Keeping Marital Secrets Closeted

Posted on by helpingsoul
By JANE ISAYEstranged Marriage

THIS summer, soon after gay marriage became legal in New York, my sons held a wedding for my former husband and his partner of over 30 years. The grandchildren were flower girl and ring bearers. The wedding thrust me back to the time when we faced a terrible choice and decided to stay married for the children. That’s what motivated my then husband and me to carry on our incomplete marriage for its last nine years, and that’s how we explained our actions after the divorce. It was a convenient truth, and also a self-serving one.

The year was 1980. I was waiting for my husband of 15 years to return from the last party of a psychiatry convention. I could hear voices from down the hall, happy men enjoying their time together. When he came in, his face was grave. He sat down on the bed and said, “I have something I need to tell you.” He took a deep breath. “I’m homosexual.” At that moment I saw my future collapse before my eyes. I got the chills and ran to take a hot bath. It gave me time to think and warmed me, but not for long. We spent the night talking and lamenting. On the plane home, we held each other and sobbed and planned. By the time we landed, we had decided to keep his sexual orientation a secret and stay married for the sake of the children.

Of course we both wanted to protect our sons, who were 10 and 14. Divorce was not uncommon then, but the circumstances surrounding our relationship were controversial and would have created a scandal in our small university town, so staying married for the children helped us both feel better about ourselves and our lies. We thought they didn’t notice any change, and we were mistaken. Secrets have a way of seeping into the atmosphere. Kids are natural observers. They watch parents like hawks, and they know when something is wrong, even if they don’t know what. I desperately wanted the charade to work at home — we were doing this for the children. So covering for my husband on his two nights a week out, and his two vacations a year became second nature — he was a busy man with many meetings.

I paid a price for my silence with my closest friends, because a secret of this magnitude builds barriers. I just couldn’t bear to show them the spot I was in. And I was leery of advice. When I felt so alone, I could always remind myself what a good person I was being, sacrificing for the children.

The other reasons for staying married were not so charming. If I had thought, I’m staying for the money, I might have questioned the lies I told my sons about where their father was on the nights he spent with his future husband. Or if he had thought, I’m staying to promote my career as a psychoanalyst, he might have felt a little heavy on the ambition scale. Or if we both had realized that we were just too scared to face the world alone, I might have given up some of the pretending, and he might have realized the gravity of his original secret.

But never mind. We had an explanation that made people admire us when we finally went public. Other truths might have evoked pity or suspicion: what’s the matter with her radar? How could she accept a half a marriage instead of a whole one? Who is she, really? To say we stayed married for the children put an end to uncomfortable questions.

If I had faced the other reasons to stay in the marriage, the burden of our lies would probably have been harder to bear. But the burden on our sons might also have been lightened. It’s not so great for kids to be told they are the cause of their parents’ behavior, especially when that’s only part of the story. When they finally learned the truth, our sons were more disturbed by our deception than by the facts. Our reasons didn’t seem to matter anymore. Truth trumps lies every time.

The phrase “we stayed married for the children” is like a silk duvet on a complicated and imperfect marriage bed. Nobody really wants to turn back the covers, the unhappy spouses least of all.

How Your Health Choices Can Change Your Genes

Posted on by helpingsoul
Since researchers cracked the human genome some 10 years ago, we’ve had a heightened awareness of the importance of genetics in our risk for certain diseases and disorders, both mental and physical. Subsequent studies have continued to find connections between our genetic profiles and our likelihood of developing health problems, from breast cancer and heart attack to depression, obesity, and Alzheimer’s disease. Some people choose to undergo genetic tests to determine whether they carry copies of specific genes that put them at higher risk for various diseases. Knowing that one possesses Man_DNA_Lightcopies of “cancer genes,” for example, can lead to some tough decisions about where to go from there.

“Our genes are modified by the choices we make every day – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, and even our social environments.”

A bright spot, however, is that what’s also become clear in recent years is that genetics is only half of the discussion. Our lifestyles, as doctors are keen on telling us, are important in increasing or reducing our risk of various diseases. Research in the new field of epigenetics is finding that our lifestyle choices – the foods we put in our bodies, the chemicals we are exposed to, how active we opt to be, even our social environments – can actually alter our health at the level of the gene. These choices can have big effects on our risk for disease, even if our genes seem to be working against us. So before throwing your hands up and saying, “What can I do? It’s all up to my genes,” read on.

