Sex is not a relationship. Sex is a physical, biochemically driven act. There is no evidence that chemicals are released in a woman’s brain that initiates a bonding with a man she has sex with. Both sexes can form bonds from sex – or not – depending upon circumstances. But the choice to employ intellect and see the act as purely pleasure, purely physical is a quality humans possess; otherwise each sexual liaison would lead to a relationship. Taking it from there, relationships form from time spent with someone where spending that time together results in a mutual desire to spend more time. It’s over time that a bond grows, not in an instant (or 30 minutes of sex). Sex can be great (even better) when there are no strings attached. Most men understand this too.
Our emotions come into play when we are feeling “underpowered” such as when we are sick, stressed, etc. At those times we can view sex as an emotional event, when we are not already attached emotionally to the person, because we need and want the emotional support. At those times the touch of another human can be comforting and soothing and make us feel (mistakenly) that we are emotionally attached (or could be) to the person providing it.
Many marriages are engaged in for this reason and then end (badly) because the two people find out later that they were just looking for a “port in a storm” and mislead themselves about their feelings.
Getting back to the “friendship rules” concept, it is completely true that a relationship is dependent on the many things that happen before and after sex – not on what happens in bed. If we like the person, enjoy their company, conversation, value system, etc. then we can become “close” to them. Sex can add to this but cannot make up for its absence. We must learn to be friends and then a relationship builds. Women need to understand this so that they can expect less and, thus, be hurt less.
See the world and its realities and the road to happiness is paved with a surface of realism. There is great value to sex and the value of a good relationship and know that they are separate things.
Monogamy is marriage to one person at a time or the practice of having one sexual partner. The modern world has presented so many choices and opportunities to connect and reconnect, venturing into matrix’s never conceived possible. All the options can be overwhelming, confusing and exciting at the same time. Is there a right or wrong anymore?
As humans evolve, we are more open-minded and willing to experiment to find the right answer as individuals not as society dictates. History has presented the case that traditional methods may not be natural or provide the best solution for a happy couple.
The definition of monogamy strikes me as being quite hypocritical. If you are truly ‘monogamous’ doesn’t that mean you are committed to the relationship through thick and thin; no matter the circumstances. Thus divorce is not an option. If that is the case, divorce and affair statistics indicate the majority of humans are not monogamous.
My grandparents are a typical example of a monogamous relationship. They married as virgins in their mid-twenties and remained together for over fifty years. In the beginning, they shared a loving relationship, sleeping in the same bedroom, engaging in passion and giving birth to two children as my grandfather worked for AT&T his entire life and my grandmother remained home while she raised the children. The roles were defined. My grandmother nurtured the children, cooked all meals, and cleaned the inside of the house.
My grandfather worked during the day, washed the dishes after dinner every night and took care of the outside of the house on the weekends; mowing the lawn, trimming the bushes, painting the exterior, and fixing any broken appliances. He also ensured the American flag was positioned properly on holidays and times of mourning. He took great pride in his country and taking good care of the flag was part of our family.
As time progressed, my grandparents moved to separate bedrooms and I really can’t recall them being affectionate toward one another. It’s as if they just became roommates; not necessarily even friends. I remember a lot of fighting, bickering and bantering. They tolerated disrespectful and demeaning behavior from each other. It was just the way it was.
My parents on the other hand lived a different lifestyle. Since they came from difficult childhoods, they clung onto their first love, married soon thereafter, gave birth to me, divorced, and continued their quest for love as they married and divorced repeatedly. They moved from one city to the next living the life dictated by society in hopes of fulfilling their personal voids.
My Dad is single and now searching for his fifth wife. My Mom is on her fourth marriage and called me after one month of dating and stated, “I am getting married! We are having the reception and wedding at Millerridge Inn in July, we are going to St. Lucia for our honeymoon, I want you to be my Maid of Honor, Carrieann is going to be my Bridesmaid and the color of the dresses are mint green; I already picked the style of the dress.
I was in shock after only dating for a month; she is getting married and knows all the details of the wedding. I thought, did you two get to know each other or just discuss the details of the wedding for the past month. Anyway, I have no reason to judge as long as she is happy at least for the next six years that’s all that matters.
The ‘new’ definition for monogamy should read, stay married to one person as long as the love and lust lasts and then you are free to divorce. My parent’s history shows monogamy lasts for six years and then it is time to find a new person. Is that really monogamous? Is that true commitment?
Now that I have witnessed two generations of bad relationships, I’m wondering is monogamy natural. It appears I am not the only one thinking this as I read many articles, studies and meet friends who are willing to experiment. They set their own rules. Some engage in full intercourse with others and some just flirt or share fantasies or dirty talk with others. As long as the couple is open with their communication they are happy to allow their partner to interact with others.
Personally I find the later healthier than the two scenarios depicted by my grandparents and parents and couple’s who stay married but have affairs on the side. At least the younger generation is willing to expose their personal desires and aren’t afraid of judgment or cynicism from other’s. That takes great strength and confidence; two things I greatly admire.
Welcome, this forum is a place to openly discuss psychology issues, sexual fantasies, desires and realities in a safe and anonymous environment as I share coaching topics, educational material, and spiritual teachings.
Femmevolution is dedicated to empowering women and men of all diversities, bringing social, economic, educational, and spiritual justice to the under served. Through coaching, education, and counseling services my mission is to increase women’s self worth, their right to have and determine choices, access to opportunities and resources, control of their own lives, and influence the direction of social change. As women evolve, it liberates men to learn spirituality, feel safe to express their feelings and emotions, and foster better relationships.
My goal is to ensure mutual respect and equality between the sexes. As independent individuals, we are able to make our own decisions based on personal values. The key is to be aware of your behavior, your reaction to the consequences and be secure in your decision without fear of judgment. This takes a great deal of confidence and self-assurance achieved through mirroring, validation, and empathy from others and accomplishing personal and professional goals.
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