FORGIVENESS

Posted on by helpingsoul

april wright therapy forgiveness

“The act of forgiveness is the act of returning to present time.”  ~ Caroline Myss

Like almost everything else, forgiveness begins at home. Self-forgiveness is a form of self-compassion, and without it, we flog ourselves for every little wrongdoing. In addition, we come to treat others the way we treat ourselves. Listen to your judgments of others, and remind yourself that you’re actually projecting your judgments of yourself onto them, probably unconsciously operating the way you were programmed in your family of origin. Everyone makes mistakes all day long. Own yours! Apologize when you can, then start over with a greater understanding of what you did wrong. When you begin to forgive yourself for your imperfections, you begin to change positively from the inside out. And when that happens, forgiveness naturally flows outward to others.

But forgiveness for ourselves–or from another–is not a natural process. It’s not something either “should” do; it happens when we are ready. Like in any dynamic development, glimmers of forgiveness may emerge unexpectedly, then, just as suddenly, recede. Stay open but keep moving forward. If you’ve hurt another, move forward with forgiveness.  If it’s not received well, don’t compound it with impatience. Let the other come towards you when she or he is ready. Meanwhile, give yourself permission to forgive your past mistakes. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once–it comes in stages and may never feel complete.

Forgive only when your heart tells you it’s the right time. Forgiving prematurely can hurt you further because forgiving too soon denies the truth. You are on your own timetable. Take your time and stay present. Just remember that waiting too long, holding onto anger, can be toxic to your body, mind, and spirituality.  Holding tightly creates resentment that keeps you sick and stuck. Suffering doesn’t make you a better person. In fact, it demonstrates self destructive behavior.  Treat yourself with kindness and it will prelude to others. Obsessing over the past won’t heal your heartbreak, but forgiveness of yourself and others can restore you both.

Taken from Mirror of Intimacy:  Daily Reflections on Emotional and Erotic Intelligence

Design Your Ideal Partner with this Game

Posted on by helpingsoul

doves_heartDo you have a partner with a habit or flaw you’d like to eliminate, tweak or fix? Let’s play a game about that.

Part One

You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add a lot more. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate. Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print this list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

  • Intelligent
  • Sensitive
  • Interesting
  • Fun loving
  • Wants as many kids as I do
  • Great parent
  • Has many exciting interests
  • Attractive
  • Values good health
  • Enjoys their work
  • Likes animals
  • Honest
  • Loves me for who I am
  • Great sense of humor
  • Enjoys sex about as often as I do
  • Loves taking care of others
  • Gives me all the space I want when I want it
  • Sparkling conversationalist
  • Loves cooking for me
  • Enjoys the same foods, movies, music and sports
  • Manages money well and is a great investor
  • Extroverted and fun in social situations
  • Introverted and likes quiet, serene romantic settings
  • Likes to exercise
  • Great travel companion
  • Has the same sense of adventure
  • Loves what they do professionally and the sky is the limit
  • Knows just how much to tease me
  • Trustworthy
  • Wants to talk when I do
  • Is interested in my day if I want to talk about it
  • Is willing to go to therapy (just in case)

Wow, what an ideal partner. And he or she is all yours. Just keep reading.

Part Two

Now that you have described your dream partner, let’s do part two. For every four positive traits, you now need to include one irritant. Because we are all flawed creatures, we have to balance the picture.

Look at the list below and choose one characteristic for every four on your original list. What are you willing to live with in order to have all those juicy positives? In this scenario, the negatives are fixed and pretty permanent. Remember the ratio is 4:1. Count your list of positive traits and divide by 4 to see how many traits you need to select from the list below.

  • Insecure
  • Bi-polar
  • Narcissistic
  • Passive aggressive
  • Conflict avoidant
  • Hairy back
  • Lazy
  • Not interested in sex when I am
  • Addicted to TV or video games
  • Doesn’t want the same number of kids I do
  • Poor kisser
  • Loves eating junk foods
  • Messy
  • Forgets birthdays and anniversaries
  • Unmotivated
  • Stingy
  • Jealous
  • Insecure
  • Really embarrassing fashion style
  • Nags
  • Chews with mouth open
  • Snores loud enough to scare small animals
  • No sense of humor
  • Watches way too much T.V
  • Rarely expresses emotions
  • Trapped in go nowhere job and doesn’t mind it
  • Spends way over the budget
  • Interrupts and doesn’t listen well
  • Swears a lot
  • Tendency toward chronic depression
  • Too much overweight or underweight
  • No common activities
  • Has unpleasant friends
  • Bad health

There you have it – a real live human being who is complex, annoying, loving, and full of contradictions.

