Sex is not a Relationship

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sex is not a relationship.  Sex is a physical, biochemically driven act.   There is no evidence that chemicals are released in a woman’s brain that initiates a bonding with a man she has sex with.  Both sexes can form bonds from sex – or not – depending upon circumstances.  But the choice to employ intellect and see the act as purely pleasure, purely physical is a quality humans possess; otherwise each sexual liaison would lead to a relationship.   Taking it from there, relationships form from time spent with someone where spending that time together results in a mutual desire to spend more time.  It’s over time that a bond grows, not in an instant (or 30 minutes of sex).   Sex can be great (even better) when there are no strings attached.  Most men understand this too.

Our emotions come into play when we are feeling “underpowered” such as when we are sick, stressed, etc.  At those times we can view sex as an emotional event, when we are not already attached emotionally to the person, because we need and want the emotional support.  At those times the touch of another human can be comforting and soothing and make us feel (mistakenly) that we are emotionally attached (or could be) to the person providing it.

Many marriages are engaged in for this reason and then end (badly) because the two people find out later that they were just looking for a “port in a storm” and mislead themselves about their feelings.

Getting back to the “friendship rules” concept, it is completely true that a relationship is dependent on the many things that happen before and after sex – not on what happens in bed.  If we like the person, enjoy their company, conversation, value system, etc. then we can become “close” to them.  Sex can add to this but cannot make up for its absence.  We must learn to be friends and then a relationship builds.  Women need to understand this so that they can expect less and, thus, be hurt less.

See the world and its realities and the road to happiness is paved with a surface of realism.  There is great value to sex and the value of a good relationship and know that they are separate things.

Social Goggles

Posted on by helpingsoul

Society looks through the lens of social goggles; seeing the world as rules are laid out for them. Wandering through a life set by laws, being ‘good citizens’ they wonder why they are unhappy. If you look at the world realistically, consider that the rules are not natural human nature.

Little girls are preprogrammed starting at a young age to stay away from boys and they are bad. An example from my childhood was when I was four a boy similar in age and I was curious. We had never seen each others ‘parts’, slithered to the back corner of my bedroom closet behind the hanging clothes and slipped our pants down to discover the difference. It was purely innocent but soon my Mother discovered us hiding in the closet and yelled at the young boy to get out of the house. She embarrassed and shamed me in front of this blameless boy as he ran home.

Once he left, my Mom stood me in front of her in the living room as she sat on the couch and scolded and told me how wrong it was to pull down my panties in front of a boy. I would be thought of as a “slut” or “whore” and “We don’t want the neighborhood to think of you in that way.”

I remembered feeling horrified and so shameful for what I did. I was confused. I didn’t hurt anyone. How could it be so wrong just to look? I was just a curious little girl.

Perhaps my Mom was jealous, insecure or even selfish because she didn’t want the possibility for guys to like me and she would have to fend off men as I grew older. I know she didn’t want to take away my innocence that parent’s value yet envy so much. They live vicariously through the purity of their children hoping they will see hope ahead even if it is to children’s detriment.

Soon little girls and boys learn to think on their own and rebel from their parents. It is difficult as they explore and find out for themselves what the opposite sex is all about.

Rebellion though may not lead to learning and growing to come into your own. It takes many years to discover who you are. The more you interact and meet people, you learn about yourself and what you like in others but there is still conflict from our preprogramming.

Women are pressured to get married and feel inadequate if they aren’t. When they do get married, there is over a 50% chance you will get a divorce. Why is this? Do we marry and then give up as if we got our price and the competition is over so I don’t need to try anymore. Or do we marry too early, not knowing the person well enough or perhaps even ourselves? I don’t know the exact answer. All I know is that marriage is a value most women posses. Men don’t have the same pressure as females but it is there.

I foresee the solution is to seek outside the rules. Learn who you are first. Become aware of what you like, don’t like and be confident in all that you are. Find a purpose, live out your dreams, desires and fantasies and love will come naturally.