How Choices Can Change Molecules
Smoking is a familiar example of how our behaviors can affect our genes. We know smoking is linked to poor health outcomes. But how does this work molecularly-speaking? In this case, the carcinogens in cigarette smoke directly affect the molecules in our bodies, triggering the growth of cancer by mutating our anti-cancer genes so that they no longer function effectively.

But what’s found to be equally true is that the positive lifestyle choices we make – most notably, eating right and exercising – may have just as powerful an effect on our genetic makeup. Two recent studies illustrate this point. One found that eating well can “turn off” the genes that put one at higher risk for heart problems1; the other showed that exercise can persuade stem cells to become bone and blood cells rather than fat cells.(2) Each helps us see just how lifestyle variables work at the genetic level to modify our risk.

You (and Your Genes) Are What You Eat
In the first study, people who ate more raw fruits and vegetables had a reduced risk of heart disease, even if they carried copies of the gene that increases one’s risk for cardiovascular disease.(1) The researchers divided groups of participants according to the type of diet they ate. They dubbed the diets as follows: a typical “Western” diet included more salty and fried foods, meats, eggs, and sugar; the “Oriental” diet consisted of more soy, pickled foods, eggs, and leafy greens; and the ”Prudent” diet, contained more raw fruits and veggies, leafy greens, nuts, and dairy. People who were genetically at the very highest risk of having a heart attack (they had two copies of the specific genes associated with heart attacks) had about double the heart risk if they ate a diet lacking in fruits and vegetables, compared to people who ate a prudent diet.

The study illustrates vividly how eating well will not only help you feel better in an immediate way, but it could actually alter your genes and reduce risk to your heart in a long term way.

Exercise Can Sway the Fat(e) of Cells
Exercise is the other piece of advice that we hear over again. It is strongly linked to a variety of health benefits from heart and vascular health, to warding off Alzheimer’s, to extending lifespan. But now researchers are beginning to show that exercise may function, at least in part, by affecting the expression of our genes.

“Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention.”

Certain types of stem cells can “choose” how they differentiate, and exercise and environmental factors can actually determine the direction that cells take early in their development. When mice run on a treadmill for as little as an hour three times a week, the exercise induced these stem cells to become blood-producing cells of the bone marrow, rather than fat cells.

The stem cells of sedentary mice in this study were much more likely to become fat cells. “Some of the impact of exercise is comparable to what we see with pharmaceutical intervention,” says author Gianni Parise in a university press release. “Exercise has the ability to impact stem cell biology. It has the ability to influence how they differentiate.”

If exercise can influence how stem cells differentiate into mature cells, it is certainly possible that exercise also works on the genetic level as it influences our risk for certain diseases. More research will be needed to map out the molecular changes that exercise brings about. Again, since the evidence is overwhelming that exercise does reduce our risk for physical and mental health problems, it certainly won’t hurt to put on your walking shoes and get moving.

The Molecules that Affect Gene Activity
Much more work needs to be done to untangle the specific changes that are occurring in the genes exposed to different environments and lifestyles. Researchers do know that it’s not the genes themselves that are changed by lifestyle or environmental factors; rather, it’s likely the molecules around them, which can affect how active genes are.

“We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits.”

Methylation is one example of the molecular changes that may occur in response to environmental factors, and there are other regulatory molecules that could certainly be affected by the foods we eat, the chemicals we come into contact with every day, the viruses we contract, and our level of activity. The addition or subtraction of a methyl group is known to be a cue for whether genes are turned off or on.

A recent study found that in sets of twins, one of whom suffered from schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, there were differences in how methylated certain disease-associated genes were between the two twins.(3) This suggests that for people who share identical genomes, the molecules around the genes may play an important role in whether certain diseases are present or not. Other studies have found similar results regarding methylation as a likely candidate for the changes that are occurring early in development as a result of exposure to the chemical additive BPA,(4) and in the buildup of amyloid-beta precursor protein in response to inflammation in Alzheimer’s disease.(5)

Be Kind to Your Genes
That our lifestyles can affect our genes in significant way is both sobering and encouraging. On one hand, our genes affect our health, since they can put us at varying levels of risk for health issues like heart disease, weight gain, and even depression. And on the other, our lifestyles also affect our health in significant ways at the level of the gene. Eating fruits and vegetables can “turn off” the heart attack genes, and exercise can sway the development of stem cells.

