What is Love, Anyway?

Posted on by helpingsoul

What is love is the question?  What should it feel like?  Love hurts as the song goes.  It can be quite painful yet addictive or it can be yearning for something that is intangible?

They say that when you are in love, you are in the same state of mind as people with obsessive compulsive disorder.  A professor at the University of Pisa in Italy studies the biochemistry of love-sickness. She concluded from a study comparing the blood of 24 subjects who had fallen in love, subjects who were obsessive compulsive and another group that were free from both passion and mental illness.   She concluded that levels of serotonin in people with obsessive compulsive disorder and lovers are forty percent lower than those in normal subjects. Thus there is a direct correlation to the chemical profiles between love and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Questions may arise in your own relationship.  Inquires like, “Do I behave in a manner that is inflicted upon a state of temporary mental illness?” or “Who am I?”, “What are my values?”, “What boundaries am I setting if any at all?” and “What am I willing to do for love?”  It could be one, two, or a combination or it may be a stage of exploration to determine who you are, what are your values, and determine what kind of boundaries you want to set in a relationship.  If we aren’t mirrored, validated, and emphasized in childhood from our primary caretakers, we may not have formed a solid sense of self in adulthood to be able to answer these questions without exploring, testing, and deciding through trial and error in our adult relationships.

Life experiences give us the opportunity to decide what we like and don’t like.  As the saying goes, “You never know until you try.”

This is time-honored wisdom that encourages us to be a part of life rather than sit on the sidelines and watch it go by.  Take chances, risks, and  rewards are not far behind.  If anything, knowledge is gained about yourself and others.  Even if the outcome is full of regret,  there is a lesson learned and the new-found knowledge is almost always worth it.

This wisdom can be applied to situations large and small from trying tofu to sailing.  As in my case, it was an exploration into my sexuality, men and gender prejudices.   It is the self-knowledge gained from my experience that is irreplaceable.

It is often said that at the end of our lives we are more likely to regret the things we did not do than the things we did.  Being aware of the opportunities missed might encourage you not to miss them again.

Great Quote

Posted on by helpingsoul

“The relinquishing of judgmentalism greatly increases the capacity of Love, as does surrendering the wanting of anything from others. Thus, people are not perceived according to what they have or do but by appreciation for what they have become.”

~ “Transcending the levels of consciousness” – subtitle, The stairway to enlightenment. written by: David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.


Judgment Creates a Narrow Mind

Posted on by helpingsoul

Sad feelings overwhelmed her mind as she felt distant from family and friends.  She wallows in shame and guilt as she judges her behavior, hypothesizing over what is right and wrong.  She looks at things in a binary view without realizing other perspectives.  She only feels shame and ridicule of herself.

There is no right or wrong, there is a system of multiplicity.  What works for one person may not for another but who has the right to decide what is suitable versus immoral?  We all do the best we can with the knowledge we are given and the values set within.

Her story begins with her attachment to her mother.  As a daughter with an insecure attachment, she judged her mother’s behavior for marrying her fourth husband after dating for a short period of time.  She not only found a man who she loves but has a large family and they soon started a major project to renovate his house.  Her her dismay, she discounted her decision because it was the same scenario with her previous husband.  He had a large family and just after the marriage they modernized the house.

She feels lonely and longs to belong, connect and be apart of a lifelong commitment as her mom endeavors.  She understood her mother’s isolation wore on her psyche.  When she met her husband, perhaps it was love at first sight; perhaps not, but who isto judge.  As long as she is happy, that is all that matters.  By judging and not acknowledging her mother’s feelings, thoughts, and behaviors she depleted her mother’s happiness.

She also has an insecure attachment with her father and lost respect for him because she didn’t agree his decisions.  He married women who were passionate, strong-willed and independent.  He never had a job more than a year, soon granted an inheritance but let it dwindle away, declared bankruptcy and is searching again for job after job.  He hurt deeply and longed for a woman to save him from his pain and sorry.   She now realizes that it is time  to stop  parenting her parents and take care of herself.  As children age, parents and children can find support and understanding in friendship.  Stop the codependency and allow the person to learn and grow on their own in their own time.

The more judgment protrayed on oneself, the more one ridicules and judges another. She realized she judged her ex-boyfriend.  He found it exciting for a woman to sleep with many men rationalizing the notion that variety is the spice of life.  However, just because one likes novelty in different restaurants, places, and meeting new people doesn’t mean they want to sleep with multiple people.  Understanding personal values and affirming them is important in setting boundaries for a healthy relationship.

Through exploration, learning and growth, new insight and appreciation for diversity in relationships, thoughts, and behaviors, enables diffrentiation without judgment.  Be true to yourself and live your own life according to your own rules.  There is no right or wrong; just tolerance and acceptance.