjoy your spouse more each day. You may be pleasantly surprised how your spouse responds; naturally reacting nicer.  An amazing transformation will eventually occur, illuminating happier times together.
  • There is a remarkable difference between a commitment of 99% and 100%. At 100%, you are seeing your problems all the way through to their solutions. At 99% we can still find a way to take the path of least resistance…and usually do.

Communication

Posted on by helpingsoul

I thought more about communication and concluded at times we look for certain answers to our questions but give up easily if they aren’t answered immediately and settle for an answer that leaves feelings of emptiness and disappointment in the other person.

In the past, I would ask a question, get a certain response, be upset that it wasn’t what I was looking for and react negatively in response.

Now I have learned not to react so quickly and give up after only one question.  Most likely the other person doesn’t know exactly the answer you are looking for or understand your intent.  Remain calm, don’t react, and calmly ask another question to probe for more detail in their thought.   It may take several rounds back and forth but each questioned answered gets a little closer to the answer that is satisfactory to both parties.  It just takes gentle probing, remaining calm, and continuing the process.