Part Three

Make a Valentine’s Day Commitment. For the day before, the day of and the day after, experiment with accepting your partner’s irritating traits. Increase your positive recognition of your partner’s pluses and overlook their negatives.

Valentine’s Day has become way too commercial. Isn’t this better than any box of candy?

Also, do your best to evaluate yourself against these lists and look at the ratio you bring to your relationship. Do you see the same plusses and minuses as your partner sees in you?

If you do part three, congratulations. Please share any discoveries or how hard it is to resist blaming and criticizing for those 3 days.

Please share what you discover.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

Written by The Couple’s Institute

Love

Posted on by helpingsoul

loveWhat is love and how do we know if we feel it for someone else?  I finally broke down and said “I love you too” to my partner, but felt unsure.  Do I really love him?  As I walked today I thought about love and how it is formed with images in your head of tiny experiences and visions in your head.  The more often, frequent, consistency of happy images and visions that remain in your mind formulate a lasting likeness and eventually love prevails.  Or it can be a train wreck and hits you on top of the head unknowingly as the case between music man and I.

Love is a feeling of intense attraction that can be one of the most amazing in the entire world. It starts with lust, attraction and then a commitment.  The emotions associated with love are blissful, and there are times when they can really hurt. In the end, love is something most of us, if not all of us, will encounter. While there are many different ways to define love and there are many different ways to love someone (or even yourself), here is a general guide to loving from WikiHow.

Steps

  1. Say it. When you say the words, “I love you” with conviction, meaning and action.  They should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it, make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.
  2. Empathize. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.
  3. Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.
  4. Expect nothing in return. That doesn’t mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love.  Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you; do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.
  5. Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have.  Think of how lucky you are to have someone to love. Don’t make an idol of the person you love. This will place them under undue pressure and will likely result in you losing them.
  6. Never stop loving. Even if you have been hurt before you should not stop giving love.

Judgment Creates a Narrow Mind

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sad feelings overwhelmed her mind as she felt distant from family and friends.  She wallows in shame and guilt as she judges her behavior, hypothesizing over what is right and wrong.  She looks at things in a binary view without realizing other perspectives.  She only feels shame and ridicule of herself.

There is no right or wrong, there is a system of multiplicity.  What works for one person may not for another but who has the right to decide what is suitable versus immoral?  We all do the best we can with the knowledge we are given and the values set within.

Her story begins with her attachment to her mother.  As a daughter with an insecure attachment, she judged her mother’s behavior for marrying her fourth husband after dating for a short period of time.  She not only found a man who she loves but has a large family and they soon started a major project to renovate his house.  Her her dismay, she discounted her decision because it was the same scenario with her previous husband.  He had a large family and just after the marriage they modernized the house.

She feels lonely and longs to belong, connect and be apart of a lifelong commitment as her mom endeavors.  She understood her mother’s isolation wore on her psyche.  When she met her husband, perhaps it was love at first sight; perhaps not, but who isto judge.  As long as she is happy, that is all that matters.  By judging and not acknowledging her mother’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors she depleted her mother’s happiness.

She also has an insecure attachment with her father and lost respect for him because she didn’t agree his decisions.  He married women who were passionate, strong-willed and independent.  He never had a job more than a year, soon granted an inheritance but let it dwindle away, declared bankruptcy and is searching again for job after job.  He hurt deeply and longed for a woman to save him from his pain and sorry.   She now realizes that it is time  to stop  parenting her parents and take care of herself.  As children age, parents and children can find support and understanding in friendship.  Stop the codependency and allow the person to learn and grow on their own in their own time.

The more judgment protrayed on oneself, the more one ridicules and judges another. She realized she judged her ex-boyfriend.  He found it exciting for a woman to sleep with many men rationalizing the notion that variety is the spice of life.  However, just because one likes novelty in different restaurants, places, and meeting new people doesn’t mean they want to sleep with multiple people.  Understanding personal values and affirming them is important in setting boundaries for a healthy relationship.

Through exploration, learning and growth, new insight and appreciation for diversity in relationships, thoughts, and behaviors, enables diffrentiation without judgment.  Be true to yourself and live your own life according to your own rules.  There is no right or wrong; just tolerance and acceptance.