We are not completely at the mercy of our genes. In many ways, they are at the mercy of our health and lifestyle decisions and habits. Family history can be a strong predictor of disease, but we have at least some power to change it. Making healthy lifestyle choices may not be foolproof, but for many it could mean the difference between experiencing a significant health issue and avoiding it. So, your doctor’s advice is not just rote recitation. Pay attention to it with the knowledge that your genes are paying attention, too.

Self-Soothing, A Technique for Coping During Times of Stress and Anxiety

Posted on by helpingsoul

As I struggle to balance taking care of myself and letting a friend know during their troubled time that I care for them deeply, I contemplate balance, differentiation, and self-soothing.  These terms enter my mind as I want to ensure I love and care for others while taking care of my own needs.  I differentiate and free my friend to solve their own problems.  I liberate from guilt and resentment.  And we both learn to self-soothe.

The word balance came to mind as I want to remain independent, accomplish tasks that give me empowerment, a sense of achievement, and purpose as I take responsibility of my life. As I weigh the consequences of my actions, I contemplate the thoughts, “Am I being too independent?”, “Am I not being a good friend?”, “Am I being selfish?”, and “Am I doing the right thing?”

Pondering these questions, I notice my first reaction is that, “I am not selfish”, “I have shown my friend that I care by calling several times during the day to check-in”,and “I am creating healthy detachment so that both of us can take responsibility of our life and self soothe.”

So what is self-soothing?  Self-soothing is the act of taking responsibility for your own needs.  Self-soothing is a set of techniques that provide personal comfort, have calming affects, and brings inner peace during times of turmoil.  They provide self-supportive methods that help alleviate stress and anxiety.  There is no one size fits all mechanism for self-soothing.  As each person is unique, every individual has their own distinctive set of cognitions and behaviors that help alleviate pain.

Here is a list of several self-comforting techniques.  This is certainly not a complete list but a comprehensive list that may trigger more personable practices that help you when feeling down.

  • Meditation

Find a comfortable position.  It can be sitting with your feet flat on the floor or lying down on your back.  Place your hands either comfortably across your lap or palms down on your thighs.  Relax your facial muscles; it doesn’t matter if your eyes are closed or open.  Do what feels right for you.

Now concentrate on the tip of your nose, feel the breath going in and out. Notice where the breath is going.  Is it focused in the chest or are you breathing deeply into your stomach? Notice how you are feeling in this relaxed state of mind and focusing on the breath, and placement in the body.  At every out-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to rid of; i.e. anxiety.  And then on the in-breath say out loud or silently a feeling that you want to bring in; i.e. peace or harmony.

Continue breathing, noticing where the breath falls, and saying the words that you want to bring inward and exhale outward.  Maintain this exercise for a minimum of ten breathes. When you come at 10, notice how you are feeling.

Carry on the breathing mediation starting at 1 again. Focus attention on the tip of the nose, the lungs, stomach, and inner feelings. Maintain for 5 minutes.  Release the attention on the breath, the concentration on the tip of the nose, and notice how you are feeling now.

Here is a list of more self-soothing techniques.  Please feel free to add your own healthy coping skills.

  • Enjoy an aromatherapy bath with calming essential oils such as lavender or rose oil.
  • Take a walk in nature or a safe, secluded path.
  • Schedule a massage.
  • Engage in gardening.
  • Call a friend.
  • Exercise; i.e. ride a bike, go for a jog, weight lift; something that is more in tune with your body and not your mind.

Practicing these techniques can bring a sense of well-being and a peaceful state of mind during times of anxiety and stress.  They can bring a sense of connectedness to your inner being, spending quality time with yourself as you reflect your thoughts and feelings, noticing, accepting, and in the accepting, letting it go, and finally, to transform it.  These techniques can not only bring more inner peace, but they can help build better relationships where we are free from fusion and enmeshment and living more holistically and in balance.