It’s better to live life in your personal set of values than remaining conflicted and angry resulting in a psychological state from unconscious opposition between simultaneous but incompatible desires, needs, drives, or impulses.

If parents just allowed their children to naturally explore the world on their own anger, envy, and rebellion is avoided. Children are innocent; it is a wonderful thing. Don’t take it away from them because you are ashamed of your acts of rebellion and resentment.

If children were loved, supported, and free to roam naturally, bitterness is prevented. Rules are needed for fundamental moral values and etiquette and punishing for demeaning or hurtful behavior and acting out. The best rule is to treat others as you would like to be treated; with mutual respect.

The golden rule is that a person attempting to live by this rule treats all people, not just members of his or her in-group with consideration. The golden rule, with roots in a wide range of world cultures, is well suited to be a standard to which different cultures could appeal in resolving conflicts even in our own head.

Empowerment

Posted on by helpingsoul

An old friend whom I met almost a year ago contacted me recently.  We went out to dinner and talked about our times together last summer.  He apologized for some of his demeaning comments; claiming me a ‘sex addict’.  He said, “I was going through a difficult time as I underwent the transition of a drug and sex addict to therapy and recovery.  I am now revisiting friends and family to ask for forgiveness.”   It was nice I was included in that group.

He also said, “You were the only woman who made me feel like a hooker.”  I smiled as I didn’t realize the power I embrace.  His comment made me feel good about myself and empowered.

I am slowly gaining courage and confidence as I reminisce and observe people’s reaction to me now that I am not active as I once was. I am coming into my own and want to help other women gain the same sense of self-esteem and employ goodwill in our careers, relationships, family and community.  Our sophistication, intelligence, sex appeal and independence can conquer and influence above and beyond for greater benevolence.

Judgment Creates a Narrow Mind

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sad feelings overwhelmed her mind as she felt distant from family and friends.  She wallows in shame and guilt as she judges her behavior, hypothesizing over what is right and wrong.  She looks at things in a binary view without realizing other perspectives.  She only feels shame and ridicule of herself.

There is no right or wrong, there is a system of multiplicity.  What works for one person may not for another but who has the right to decide what is suitable versus immoral?  We all do the best we can with the knowledge we are given and the values set within.

Her story begins with her attachment to her mother.  As a daughter with an insecure attachment, she judged her mother’s behavior for marrying her fourth husband after dating for a short period of time.  She not only found a man who she loves but has a large family and they soon started a major project to renovate his house.  Her her dismay, she discounted her decision because it was the same scenario with her previous husband.  He had a large family and just after the marriage they modernized the house.

She feels lonely and longs to belong, connect and be apart of a lifelong commitment as her mom endeavors.  She understood her mother’s isolation wore on her psyche.  When she met her husband, perhaps it was love at first sight; perhaps not, but who isto judge.  As long as she is happy, that is all that matters.  By judging and not acknowledging her mother’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors she depleted her mother’s happiness.

She also has an insecure attachment with her father and lost respect for him because she didn’t agree his decisions.  He married women who were passionate, strong-willed and independent.  He never had a job more than a year, soon granted an inheritance but let it dwindle away, declared bankruptcy and is searching again for job after job.  He hurt deeply and longed for a woman to save him from his pain and sorry.   She now realizes that it is time  to stop  parenting her parents and take care of herself.  As children age, parents and children can find support and understanding in friendship.  Stop the codependency and allow the person to learn and grow on their own in their own time.

The more judgment protrayed on oneself, the more one ridicules and judges another. She realized she judged her ex-boyfriend.  He found it exciting for a woman to sleep with many men rationalizing the notion that variety is the spice of life.  However, just because one likes novelty in different restaurants, places, and meeting new people doesn’t mean they want to sleep with multiple people.  Understanding personal values and affirming them is important in setting boundaries for a healthy relationship.

Through exploration, learning and growth, new insight and appreciation for diversity in relationships, thoughts, and behaviors, enables diffrentiation without judgment.  Be true to yourself and live your own life according to your own rules.  There is no right or wrong; just tolerance and acceptance.